Save the princess, yes. But at what cost? At what cost? Because while rescuing her is a noble endeavor–the kind only an Italian plumber can undertake–it is a quest filled with carnage and death, especially for the innocent animals of the Mushroom Kingdom.
This is the latest from one of our favorite fellow geeky denizens of the web, Dorkly, and it imagines what it would be like if Mario games got their own, British-narrated nature documentaries. Unfortunately for this wildlife, instead of serene meditations on the quiet lives of koopas, or even an examination of the mating habits of goombas, we see the most feared predator in the land, one who has adapted to change his skin to match up against any perceived foe, all so he can track them down and needlessly murder them. What makes it all the more despicable is how he could just as easily avoid them.
For who are we to pass judgement on a chain chomp, a sad creature confined to his small space in the desert? Besides, with such a limited range of motion, couldn’t Mario just leap over him and leave the poor thing alone, kind of like a piranha plant, who is just chilling out in his tube? Leave them be, you monster.
Forget global warming; when someone has learned how to shoot fireballs under water, for the sole purpose of murdering cheep cheeps as sport, well then we are truly in trouble. Because when a man cares so little for his animal foes, it’s only a matter of time before he runs out of enemies and starts coming for his animal friends.
Be careful, Yoshi.
What’s the worst thing Mario does? Tell us your answer in the comments below.
Image: Nintendo/Dorkly
