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You Shot My Balls Off: A Mafia II Demo Review

I’m gonna go get the papers, get the papers.

Guess what I did this past weekend? Guess! I ate fridge sandwiches, drank cold beer, and moved one step closer to becoming a made man! I know! I think I’m awesome too! I also watched the Bioshock Infinite trailer over and over again (it’s Bioshock across the sky! All the way across the sky!) but that is not what this post is about, is it Kiala? Jeebus Eff Joss, you’re always rambling on about something or other, aren’t you? Why can’t you stick with one topic and oooh what is that shiny thing over there? Why, it appears to be the Mafia II Demo and it is really pretty fun! And with that, I’ve brought us back round to the subject at hand. Who needs a nap?

It’s been three years since the announcement of a sequel to Mafia:The City of Lost Heaven and eight years since the debut of the original game. EIGHT YEARS. Did we even have video games eight years ago? How did we play them on our flicker o’ matics? How many candles did it take to create a cut scene? Were the ladies allowed to play them in the same room as the gentlemen? DID THEIR PERIODS AFFECT A MAN’S ABILITY TO LEVEL UP? Anyway, eight years seems to have done the game a world of good. I didn’t really enjoy the first Mafia but you guys already know how I feel about sandbox games with little to no storyline and too much riding/driving around a (no matter how awesome) landscape.

Let’s keep in mind I’m only reviewing the demo here so I have very little actual gameplay to go on. The plot is summed up nicely on Wikipedia but the short version is you play as Vito, a young WWII vet who enlisted only to get out of jail and is now back in Empire City ready to work for the Family. The demo starts you out in Vito’s house with a phone call from uh…poop. Joey I think? I dunno. It was either Joe or Henry Tomasino who, along with Vito, comprise the gang you’ll be organized crime-ing it up with. Next thing you know, Vito is driving an old timey cadillac through the streets of Empire Bay, looking for a warehouse filled with gangsters. There’s a plot point here about the Fat Man who I think was a character in the first game but again EIGHT YEARS IT HAS BEEN. Crap. I’ve turned into Yoda. Anyway, there is a lot of really fun pew pew pew but you get to crazy taxi your way around the city, too, if that’s what you’re jonesing for in this follow up.

Let’s cut to the chase (PUN INTENDED) and sort the goodfellas from the rat packs with a totally arbitrary ratings system I just made up, shall we?

Good: The post WWII/early 1950’s world is totally immersive with great dialogue (“you shot my balls off” is a direct quote) and my good goodness is Vito ever handsome. I mean like ACTUALLY handsome. Like…I want to do it with my own computer designed character. Thank you technology! Vito is going into my rub hub. 10 out of 10 Sinatras

Bad: The controls are a wee bit wonky. While I love the new stealth features and the automatic aim and shoot, I kept getting stuck in FPS POV for some reason and this is a third person game. I was like…floating in space for a few seconds while guys with names like Freddy Two Shoes shot the hell out of me. Annoying. 6 out of 10 Mia Farrows

Good: The guns. They are so full of ammo. SO FULL OF AMMO. I hate looking for ammo. 9 out of 10 Buddy Hollys

Bad: Mmmmm…not much else. Fuck. I really liked this game. 10 out 10 Scorceses

Image: 2K

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  1. Great review, very funny! Mafia II looks definitely worth the rental. However, Bioshock Infinite is a pre-order! I saw the trailer and I couldn’t believe my eyes. The sky, Columbia is in the heavens! I loved the way the make it seem that you’re still in Rapture until you get flung through the window. Can’t wait!

  2. Justin says:

    Love this demo review… so funny!!

    I’m not usually a big sandbox fan but I might have to give this one a chance.

  3. dragoncores says:

    Going off the title here. YAY for making people gelded bitches.

    Sounds like a fun game. first achievement gelding a man yay.

  4. Kiala Kazebee says:

    I played on the XBox 360.

    I think we’ve got until at least December 31st 2011 before we get to play Bioshock Infinite. Sniff.

    All the way across the skyyyyyyyyy.

  5. Dale Power says:

    That was a fun review!

    I hope you will keep at it and keep us all informed!


  6. Robyn says:

    Comment comment comment. Wonderfully ADD but covers what it needs to cover.


    What platform did you play on?

    And yes I believe that Periods affect menfolks’ ability to level up because it increased the lady’s Badassity.

    Bioshock Infinite? WHEN??