The annals of history are full of important innovations. Archimedes’ screw moved water from place to place, the printing press revolutionized sharing information, and harnessing electricity continues to further humanity’s quest to illuminate and understand the universe.

Well, it turns out that all that innovation was for naught. Humanity stood on the shoulders of giants and produced a thing that should never see the light of day–kegs full of a salad dressing that, let’s face it, hardly ever touches lettuce.

Thanks to an article on Huffington Post, we’re now woefully aware of the dangers of innovation and finally understand Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park. This mini keg of Hidden Valley Ranch sells for $50, holds five liters, and comes with “a year supply” of dressing. It’s a bit unclear on what that quantity is exactly but if a serving size is two tablespoons and you’re eating that daily, math tells us that’s about 10.7 liters and that you’ve also got a serious ranch addiction.

The keg is one of a few holiday items for sale that’s perfect for that lovable weirdo in everyone’s life who–for whatever reason–is way too into ranch dressing. The website also offers a number of clothing items and an 18 inch ranch fountain with a 2lb dressing capacity for $110 that screams “waste some money on something you’ll only use once but will smell forever!”
Should your next party need to involve overdosing on creamy dips, we’ve crunched the numbers for you. Five liters of Hidden Valley Ranch will result in about 10 frosty pints to drink or you can hand out 1oz shots for a really gross toast with 169 of your soon-to-be former friends. A serving size has 140 calories meaning your kegger would involve imbibing about 23,670 calories, 1691 mg of cholesterol, and 43,958 mg of sodium. That’s around the sodium content of eating six tablespoons of salt.

Despite the criticism, this writer may have already ordered a keg. How many will you be ordering? Let’s discuss how much we hate ourselves in the comments below!

Images: Flavourgallery.com | Hidden Valley Ranch