Eyebrows raised higher than Mount Doom’s billowing cloud of volcanic ash when J.R.R. Tolkien fans heard that the extended cut of Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies would be rated R by the MPAA. According to the report, the extended cut of the film contained “some violence” that warranted the a harsher rating. That made us wonder…was there another extended version of The Lord of the Rings out there that would receive an R rating too? Sure, sure, there have already been extended editions of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, but what about one with enough questionable content to make the MPAA rethink everything?

Well, we went deep into the cinematic Mines of Moria, battled back the fell Balrog, and unearthed a new cut of Lord of the Rings that is decidedly not suitable for impressionable youth. With salty language, an uncomfortable amount of nudity, and way more sexual tension, this is Lord of the Rings like you’ve never seen it before. To no one’s surprise, Gimli has a mouth like a sailor: a sailor who says some truly reprehensible things. (So basically, just a sailor.) Although given how dwarves fair in barrels on a river, there probably aren’t too many dwarven sailors in Middle-earth. But I digress.

What Lord of the Rings scene do you want to see an R-rated version of? What other movie deserves a special R-rated edition? Let us know in the comments below.

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Dan Casey is the senior editor of Nerdist and the author of books about Star Wars and the Avengers. You can follow him on Twitter (@Osteoferocious).