You can take your Jason Bourne and take a hike. Jack Ryan? What’re you even talking about? Triple-X? What decade is it? When it comes to cinematic/televisual super-spies, you’ve really only got two options. Maybe it’s just me, but for me, the top two fictional spies are James Bond and Sterling Archer. They both look good in a suit. They both shoot about a billion more bullets than their guns could possibly hold, and they both drink heavily before bedding anonymous attractive women. What more do spies need to do? Spy on things and gather intelligence? I mean, sure, if you’re gonna be literal.

Much like the muckraking between political candidates, we’d love to see a debate between Archer and Bond, but since that seems pretty unlikely, we’re just happy we have the following video. Archer himself (as voiced by the incomparable H. Jon Benjamin) reviews several of the James Bond movies and judges them entirely on the important stuff, like George Lazenby‘s ears and Sean Connery‘s underdeveloped arms.

While the entire piece on Entertainment Weekly offers a written review of each of the franchise’s 24 films, the video cherry picks a few for Archer to speak about, all while he’s in some bar somewhere, getting more and more hammered. He actually offers some pretty apt criticism, including On Her Majesty’s Secret Service having an “intense bobsled chase” as its climax (which I actually love) and the less-than-awesome Lotus Espirit in The Spy Who Loved Me. Naturally, most of what he likes has to do with the Bond Women (he was especially fond of Pussy Galore as you might guess) and dislikes winter sports and third nipples. Pretty fair assessments, I’d say. The best, though, is his ratings system for each movie. Very, very Archer.

You can read all of Sterling Archer’s Bond movie reviews on EW. Who do you think the best superspy in the world is? Let us know in the comments below!

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HT: Entertainment Weekly
Image: FX Networks

Kyle Anderson is the Weekend Editor and a film and TV critic for Nerdist.com. Follow him on Twitter!