For a wrestling fan, Wrestlemania weekend is their version of Comic-Con (yes, we know there are wrestlers at Comic-Con too. Don’t ruin this analogy). While it is WWE’s premier event, organizations from around the world converge at its location (this year is in New Orleans) to showcase exactly what the art of professional wrestling is all about. Some of you might even be invited to a Wrestlemania viewing party, which a lot of the times include pools as to who will win each match. If you’ve never watched wrestling before but get invited to a party, let us help you out and amaze your friends by using our predictions to win some cold hard cash (or whatever prizes are available, like a Target gift card).

Wrestlemania Women’s Battle Royal (Winner: Becky Lynch)

The WWE Women’s Division has gone through a renaissance the last few years. What was once seen as a novelty act has become not only a main part of the show, but the main reason fans tune in. In another year of Women’s Division firsts, they will have a Wrestlemania Battle Royal. For this match, we choose the Irish Lass Kicker, Becky Lynch. It’s time that a superstar from Smackdown got some love, as it feels like RAW has been dominating everything as of late.

Noobs: Tell them you choose the “Steampunk Superhero” as your winner.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal (Winner: Dolph Ziggler)

On the men’s side, they have the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. If you are not in a match on the main card, the Battle Royal still gives you a chance to participate in Wrestlemania. Even though everyone has an even shot this year, we feel that Dolph Ziggler will pull out the win here.

Noobs: Go with “The guy that looks like he’s in Van Halen.”

WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Cedric Alexander vs. Mustafa Ali (Winner: Cedric Alexander)

This match is the finals of the WWE Cruiserweight tournament that has been going on since January. Both Cedric and Mustafa are great in the ring, but we have to give the edge to Cedric Alexander. Don’t be surprised if this is just the first in a series of matches trading this title back and forth. This has the makings of a great long-term feud.

Noobs: You can’t really say “The guy that does all the flips.” It will NOT narrow it down. For this one, just say you think Cedric will win.

RAW Women’s Championship: Alexa Bliss vs. Nia Jax (Winner: Nia Jax)

This is a great example of the WWE’s long-term storytelling. For years Nia and Alexa were friends until it was revealed that Alexa was merely using Nia to get ahead in her career. It’s a simple “betrayal turns to revenge” storyline, but sometimes the most simple of premises can return the best results. We’re going with Nia for this one, as it is time for Alexa to get her comeuppance.

Noobs: Tell everyone you “Don’t want Harley Quinn to win,” or use another way that doesn’t rhyme.

RAW Tag-Team Championship: The Bar vs. Braun Strowman and ??? (Winners: Braun and ???)

After winning a tag-team battle royal by himself, Braun Strowman now has the opportunity to win the tag-team titles against Sheamus and Cesaro, a.k.a. The Bar. He gets to pick his tag-team partner, which we think will be the drifter himself, Elias. We’re not sure about the set-up for this one, as it somewhat puts a negative light on the tag-team titles. All championships should be taken seriously, and while sometimes gimmick matches are okay there has to be a line (or bar, in this case). Regardless, Braun and his partner will become the new tag champs.

Noobs: The Hulk is going to win. For bonus points, when Sheamus comes out (the guy with the mohawk) ask, “Hey, is that Bebop?”

United States Championship: Randy Orton vs. Bobby Roode vs. Jinder Mahal vs. Rusev (Winner: Rusev)

Four of the biggest (literally) stars on Smackdown will be vying for the United States Championship. Yes, we understand that only one of the men in the match is actually FROM the United States, but trust us, if you Google “United States Championship” you’ll see that it’s definitely NOT a prerequisite. We are going to go with the namesake for “Rusev Day” here. Over the last few months, his character has gone through what’s known as “The Rock” syndrome. He is supposed to be a heel (bad guy), but because he’s just so darn entertaining, there’s no choice but to cheer for him. A win here could push him over to the side of good.

Noobs: Ask your friends “What’s Rusev Day?” 30 minutes later when they are done trying to explain it, say “Okay, I’ll choose him.”

Intercontinental Championship: The Miz vs. Finn Balor vs. Seth Rollins (Winner: The Miz)

For the Intercontinental Title (which literally means “between continents, so what’s the difference between this and a world title?), this will be the upset win of the evening. The Miz has not only become one of the strongest characters in the WWE as of late, but his run with the championship has made it arguably the most important title in the promotion. With the build-up to this match between the three characters, Miz retaining the title would make its importance that much stronger.

Noobs: You want “The Real World dude” to win, although “the guy that looks like Venom/Carnage seems cool, too.”

