Last week, I, Dr. Apocalypse, promised to answer your queries eschatologicial, catastrophical, or — God forbid it should come to this – Seussical. Today I begin following through on that promise.

Joanna Nuval asks:

Will the Rapture pick me up, or will I have to meet it half-way?

ANSWER: Stay put. For some reason, the Rapture will only pick up skyborn people if they’ve lofted themselves up via a bunch of party balloons tied to a deckchair.  So, nice try, but burn in Hell, grumpy old man and Boy Scout from “Up!”

Laura Pena asks:

Do you recommend having a plan for a family for when the world falls apart?

ANSWER:  Absolutely. Small children are to be protected from any physical risk – unless their fighting prowess will bring you home the loot from “Toddlerdome.” Parents should band together and subdivide themselves by skill group into “hunter-gatherers,” “problem-solvers,” and “liberal arts majors.” Grandparents are critical, as most of them are used to navigating a technology-free world as it is.

In-laws are appropriate and pleasing sacrificial bait for your local Warlord.

Niko from Finland asks:

What is the etiquette on raiding? How soon is too soon to invade your neighbor’s home or apartment and steal their canned goods?

ANSWER:  It’s definitely not too soon now, because a Scandinavian actually asking about the propriety of raiding and pillaging is one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

Got a question for Dr. Apocalypse? E-mail ApocDoc@gmail.com or post it here.

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Dr. Apocalypse, aka Rob Kutner, is a writer for CONAN and the author of APOCALYPSE HOW: TURN THE END-TIMES INTO THE BEST OF TIMES and the new e-book, THE FUTURE ACCORDING TO ME.

Follow Rob on Twitter: @ApocalypseHow.