Where is my goddamn stillsuit, huh? Where?
And no, this post will not be talking about those damn Marty McDoodleface hoverboards. Or whatever. I mean, give me a little credit, please. We’re not all good hair and lip gloss at Nerdist, you know. Sometimes, we have serious thoughts about technology and things. Anyway, look at these science fiction-y type inventions of the future that were never, ever realized! Look at them and condemn the Heinleins, Bradburys and Asimovs of our world. Condemn them to a life without your precious hoverboards. Condemn them to hell, I say!
I’ve had a LOT of of Diet Coke today. Sorry.
1. Monolith/Europa
I will let you alien people have it, I promise. It’s yours but I’d just like to know if it exists and if it’s full of stars or chocolate or what. I have questions.
2. Wormhole Travel
It’s like time travel but space-ier! And since wormholes are almost always unstable they’re constantly keeping us humans on our toes which, judging by the amount of people on Celexa and Ritalin is a pretty decent idea.
3. Rolling Roads
Damn you Heinlein and your alliterative future transportation solutions! I’m actually pretty glad I don’t have to hoard gold, learn gymnastics, and walk around naked all the time but I really wanted roads that carry cars around instead of vice versa. It seems like it would be better for the earth or whatever. And that’s like… important and stuff.
4. Jedi Bones
If the Star Wars saga happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away then why haven’t we seen any jedi debris on those giant hubblescope things? I would think at least one ewok femur fossil would have made its way onto an asteroid, right? I mean back me up here science!
5. Mars Canal Tours
Look into the water! What do you see? YOU SEE A MARTIAN.*
6. Robot Holocaust
Unless you count my microwave taking nine minutes to heat up an Amy’s enchilada, then this sci-fi myth is a big robot-y bust.
7. The Weirding Way
The only killing word I know is “Goldschlager” and I don’t think five shots and some questionable karaoke choices are what Frank Herbert meant.
8. The Sentient Internet (Skynet)
See #6 but replace “microwave” and “heat up” with “Twitter” and “load.”
9. A Cat Who Walks Through Walls
Mine just falls off the couch a lot and that is NOT THE SAME SCIENCE.  NOT AT ALL.
10. The Holodeck
The Kinect is close but I still have to interact with my TV and my TV is kind of an asshole – it refuses to be Moriarty to my Sherlock. Harrumph.
*You got that reference? Congratulations, NERD.
Image: Universal
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Argh, I can’t believe you referenced the “killing word” abomination from the Dune movie. Not book, not canon. Nerd-rage!
Argh, I can’t believe you references the “killing word” abomination from the Dune movie. Not book, not canon. Nerd-rage!
Skynet (satellites)
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Launch of the first Skynet satellite, Skynet 1A, by Delta rocket in 1969 from Cape Canaveral
Skynet is a family of military satellites, now operated by Paradigm Secure Communications on behalf of the UK Ministry of Defence, which provide strategic communication services to the three branches of the British Armed Forces and to NATO forces engaged on coalition tasks.
It’s just not self-aware yet.
ROBOCOP
The Holodeck is supposed to work by use of force fields under foot that react to the direction and speed that you are moving to keep you mostly stationary. Think of it as a giant, multi-directional treadmill. Of course it has to do this not for the whole floor but underneath each person so that people can “move away” from each other at distances larger then the width of the room.
The only about the still suit that bothered me was all waste (poop and pee) was removed, but still that water couldn’t be completely pure, right?
And if skynet is really Twitter, then any war started will be over Lindsey Lohan and that will be really a Lame fight.
This post was awesome! The only killing word I know is Tequila…. and it has a chance of killing for days.
11. 24 x 7 Kiala News Network on basic cable.
I still don’t understand the holodeck thing on Star Trek. Where were they going when they were walking around the holodeck’s virtual world. Since the holodeck room wasn’t infinite, they had to hit a wall at one point unless the floor somehow moved as they walked around. I’m probably missing something…
@roman Yes but that is because Bradbury is the GATEWAY drug to nerd-dome.
Wait wait wait, I know lots of people who would get that reference and aren’t nerds by any measure. I would have understood it before being a nerd myself.