One of my fondest memories growing up was stumbling upon a treasure trove of Choose Your Own Adventure Books. These twisting, turning stories would place the burden of choice on you, the reader, forcing you to decide exactly what happens to your precocious protagonist. If I recall correctly, this would usually result in the main character careening off a cliff on a BMX bike or being unceremoniously murdered by a yeti. Now that we’ve grown up, our lives are decidedly more mundane, but that doesn’t mean we have to relinquish the magic of choosing our own adventures. Enter the world of Choose Your Own Misery: The Office Adventure, a book that puts you in the shoes of a normal, workaday office drone who has to deal with the staggering bleakness and mundanity of the office — except this time, you’re in control. You’ll have to deal with annoying co-workers, cluttered inboxes, and many more things that hit far too close to home. Written by Mike MacDonald and Jilly Gagnon and published by Diversion Books, Choose Your Own Misery: The Office Adventure is a bittersweet, brutal, and frequently hilarious twist on the childhood classics.

We have an exclusive excerpt from the book for your reading pleasure. But choose wisely, because you never know what consequences your actions will incur.

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BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

The shriek of your alarm clock bores straight through the front of your skull into the softest, most sensitive part of your brain.

How in god’s name did you get here? What has happened to you?

Doing your best not to move the throbbing wreck of your head, you examine your surroundings.

You try to open your eyes, but are immediately stabbed by icepicks of light, and close them again, groaning.

You’re going to have to Helen Keller your way around your bed.

You seem to be alone. But that means there’s no one to blame for the piss spot pooling around your crotch. Fuck.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

Portions of last night are coming back in flashes. All of them are of you, alone, plus vodka, with reruns of Perfect Strangers playing on the television.

You start searching for the alarm, eyes still closed, knocking over a glass of something liquid in the process.

It has to be around here somewhere.

You squeeze your eyes shut as sweat beads roll down your forehead. You can taste vodka on your breath.

Stop thinking about vodka. Think of anything else in this world but vodka.

You immediately think of every single vodka drink you had last night.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

You actually want to die. Getting up for work is not an option at the moment.

To call in sick, click here.

To hit the snooze button, click here.

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What did you choose? Do you regret your choices? What other situations deserve the Choose Your Own Misery treatment? Let us know in the comments below!

Choose Your Own Misery is available now.

Image: Diversion Books