Smackdown Tag Team Championship: Bludgeon Brothers vs. The Usos vs. The New Day (Winners: The New Day)

In all of professional wrestling, no tag team division is better than Smackdown’s. The New Day and the Usos have been putting on wrestling clinics against each other for the last two years. If you add in the Bludgeon Brothers, you have the makings of the dark horse match of the night. While all three teams have an equal shot, the New Day is going to take this one, with Xavier Woods getting the pin (in my personal opinion, Xavier is the most underrated wrestler in the WWE).

Noobs: “I’ll take the cartoon characters. They look sweet.” As of this writing, we are not sure what video game or TV show the New Day will be basing their outfits on, but rest assured it will be awesome.

Smackdown Women’s Championship: Charlotte Flair vs. Asuka (Winner: Asuka)

Out of all the title matches going on during Wrestlemania, this is probably the most anticipated. The Empress Asuka puts her 2 1/2 year undefeated streak on the line as she goes up against the standard bearer of the entire WWE’s women’s division, Charlotte Flair. This one was tough because either victory would make sense. Either Asuka maintains her streak, or Charlotte cements her place at the top of the food chain. By a nose, we’re going with Asuka to carry the torch for a while.

Noobs: “That masked lady looks INSANE. I choose her.”

Daniel Bryan & Shane McMahon vs. Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn (Winners: Owens and Zayn)

If Kevin and Sami win, they get their jobs back after having been recently fired from Smackdown for attacking both Shane and Daniel. It only makes sense that they would win. What makes this match intriguing is whether or not either Shane or Daniel betrays the other. If we had to choose, we’ll go with Shane. A McMahon being a good guy for this long HAS to have a breaking point. This match is also important because it will be Daniel Bryan’s first match back in two years after getting medically cleared to wrestle. Expect the YES! chants to echo throughout all of NOLA.

Noobs: “Those two look like complete jerks. I see them somehow winning.” “Which two? They all look kind of snarky.” “The one with the silly hat.”

Kurt Angle and Ronda Rousey vs. Triple H and Stephanie McMahon (Winners: Kurt and Ronda)

If you are going to bring in someone as big as Ronda Rousey to the WWE and have her debut on the “grandest stage of them all,” you have to have her establish how good she really is in her first match. After some hardcore cheating from Stephanie and HHH, Kurt and Ronda will get the victory in what should be an entertaining match.

Noobs: “Ah. HER I know. I’ll go with Ronda.”

John Cena vs. The Undertaker (?) (Winner: The Undertaker) (?)

Why all the question marks? Because we still don’t know who if this match is going to happen. We probably WON’T know until Cena is standing in the ring to see if the Undertaker shows. SHOULD he, we’re giving him the victory. After losing to Roman last year and “retiring,” to come back just to lose again doesn’t make sense or give the Undertaker justice.

Noobs: “Oooh! I saw Blockers this weekend! I choose Cena.” “No, you don’t. Choose the Undertaker.” “But..” “CHOOSE THE UNDERTAKER.” “Okay! Geez…”

WWE Championship: AJ Styles vs. Shinsuke Nakamura (Winner: Shinsuke Nakamura)

These two gentlemen wrestled in Japan a few years ago in an amazing match. They get to go at it again, this time on the biggest platform in all of wrestling, and for it’s biggest prize, the WWE Championship. Shinsuke won their last encounter, so an argument can be made it’s AJ’s time. After a lot of thinking, we still see Shinsuke going 2-0, and taking the WWE Championship. While we said that the Smackdown tag title match will be a dark horse match of the night, THIS match is the odds-on favorite.

Noobs: “Is that a violinist? Is that an orchestra? What is going on here? What’s with his hair? I choose that guy.”

Universal Championship: Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns (Winner: Roman Reigns)

In the WWE’s latest attempt to put Roman Reigns in the top spot, he is going up against the most dominant champion the company has had over the last few years, the Beast Brock Lesnar. This year is a little different, as the storyline they created to hype this match made Reigns a character we can actually get behind, and not someone who feels forced down our throats. Now, maybe we would have rather seen Finn Balor fight for the title, but this is what we are getting, so we choose the Big Dog to finally dethrone Lesnar.

Noobs: “Is that…no. Is that…AQUAMAN?!?! Oh, you KNOW I’m going with Khal Drogo all the way.”

Wrestlemania only comes once a year, and WWE certainly makes a spectacle of it. What do you think? Are our picks right? Who do you have in your pools? Let me know on Twitter @donnielederer or sound off in the comments below.

Images: WWE

A rasslin’ round-up…

• WWE stars who would make great horror villains.
• WWE’s web series spoofing ’80s regional wrestling.
• Xavier Woods demonstrates how to do Boogeyman make-up.