We live in troubling times, dear reader. As if civil unrest, bloody regional conflicts, and rapid environmental deterioration weren’t enough, reports of a giant, irradiated lizard creature lurking in the Pacific Ocean have sent conspiracy theorists into a tizzy and government agencies into a studied silence. We know that M.U.T.O. has been hiding something and got a glimpse of the fell beast at Comic-Con, but now the creature’s barbaric yawp has been recorded for one and all to hear, leaving no doubt in this journalist’s mind that we are in imminent danger. Were I you, I would gather your loved ones, stock up on supplies, and leave the coast’s behind to seek sanctuary further inland. Do your part to share this disturbing new evidence and help spread the news of this monstrous menace so that no one is caught unawares. This is not a drill; this is the real deal.

Legendary Pictures’ and Warner Bros.’ Godzilla, directed by Gareth Edwards, opens on May 16, 2014. What do you think?