Turns out there’s no room for mutual respect and admiration when you are trying to win the most fantastical war in the history of Epic Rap Battles of History, a showdown of literary titans, swords, dragons, and even the same unusual middle initials: George R.R. Martin vs. J.R.R. Tolkien.

This one is close. Martin, with his frequent use of sex and brutal character deaths, attacked the childlike optimism of Tolkien’s work, where good and evil are clearly defined and the good guys always come out on top.

All your bad guys die
And your good guys survive
We can tell what’s gonna happen
By page and age five

But Tolkien, with his proclivity of actually making his readers happy, used one of the oldest strategies in the book and tried to turn his perceived weakness into a strength.

We all know the world is full
Of chance and anarchy
So yes it’s true to life
For characters to die randomly
But news flash!
The genre’s called “fantasy”

Then it just got way too personal. Instead of talking about plot structure, characterization, and world building, they just started taking shots at one another.

I ride and die with George R.R. Martin (no, seriously, I somehow feel like he will be responsible for my death too one day), but the best insult here was Tolkien calling him a pirate for taking so many of his ideas, including saying, “You even stole my “R.R.”

He’s not wrong.

So who ya got? Which author won this rap battle? Tell us your ultimate victor in the comments below.

Image: Epic Rap Battles