close menu

What Kind Of Terrible Person Doesn’t Like Halo?

Me. The me kind of person. It is a shameful secret I have kept buried inside my space war-, alien race-, FPS-loving soul — until now.

I could list the many, many reasons (But why should I when the internet will do it for me?) for my extreme meh Halo feelings (AND I KNOW THAT IS AN OXYMORON) but it really boils down to those stupid dwarf grub things and the Gremlins 2 flashbacks their ridiculous death gurgles induce. DO NOT WANT. I despised killing them in that little garden in ODST – hated the way it essentially forced an elite killing machine (me) to hunt lawn ornaments on a deserted planet. I just think an interstellar epic space battle fighting against an evil alien coalition called The Covenant and The Flood should oh I don’t know – NOT BE ABOUT MURDERING GIGGLING GNOMES.

Christ, it feels good to have come clean. I’ve been LYING all these years because I have been deathly afraid of the nerdrage, inevitable shunning, sammich demands, and possible McCarthy-esque blacklisting. But I can’t live like this any longer, you guys. Like Don Draper, I am tired of running*. I’m ready for your censure in the comments section. Go ahead – NOTHING CAN HURT ME ANYMORE! I AM FREE OF THIS TYRANNY! YOU HEAR ME BUNGIE? THAT IS THE SOUND OF ME SHAKING MY FIST AT YOUR SKY!

*Also like Don Draper, I enjoy a nice rum soaked breakfast food but that is neither here nor there.

Image: Crossways International

A Definitive Ranking of All the Candy from WILLY WONKA

A Definitive Ranking of All the Candy from WILLY WONKA

Hitchcock's SPELLBOUND is the Weirdest Movie Ever

Hitchcock's SPELLBOUND is the Weirdest Movie Ever

Hound Tall

Hound Tall : Medical Ethics



  1. Chuck Wilton says:


    You are not alone with your EXTREME meh over HALO. My son has the same feelings. He is almost anti-HALO.

  2. 4d4m says:

    Disagree, if there is one thing that makes my life complete it’s the ability to shoot a lawn gnome. Then to send me to a euphoric state turn the skull on that sends confetti flying through the air when you head shot the little bastards and listen as it’s serenaded by the cheers of small children… The bliss!

    The contrast between the different enemies was kind of nice too. The break between the epic elites was broken up nicely by the ability to stomp an entire race into the ground. I’m sure the elites thought our national guard was annoying too!

    No, for real. Like many people have said the campaign part of the game is definitely “meh”. At the end of the day Halo: Combat Evolved was the only good single player game. In fact it was a great game, even with the gnomes. Everything since then has just been a multi-player charlie foxtrot. If you like an almost Unreal Tournament style multi-player FPS then Halo 2 and up is for you. If not then I guess it won’t be.

    Finally to the person who said the problem is The Flood. I would like to remind you of the first Halo and the library level. Play that on legendary and tell me that’s not one of the most epic of all levels in video game history.

  3. DefconDan says:

    I will take the shrill annoyance of grunt voices over the shrill annoyance of multiplayer smack talk and sheer stupidity anyday!!!!

  4. Chris says:

    While not a die hard, one of my favorite memories ever came from playing the original Halo w/ my 2 best friends.

    We were standing outside a cave, and we could hear a whole bunch of “gnomes” hiding in the entrance… we waited a few moments to see what would happen, and all of a sudden we heard one of the little critters say (in his uber high cartoon voice) “Cover me, I’M GOING IN!!!!” and around the corner runs one of the little runts. We just lost it, and spent the next few minutes dying laughing.

    It was just so clever, and so cute, we barely had the heart to shoot his face off. Barely.

  5. Fry says:

    You don’t that Halo? That’s been a source of gamer angst for you? Wow, let it go.

    I can tick off at least five shooters better than that stupid game. Go crank your way through some Battlefield:BC2 multiplayer, and let the healing begin.

  6. joe says:

    why do waste so much of your time and ours talking about the games you don’t like? why do you feel this expectation to like the things some other people like?

    pro-tip: you don’t have to change or justify what you like to be a “gamer”. there are all kinds of games out there. talk about the ones you like and stop apologizing.

