As most people bustled themselves to their New Year’s Eve parties on Thursday night, or settled in for a movie marathon, board game night, or other merrimental activity to commemorate the start of a fresh calendar (perfectly acceptable to just go to bed at 11:00pm like I did on my grumpiest year a few years ago), the host of CBS’ The Late Show tried to get to a party he was throwing in New York City… and couldn’t quite get there. At least that’s what the litany of Tweets by Stephen Colbert told us.
The party he describes, entitled Stephen Colbert’s Boppin’ New Year’s Eve, is apparently the alternate-universe go-to televised countdown show, upending ABC’s Ryan Seacrest-hosted Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. He announced he’d be live-tweeting the fictional event beginning at 8:00pm Eastern Time, and that there’d be show-stopping numbers by Sir Paul McCartney and Pharrell Williams. But his tweets soon devolved into a series about how horrible the traffic is in New York City and how it looked like he wasn’t going to make it. Mr. Colbert apparently didn’t plan ahead for his not-at-all-real telecast.
You can read the entire hilarious saga below!
Welcome to Stephen Colbert’s Boppin’ New Year’s Eve! I’ll be live-tweeting my fabulous NYE party just as soon as I get there. #ColbertNYE
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) January 1, 2016
Tonight’s party will feature celebrity drop-ins aplenty, including special performances by Pharrell Williams and Paul McCartney! #ColbertNYE
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) January 1, 2016
It’s going to be a bash for the ages! Just need to drive over. Shouldn’t take more than ten minutes, tops. Woo! #ColbertNYE
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) January 1, 2016
Let’s see… I’ll just take the parkway and hopefully— Gah! Look at all of this traffic! Are you kidding me? #ColbertNYE
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) January 1, 2016
Okay, okay, it’s not so bad. I’ll just be a little late. Might miss a little bit of the magic show, but no biggie. It’s fine. #ColbertNYE
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) January 1, 2016
Man, traffic is seriously backed up. Hey folks, sorry, but this live-tweet will pick up steam once I get to the party, promise. #ColbertNYE
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) January 1, 2016
We are really not moving at all here. And Pharrell should be going on right about now. Shit! #ColbertNYE
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) January 1, 2016
Ok, if this breaks up in the next 15 minutes, I’ll still make Paul McCartney, & I’ll still be in time to see the ball to drop. #ColbertNYE
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) January 1, 2016
Come on… This is such bullshit. #ColbertNYE
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) January 1, 2016
Damn it! Move out of the way! I’m supposed to be singing a duet with Paul McCartney right now! #ColbertNYE
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) January 1, 2016
Now everybody’s honking. This is just great. #ColbertNYE
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) January 1, 2016
Well, it’s twelve o’clock. Happy New Year, everyone. Yeah, excellent start to the year. Fantastic. #ColbertNYE
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) January 1, 2016
Whatever. I’m just taking the next exit and gunning the side streets home. What a terrible night. Hope yours was better. #ColbertNYE
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) January 1, 2016
Thank you for joining me for Stephen Colbert’s Boppin’ New Year’s Eve. #ColbertNYE
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) January 1, 2016
My favorite part of this is how he’s so optimistic at the beginning, “Shouldn’t take me more than 10 minutes. Tops!” And then it eventually becomes “What a terrible night.” Colbert has always been one of the best meta-comedians out there and this is exactly the kind of self-effacing performance art we’ve come to know and love from the TV personality.
How did you fictionally spend your New Year’s Eve? Tell us a fake story in the comments below!
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HT: Entertainment Weekly
Image: CBS/Worldwide Pants
Kyle Anderson is the Weekend Editor and a film and TV critic for Nerdist.com. Follow him on Twitter!
