Spend any time on Twitter and you’ll end up in some very dark places, facing an existential quandary about your place in the universe, asking if life can offer anything but pain. That’s so typical by now that it’s mentioned in Twitter’s user agreement (you should really read those things). What isn’t typical is for all of that to take way because someone asked a question about the skeletal structure of the Hamburger Helper hand.
Warning: beyond this point lies an infinite hole of suffering.
It all started when Twitter user @soongrowtired posted an absurd question, complete with photos, about the biological makeup of that smiling, happy white glove who has accompanied so many of us during an easy, delectable, affordable family dinner.
https://twitter.com/soongrowtired/status/919246458494255106
That’s bleak. We did not need to think about this, but now that’s all we’ll ever wonder about when we see that red-nosed sentient mitten. As for the options, the skull-and-four-femurs at least that seems to make some sense. The full skeleton makes us think some small humanoid—or worse, a full-sized human who was shrunk down by a Betty Crocker sorcerer—has been imprisoned inside the glove, experiencing a walking, talking hell made of cheesy ground beef.
Believe it or not, it only got more nightmarish from there. Get ready for the kind of true darkness only Twitter and anthropomorphic gloves can offer.
— Joel Carroll (@joelcarroll) October 15, 2017
https://twitter.com/Sindershift/status/919636604758757379
I gotchu pic.twitter.com/3ztwhN1ZMJ
— Chris MacDonald (@cmacsbrain) October 15, 2017
It's obvious there's an Olympic high diver in there, doing some sorta reverse cowgirl triple-lutz backflip. #b3d pic.twitter.com/v9IMemxwJW
— Sketch2 (@doyousketch2) October 15, 2017
https://twitter.com/scitters/status/919412377820520450
https://twitter.com/Artildawn/status/919781915422441472
https://twitter.com/whiteIais/status/919662672450412545
Terrifying, but far from the end of this pit of despair. Because we knew not how horrible existence truly is until we saw this:
well that's enough internet for today pic.twitter.com/ft1V7lm6wE
— Cates Holderness (@catesish) October 16, 2017
Oh no. That…that looks right. That looks right!
And that must be why the actual Hamburger Helper Twitter account tried to lend a helping hand by saying this is the glove’s “real” skeleton.
If I must pic.twitter.com/avKPZm80CX
— Hamburger Helper (@helper) October 16, 2017
Too late. We know the truth. A smiling skeleton waving at us can’t change that.
We’ve now seen how dark the world is, and that its only light—the red nose of a conscious slave imprisoned in a glove—makes it only darker. On second thought, this was actually a pretty normal experience on Twitter.
We’re not in a good place right now, as you can tell, so please talk to us in the comments below. You can share your thoughts on which skeleton you think is correct, if life has meaning, or if we’re all destined to be consumed by fear.
Featured Image: Betty Crocker
