I’m a big fan, or at least was when I was a kid, of action cartoons. I was a boy in the ’80s and ’90s, after all, and wanted to watch animated things that would make me want to buy toys, thus fulfilling the cynical marketing dream of manufacturers everywhere. My favorite of these shows was Batman: The Animated Series, which if you’ve read this site at all in the past year you’ll know to be the case. And it still holds up; one of the reasons it does is the theme song, because it has no words. None at all. See?
It doesnât attempt to come up with some kind of ridiculous song that, while catchy, is stupid and makes no sense. Either that, or a song that attempts to, in 45 seconds, tell you the entire premise and backstory for the show youâre about to watch. During my formative cartoon-watching years, the ’80s and ’90s, themes of this nature existed in absurdly-high numbers, especially in the action genre. Below are some of my favorites from these latter categories, because they still make me laugh.
(NOTE: This has nothing to do with the quality of the program; this is strictly about the effectiveness of the theme song.)
THUNDERCATS
Thundercats was a huge part of my very young childhood. Thereâs a very strange phenomenon in shows like this where apparently the only people who exist in the realm in which it takes place are the heroes and the villains. No normal people (cats) at all. At any rate, that theme song, while catchy, is very much a product of its time. It doesn’t have many lyrics, but the ones it does have are weird.
âThundercats are on the move/Thundercats are loose
Feel the magic, hear the roar/Thundercats are loose.â
So, theyâre loose; were they to be locked up at some point and we just never saw it? And has anyone ever said, âOh shit, you guys; the Thundercats are loose! We better high-tail it!â This is a song that doesnât need any lyrics, despite the double-length of the opening. Itâs cool animation and a decent tune, mucked up a bit by the need to have silly words.
SILVERHAWKS
Silverhawks was essentially the exact same cartoon as Thundercats, only in space and with bird features instead of cat features. I had all the toys for this too. I was an action figure junkie when I was a kid. Iâm clean now, though; I swear. There are more lyrics to this song, but theyâre still quite stupid.
âWings of silver, nerves of steel/Silverhawks
This bit is accurate.
Partly metal, partly real/Silverhawks
The point is that theyâre cyborgs with both robotic and human components, but âpartly metal, partly realâ implies that metal isn’t real; like itâs a figment of our imagination or perhaps something theoretical.
Soaring through the highways of the heavens in their flight
Silverhawks, a rainbow in the night.â
There are highways in the heavens? Are there traffic jams at rush hour? Also, just to be a pedantic grammar nerd, “In their flight” is totally unneeded except to rhyme with âa rainbow in the nightâ which doesnât mean anything either. Rainbows aren’t known for lighting up nights. In fact, rainbows are totally contingent on light hitting the sky on its own. They donât exist without light already being present.
TIGERSHARKS
The third and much less known of the series by the company that made the previous two, Tigersharks was a series in which a group of research scientists (or whatever) working underwater were able through science to turn into anthropomorphic sea creatures, each being very close to the name and look of the person anyway. It part of a block of Sunday morning cartoons under the banner title of The Comic Strip, so it only had a very short theme song of its own. But it also may be the stupidest of them all.
You’ve got a tiger by the tail, hold on Tigersharks.
Umm, do I? Other than tigers having tails and the word tiger being part of the completely nonsensical “Tigersharks,” which just sounds like a cool name for a team, what does this line at all have to do with things underwater?
Look for a spaceship with a sail, and hold on Tigersharks.
A spaceship with a sail… because it’s the future and the aliens all live in the water, huh? All right, fine. Also, if you watch the show, none of the spaceships actually have sails, because they’re all submersible. No wind underwater, people.
TRANSFORMERS
Another mainstay of my childhood (and, being honest, now, too). Everybody loves the Transformers theme song, but most people choose to just focus on the first bit:
âTransformers, more than meets the eye.â and “Transformers, robots in disguise.”
Thatâs pretty cool, granted. But for the next bit, they try to cram the showâs whole premise into a single line.
âAutobots wage their battle to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons.â
What is the time signature on that? I appreciate the desire to get it done quickly, but come on. Not that I could do any better trying to get the word âDecepticonsâ into a song, of course.
M.A.S.K.
I have no attachment to this cartoon at all, but it does illustrate the opposite of the Transformers problem of cramming info into too tight a space. This theme song goes on, and on, and on, and on.
âMasked Crusaders, Working Overtime/
Fighting Crime, Fighting Crime!
Who is paying them? What kind of terrible boss doesnât solve this apparent staffing issue?
Secret Raiders Who Will Neutralize,
As Soon As They Arrive, At The Site
The intransitive verb âto neutralizeâ implies that they will themselves commence neutralization. And if it doesnât mean that, and theyâre neutralizing bad guys; if theyâre neutralizing them âas soon as they arrive at the site,â then why are they putting in so much overtime? How many bad guys are there in this town? This town that apparently consists of nothing but barren desert, by the way.
Trakker’s Gonna Lead The Mission,
And Spectrum’s Got Such Super Vision!
I get it cuz his vision is super and he also supervises. Ha.
M-M-M-M.A.S.K.!!
Is The Mighty Power That Can Save The Day!
Thatâs debatable.
M-M-M-M.A.S.K.!!
No One Knows What Lies Behind The Masquerades!
That makes them sound a little too festive for my liking. I donât want harlequins doing any sort of crime fighting on my behalf. Also, âmasqueradeâ does not mean âmask.â
M-M-M-M.A.S.K.!!
Always Riding Hot On V.E.N.O.M.’s Trail!
Okay, liars; if theyâre always on V.E.N.O.M.âs trail, then they donât neutralize the second they arrive at the site. It canât be both! Either youâre perfect and bad guys immediately lose, or youâre always working overtime!
Come See The Laser Rays!
Fire Away!â
NO! I will not see any âlaser rays,â thank you very much. Youâre supposed to be saving us from bad guys; donât invite us to see it like itâs some kind of carnival attraction. Also, the agreed-upon term is âlaser BEAMS.â The only people who say âlaser raysâ are parents trying to connect with their kids and failing miserably.
HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE
Hereâs an example of there being almost no theme song at all. Itâs literally just He-Man explaining to camera about what goes on during the show. I particularly enjoy that he has to explain how his giant green, yet weak and terrified, tiger becomes a slightly larger, meaner tiger. Is it really worth having a secret identity if you look exactly the same in both forms, sans shirt? The only people who know his secret are the exact people who live in the castle also. Thatâs handy.
The best bit, though, is that at the beginning and end, for no reason at all, thereâs the singing of the name âHe-Man.â Did somebody just make a bunch of money off of that? Itâs like one of the head mucky-mucks at Filmation mandated that there canât just be talking at the beginning; there needs to be singing as well. I guess he got his wish. It’s the “By Mennen” of the cartoon theme song world.
So, I guess the point I’m trying to make with all this is that cartoons don’t need complicated theme songs. I don’t ever remember needing to know the origins of all of these cartoons every time I sat down to watch it. These are merely some of my favorites. What are yours? Tell me below! The goofier the theme song the better.