It’s Monday: arguably the worst day of the week. Unless you indulge in this here rundown of everything you may have missed that’s going down on the small screen, that is! Because catching up on all the television news that’s fit to print makes today — and any day you start off with a hot ‘n’ ready TV-Cap! — the best day of your life. I mean where else can you bask in the magic of Too Many Cooks while reading about Aaron Sorkin leaving television after The Newsroom as you mourn the loss of Hell on Wheels and Selfie? To say nothing of the new teases we have for BBC Two’s The Fall and HBO’s new Duplass series, Togetherness.

See how awesome Mondays can be? There’s just so much to know! You’re welcome and we love you.

Too Many Cooks: You’ve seen this already, yes? The absolutely insane, totally bonkers, yes it really is 11-minutes long faux-introduction to the not-at-all real television series Too Many Cooks? Maybe, somehow, you missed it though. Maybe you’ve been too afraid to ask. Have you not been on the Internet in four days? Did you purposefully blind yourself in hopes of reaching a higher state of being only to have it all come crashing back, along with the reality that life simply is and there’s no way around it? Think that last bit was a touch too much? Here, let this madness wash over you at long last. Oh and long live Smarf, always and forever.

Cancelled AND Renewed: AMC has given a final season order for their series Hell on Wheels. The fifth installment will come in 14 parts split into two over the course of two years (2015/2016) because goddamnit that’s all these MFers seem capable of doing anymore. Oy just STAHP you guys. [Deadline]

TTYL: Selfie has also been cancelled. Sorry, Amy Pond, you’re going to have to wait for another series to make you America’s Scottish Sweetheart. [Entertainment Weekly]

The End of Who: Kyle’s recap of the Doctor Who finale is up if you’re into wibbly-wobbly stuff. [Nerdist]

New Trailer for The Fall: The BBC Two series has a return date in the U.K. (November 13th) and now: a teaser! We shouldn’t have to ramble on and on about how truly excellent this show and its two stars — Jamie Dornan and Gillian Anderson — are, but we will until you take note. Or in the very least, until Netflix tells us when in the heck its going to premiere season two for the rest of us non-United Kingdomers. Ooh, ooh, ooh: we’d even take it airing on BBC America if possible. Just someone please give us this show right MEOW please. Thrilling drama is thrilling. THAAAAAAAANKS!

BREAKING: Aaron Sorkin Exits TV: According to the king of idealism and grand heroic TV gestures, Aaron Sorkin, The Newsroom will be the last you see of him on the small screen. “I know the whole ‘Never say never’ stuff, but I’m pretty certain I’m about to write my last three episodes of television.” He swears he doesn’t hate the medium, though. He just doesn’t see himself having another show in him. Cut to…! [The Los Angeles Times]

…But Aaron Sorkin ON TV Lives: Remember his movie, A Few Good Men? Well NBC, who seems to be particularly slap-happy in the “live event” sector, is pretty intent on doing a live staging of the film as a teleplay. [Variety]

A Star Wars Rebels Exclusive: Joe chatted up actress Vanessa Marshall to dish on her character Hera Syndulla. [Nerdist]

The Cache is Always Clear: And isn’t that a clear indication of what’s going on, eh? We’re very excited for Mark and Jay Duplass’ HBO series, Togetherness. Melanie Lynskey all the time, please.

Show Schmidt the Love: There’s a new girl popping up on New Girl (get it get it? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAoh look a cliff)! The incredibly funny and underutilized Zoe Lister-Jones is slated to recur (that means appear a lot!) on the Fox series as Schmidt’s new girlfriend. Oh la la! We likey. [TVLine]

And ICYMI: THERE’S AN ORPHAN BLACK SEASON THREE TEASER AHHHHHH: [Nerdist]

Image: Adult Swim