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Bedroom Blunder #54: Velociraptor Snatch Attack

There is something wholly intimidating about some guy’s face up against my girl parts. This should not be the case, but it is. This becomes the case when one is subjected to one of the deadliest mood killers known to the human race: The Velociraptor Snatch Attack.

VSA, as the acronym goes, is the repeated act of orally or manually pleasuring a partner (usually female) in such a way that causes the receiver’s pelvis to scoot away in retreat, seeking asylum from the over-zealous onslaught.

If done properly, VSA should feel like one’s naughty bits are being hunted by a highly-intelligent voracious fictional dinosaur. This can be rather distressing.

For instance, during an enthusiastic bout of licks, a female may start scrunching her body away from her giver, tilting her pelvis so that her goods are farther away than is reachable.

Her lover then proceeds to either:

A) Army crawl toward her and bury their face deeper into the target, licking with renewed fervor.


B) Gently massage her outer labia and ask, “want me to go lighter?”

Which one exemplifies VSA? Did I hear Lover A? You are correct.

Now, who gets a second date? You guessed it: Lover B!


So, this “scooch” is the natural counterbalance to the Velociraptor Snatch Attack. It is the act of fleeing away from the perceived threat of discomfort.

At first, The Scooch is accompanied by words, such as: “owe!” “please be gentle” and “honey, seriously, I don’t like that.” If the same behavior resurfaces time and time again, the receiver often retreats entirely.

Thus, communication during the activity turns to avoidance OF the activity itself.


The most fascinating part of VSA is its ability to resurface. Sure, on the first offense a partner will heed those requests. But one week later, there it comes, leaping out of the shrubbery to attack.

So what have I learned from years of VSA? Speak up. Don’t give up. And if all else fails, curl up into a little ball and cry. That usually hits the point home.

Sigh. It’s fun to be hunted, but not to be mauled.


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*Special thanks to my friend John, for without his Jurassic Park reference, this post could not be possible.

Image: Universal

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  1. Kevin Eisele says:

    No I don’t think the Jurassic Park “Velociraptors ” were based on Utah Raptor. UR was about 3-4 times the size of the raptors in the movie. They weren’t really Velociraptor either as those were about 1/3 the size of the ones shown. They were most likely based on Dinonicus as it is about the right size. The Movie’s (and Book’s) creators probably went with Velociraptor because it is the most famous Dromaeosaur species.

  2. Thanks, David. I wouldn’t mind the feathers. I’m more worried about the teeth.

  3. David Picklebock says:

    Velociraptors aren’t fictional. But they were tiny tiny tiny and only dangerous in large packs. I suppose that would make the VSA a lot scarier, being attacked in the park and being SA’d by a bunch of V’s. The feathers would make it kinda… neat?

    The “Velociraptors” in Jurassic Park were actually based on the “Utahraptor,” an apparently Mormon ginormoraptor in the early Cretaceous period. Also, probably feathered.

  4. Scrufy says:

    @ Jason Edwards


  5. Travocity says:

    The velociraptor was the size of a fucking goose, the picture is that of a Dinonicus… crap i bore myself.

  6. Jason Edwards says:

    Hmmm, for the record I don’t suffer from VSA… BUT I have been attacked by “Snatchus-smotherus” before which can be just as bad to a guy.

  7. Nathaniel Wedgington Hornswaggle III says:

    That’s a first date?

  8. Deltus says:

    So, no chomping either?

  9. Tim says:

    I think Sandra has quickly become my favorite Chris Hardwick alter-ego. (I believe Chris just posts with different wigs on, which makes that bi-weekly master class all the more interesting).

  10. @deb – Thanks!
    @kev – Clinically speaking, anyone can experience sudden onset VSA. The best defense is a good offense. Speak up!
    @BHunt & @donkey tits mahoney – You’re both keepers.
    @DefconDan – Get out of my mind!
    @Tim – It’s so true! All I’m saying here is that VSA equates to a gal knawing on your cock head like a chicken wing. It just doesn’t feel good no matter how between birthdays.
    But don’t worry, Tim. I teach BJ classes on a bi-weekly basis. I’m spreading the T-Rex word, my friend. (and women are listening)

  11. Jesse P-S says:

    Uhhh… velociraptors had feathers. This post is inaccurate.

  12. Tim says:

    It’s a sad commentary that a woman receiving oral sex can be so picky while a man receiving oral is either celebrating a birthday or recent lottery win.
    Women behaving like dinosaurs would be an evolutionary step in the right direction, though with such small arms they still probably wouldn’t use their hands. Baby steps.

  13. DefconDan says:

    Seems to me that the way to resolve VSA would be be to pursue but then rest one’s tongue flat on the area, like a little wet hug of comfort… there there little clit, its ok, it will be alright. Perhaps she relaxes perhaps she just decides to use the opportunity to take a little control back, but seems like a quick way to temp defuse the lust bomb so that it can be set off without distress..

    omfg the most mature I’ve been on a blog… is this called growing up???

  14. donkey tits mahoney says:

    so you’re telling me i shouldn’t try to bite my way through to your butthole? i’ve been going about this all wrong. if i’d read the scooch properly, i wouldn’t have been sent to jail six times.

  15. BHunt says:

    But, but… I CAN OPEN DOORS!

  16. kev says:

    how does one identify the symptoms of VSA before it happens…sounds very clinical doesn’t it

  17. deb says:

    To say this is an eye-catching submission (so to speak) is an understatement!!!