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The bodies from Infinity War aren’t even cold (or rather “dust”), and yet it’s already time to move on to the next big superhero blockbuster of the season, Deadpool 2. Except we aren’t entirely ready to turn the page just yet on the Avengers big showdown with the Mad Titan, especially because it didn’t go so well for them–or us. If only they had a little more help, even just one more powerful being could have been enough to turn the tide in their fight with Thanos.

Someone like the ****ing Merc With a Mouth.

But what would that have looked like? We’ll never truly know, because whether Disney buys Fox or not it’s doubtful we’ll ever see Wade Wilson team up with the Avengers. We know how Captain America feels about “language.”

Also we know what happens when we get a PG-13 Deadpool, and it’s the literal worst.

So we’ll just have to imagine how he might have fit in the film ourselves. Where would he have ended up? Who would he have been paired with? How would he have gotten along with the others? And would he have made a difference? Those aren’t easy questions to answer, but fortunately we know where it would have started for him: New York City.

Deadpool Joins The Fight Against Ebony Maw and Cull Obsidian

Deadpool lives in New York City and would notice the giant spaceship. Existing in the MCU means he lived through Loki’s attack, so he’d know he why he’d have to fight. Tony Stark, Doctor Strange, Wong, and Spider-Man didn’t get the Hulk, but Deadpool would have helped, especially with Cull Obsidian. Deadpool’s healing ability would have allowed him to absorb a lot of damage. We have a feeling he would have beat Tony to the punch with that great “Squidward” joke though, which would have made Tony very angry. It was bad enough for Iron Man that Strange was already his fast quip-equal, egotistical Tony would not have have appreciated Deadpool being even funnier. Also Wade would have called Strange “Count Dooku” and broke the 4th wall with a joke about Disney owning everything. None of his new team would like him very much.

It’s hard to see how he could have kept up with the fight though, since Ebony Maw floated Strange around the city, and Iron Man and Spider-Man were able to fly and web their way after him to the ship. Which means we know how Deadpool would have stayed involved and made his way to space.

Deadpool Rides Iron Man

As far subheaders for a Deadpool column go that’s gonna be tough to top, so we’ll pull out before we do something we regret.

Spider-Man Isn’t Allowed to Leave

Tony wanted Spider-Man to go back to Earth, but Deadpool would have grabbed him before he could get away. They’re on an alien spaceship carrying a magician with a time-bending stone that could determine the fate of the universe. Deadpool would be smart enough and emotionally detached enough to know the spider kid would be able to help them even without Peter Parker stowing away. Which means Tony would have been furious with him the entire time for putting the kid at risk.

Deadpool Gets in the Way and Almost Dies in Space

Tony and Peter’s “Aliens” plan to kill Ebony Maw was ingenuous. Unfortunately Deadpool’s fearlessness, impatience, and inability to shut up would have given away the element of surprise, leading him to face “Doctor Zoidberg”, only to get his ass kicked. At least he’d provide enough of a distraction for Tony to blow out the wall, but Deadpool would need saving from the vacuum of space just as much as Doctor Strange, putting all of them at risk. This would also make Tony mad, and Doctor Strange extra exasperated.

During the introductions where they use their “fake names,”  an obviously frightened Peter Parker desperately tries to stay polite after Deadpool removes his mask, but Wade would have eased the tension with a bunch of self-deprecating jokes about his own face, possibly with a Mask reference Peter didn’t get. (Look it up on Cher’s IMDb page!) Spider-Man would get a kick out of his crass new partner, especially when our favorite-meta joke-making Merc said the “No shit, Sherlocks” joke to Robert Downey Jr. and Benedict Cumberbatch everyone wishes Quill made.

An angry Tony would not make him an Avenger.

Deadpool Meets the Guardians

After letting everyone know–repeatedly–going to Titan was “fricking stupid as crap” (PG-13…sigh), Deadpool has no choice but to fight with the rest of the team. But before Thanos, they encounter the Guardians of the Galaxy. A quick rundown of who he would get along with:

  • Drax doesn’t understand sarcasm and Deadpool is the most sarcastic man alive. Deadpool would love Drax and they’d be the funniest pair in the film.
  • Mantis is always confused and finds everything funny. Deadpool and her would be best friends.
  • Star-Lord always needs to be the coolest guy in the room. He would hate Deadpool, who would definitely add to the “overweight” gag from earlier by making a joke about Quill looking like the fat guy from Parks and Rec.
  • Nebula hates people who talk a lot. She and Deadpool would get into a fight on Titan, with them each cutting off each others’ arms. Tony and Quill break them up like two dads at a soccer game.

“Purple Cable” Shows Up

The amount of Josh Brolin/Cable jokes Deadpool would make might actually ruin the scene. But he’d make up for it by constantly asking why he can’t just cut off Thanos’ arm. He’d become the frustrated voice of the audience, asking obvious questions like, “Why we don’t just decapitate Grimace while he’s asleep?” He’d be so upset by this he’d forget to fight, which makes Tony very mad, especially because he stole his Grimace joke.

Deadpool Goes Poof

Letting Thanos win was the only way forward Doctor Strange saw, so it’s unlikely Deadpool would have made a difference. At least he would have added some levity after they lost, especially by making fun of Star-Lord for ruining everything. But after people started disappearing, Tony would try to attack him for forcing Peter Parker to stay on the ship in the first place. Before he could get to him though, Deadpool would start to vanish himself. And in his last breath he would say, “Don’t worry I’ll be back. Black Panther isn’t the only one with a sequel still coming.”

That joke would make Robert Downey Jr. very mad.

Okay, so maybe Deadpool wouldn’t have helped beat Thanos. If anything he might have been in the way. But considering how funny it was to see Iron Man get frustrated with the Guardians, it would have been hilarious to see him deal with a superhero with an even bigger mouth the whole time.

What do you think it would have been like if Deadpool was in Infinity War? Tell us your best ideas in the comments below.

Images: Marvel, Fox

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