  7. NicoleSpag says:

    I don’t know if I can say I don’t like Halo Reach at the moment, but it’s just there are too many other awesome games out there that are competing for my attention. Maybe I’ll go back to it after the new year and try to enjoy it or maybe I’ll just play the multiplayer with my friends and call it a day 🙂

  8. Geoff says:

    The only fun I’ve ever had with Halo was at a LAN party with good friends. Even then, I could take it or leave. Halo by yourself or with strangers is a complete waste of time.

  9. Ian says:

    Some of the last good times I had with a late friend was playing shotguns on Beaver Creek in Halo 2. It was a good way to talk when your mind is busy with the video game also.

  10. Courtney says:

    might i suggest 4 bottles of wine and 3 close friends. playing against eachother. after the wine is gone it always fun. when I first started getting into halo it turned me into an alcoholic.

    and it gets serious. the on screen battles quickly turn into living room fights. i didn’t talk to my bff for 3 days once after a halo game.

  11. Benjamin Sharp says:

    I have to agree with Shift about the Flood. Hate them. I also have to say that I’m not terribly impressed with the level design in the Halo games. They are a tad repetitive. And by “a tad” I mean completely and horribly.

  12. Shift says:

    The problem is not the Grunts, its the Flood. I was so happy when there wasn’t any Flood in Reach. Sooo happy.

  13. scrufy 1 says:

    its a Jackal! a Jackal? A Jackal! is it a Jackal? its a Jackal!!! A Jackal! its a Jackal! Jackal?

  14. Ferenc Wostry says:

    I don’t like HALO exactly because of these reasons. The enemy is just waaay too cartoony.

  15. Andrew Cardona says:

    I don’t like Halo either. I did play it with a bunch of people when 2 game out. but thats all those guys played. I can’t play the same game all day long, every day. I literally bored myself out of it. When I stopped wanting to play Halo those douche bags stopped wanting to hang out. I love FPS but I’m burned out on Halo for all my future lives.

  16. Morgan Blaze says:

    what you’re saying is true, because it just seems pointless to try and kill all of these grunts. playing it on legendary makes a huge difference. but also, i dont blame you for having said hatred and not playing the game

  17. shaun says:

    Halo has been unimpressive since I finished the first one. I couldn’t force myself to play through the second. Also, I used to think xbox live was all 12 year old, racist, homophobic, misogynists, but I’m pretty sure it’s just Halo multiplayer.

  18. Kiala Kazebee says:

    I don’t like the Brutes either. 🙁

  19. Stephen Cook says:

    Maybe if you played on legendary like the game is meant to be played, you wouldn’t have to chase giggling gnomes and you would see more Brutes an Elites.

  20. rich says:

    Thanks to the multiplayer I have probably played Halo more than any other game, but I’ve also played through all versions multiple times. That said, I have to agree on the grunts, except I think they sound like Cartman from South Park. NOT KIDDIN! Compare the two, specifically Halo 2 (Not the current iteration, Reach though. They no longer speak the English in that one). And I also, oddly, don’t love the game even though it sucks up lots of my free time.

    Check it:

  21. Gwif says:

    What is this “Halo” of which you speak? I am still happily playing “Adventure” and Roguelikes.

  22. Zil says:

    I have witnesses who’ll attest as to why I dislike the Halo series–I suck at FPS and RTS games and I have a horrible tendency to try to watch more than one screen and end up nearly vomiting. It all stems back to Sonic 2 and playing that while being stuck in the second area far too long one Christmas long ago. But seriously, it’s good to know I’m not the only “Halo isn’t all that” person out there.

  23. my_leisure says:

    I really doubt you’re going to get much flack for that mini rant. Have you ever played with the Grunt Birthday Skull on? So when you get a headshot streamers shoot out and you hear kids cheering? That always makes me laugh.

  24. Annecoultersadamsapple says:

    I don’t like it either. It’s what mass effect would be if Michael Bay got his hands on it.

  25. I think you might have mentioned before that you don’t enjoy online multiplayer, but I would argue that’s the reason to play Halo. The campaign is absolutely meh, and armies of “giggling gnomes” do get tedious. However, I almost never tire of dropping down on some poor unsuspecting online player, giving him the one-two with the shotgun, and yelling “I AM THE TERROR THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT” into the mic.

    …actually, I think that’s exactly why you said you hate multiplayer…