As anyone who shops for limited-edition toys at Comic-Con can tell you, exclusives are often elusive. Long lines, lotteries, and prayers to the gods of chase variants are not uncommon, but if you put your mind to it, you can usually come away with something, and hold that rare figure in your hot little hands.

This year, however, there’s one exclusive so rare that even when you have him in your hands, you might not. He is…Exclusive Man!

What, you don’t see him? Maybe the press release, via Toy News International, can explain:

In the spirit of exclusives made specifically for San Diego’s Comic Con, Applehead Factory Design Studio has created the ultimate of all exclusives… Stealth Commando Ninja Master Exclusive Man! The earth-shattering debut of the greatest action figure to ever grace toy shelves or the known universe will be at this year’s Comic Con!

Right, that sounds great. Now where is he?

Made from the remnants of crappy 80s cartoons and the tears of lonely fan boys, Stealth Commando Ninja Master Exclusive Man has it all! Super blast battle fists, Vesuvian death toe-grip, a disintegration ring, and an Andromeda codpiece allow him to handle whatever comes up day or night! With over 3,141,996 points of articulation no action figure in this or any parallel reality compares. S.C.N.M.E.M. is packaged with exquisite full-color cardboard backing that tells his mind-blowing back-story and sports the official San Diego Comic Con exclusive seal! He’s packaged in a blister bubble to preserve his worth, which is filled with real, Comic Con, collectable, exclusive air!

Holy crap! Exclusive air! And three million points of articulation! How can anyone resist?

At only $6.00 Stealth Commando Ninja Master Exclusive Man is a steal as a keepsake of your visit to San Diego Comic Con or as a gift for the serious action figure collector in your life! They’ll be selling faster than one of his patented brain-liquefying kicks to the head, so get yours before he vanishes from Booth #4923… oops, too late!”

That sounds amaz…Oh. I get it. It’s pretty funny, actually–there are a lot of little in-jokes on the blister card, and for six bucks, it’s an amusing add to any display. Applehead Factory is a company generally known for its frightening “Teddy Scares,” but this could mean they’re thinking about action figures moving forward. Or just mocking them.

Would you buy Stealth Commando Ninja Master Exclusive Man? Tell us in comments and maybe he’ll even join in…oops, too late, he already left.