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Totally Real, Not at All Made-Up New Year’s Resolutions of Your Favorite TV Characters

Ahh yes: the New Year. 2015! Can you believe we’ve been in this crazy new millennium for 15 years already? Where has the time gone?! If you’re like us, a not-small amount of it may have been spent with some of your favorite television shows, spending time with some of the craziest (and best) characters we’ve ever seen on the small screen. Naturally — some of these folks have things they’d like to work on (or not). Because don’t we all? And what better time to express them than right now, on the heels of a New Year’s arrival.

We sat down* with these characters — from Game of Thrones to Orphan Black; Hannibal and beyond — to ask them point blank: what’s your resolution for the new year? We’ve compiled** their answers*** below.

Cersei Lannister [Game of Thrones]:
A resolution? Surely talk of such nonsense is better left to princesses and fools… and other childlike nuisances that don’t understand the real world. I, on the other hand, do. I’ve lived it, I’ve conquered it — against all odds and my unfortunate distinction of being the fairer sex. We don’t make changes, we resolve to fight, every day, for honor. And family. And the crown. No one has given me a single ounce of respect in how well I’ve handled this kingdom while all the men are away at playing war. But I gave up on that hope long ago. What I “resolve” to do next year is the same thing I do every single day with nary a pat on the back: rule this kingdom. Reagent or not, I’m still a queen.

Rust Cohle [True Detective]:
Cohle Ö†detective turned bartender turned detective.
You see, I truly believe the only time man makes a resolution to do anything is when he’s already on the precipice of change. The yearly act of trying to ritualize the art of making change in one’s life makes it nothing more than an empty gesture, a farce. I believe that in order to truly change, man must not make any demands of his character, but rather exist in this fracture plane of here and now, taking in every moment as a directional on a map to the end. Of course the problem with that line of thinking is the naive assumption that we could possibly ever change at all. Man is a solitary creature, a dust-up of evolutionary happenstance not meant to exist beyond a couple thousand years, lest we burn the whole of life an existence on this planet to the ground. So if anything, my resolution is deny my own programming and step into the darkness, where my time on this flat circle will come to an end. For one and all. How’s that for resolute, y’all?

Alison Hendrix [Orphan Black]:
Oh I just love resolutions, don’t you? It’s the best way to start off a new year — with a blank slate and a set of new goals! Last year my plan was to sign up for a half marathon, learn to crochet, and start my own ETSY shop for my craft room creations. …I did manage that crochet one. And, well, I mean: I went on a couple runs last year. That’s good, right? You have no idea how hard it is to be a mother! This year, well, things are slightly different — but I am no less optimistic! Mmmhmm. This year I resolve to try a pottery class, practice mindfulness meditation at least once a week, and definitely focus on my relationship with Donnie. He’s going to focus on his anger issues and I’m going to work on expressing my feelings in a healthy and productive manner. We had a bit of a rough patch this year, and I think it’s important to look inward and constantly, you know, reconnect with your partner. After all, the longer this whole mess goes on the more I’m going to want to drink myself into the backseat of a Honda Odyssey with little more than the kids’ tennis instructor and a racket. Oh my jeez! Did I really just say that? Don’t write that down, I didn’t mean that. I was just, joking! You know how people say things when they’re stressed or nervous. I mean not that I’m stressed or nervous right now or anything, but sometimes being put on the spot can make a girl nervous! Oh fiddlesticks.

Helena [Orphan Black]:
This year I want to have my bebies, save and marry Jesse, and maybe kill Mrs. S for shipping me off to governments. Where are my sestras?

Ron Swanson [Parks and Recreation]:
Son, I don’t need resolutions. I live my life based on the Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness. You see? It’s a foolproof guide to living honorably in a world that has respect for naught. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to go whittle a fork and knife set out of this cypress wood so that I may ingest my lunch of bacon and ham. Good day.

Hannibal Lecter [Hannibal]:
You may not have guessed it but I am a person who takes resolutions very seriously. I think it is important to the mental and spiritual growth of the mind in order to remain steadfast in one’s true nature. We must create for ourselves that which we cannot attain by simple, capitalistic means. In order to retain one’s hold not only on who they are, but where their place is within the world, we must always look forward — not back — at the things we want and need to maintain ourselves and our self-identity. Otherwise madness takes hold — or in the very least, a stronger mind over those that are weak. Resolutions are the gifts we give to ourselves. I think it very important to maintain that sense of self-appreciation. We are all, after all, gifts of this earth. Oh yes, my resolution, of course: I resolve to travel more. I think a bit of travel would do me quite well after all the rain we’ve seen in Baltimore as of late. Wouldn’t you?

Piper Chapman [Orange is the New Black]:
There’s something kinda nice and, I don’t know, normalizing about committing to a set of resolutions — even in prison. It makes me laugh because, you know, it feels so pointless beyond things like “don’t get stabbed” and “maintain more control over your sanity,” but it’s still pretty nice all the same. It reminds me of this one time that Larry and I decided to make some resolutions. Mine were pretty simple — redesign the logo for the soap company, go to pilates once a week — but his were ridiculous. Stuff like “publish a book” and “get interviewed on NPR” — things that seemed so pie in the sky. At the time. This year my resolutions all boil down to one thing: stay fucking sane and get the fuck out of here with some idea of who the hell I am on the inside still intact. Whatever the hell that means, right?

John Watson [Sherlock]:
I quite like resolutions. I’m total rubbish at following through on them, but they’re — I don’t know, optimistic in a way that other promises we make to ourselves, aren’t. This year, obviously, Mary and I have heaps of resolutions to work on together. It’s one of the very nice things about being married, innit? Being able to share in the adventure of growing and making a life and all that. First thing is to stop shouting at machines — despite KNOWING that cash machine at Tesco has it out for me! Yes I know it is an inanimate object, thank you. Oh and I’m going to spend less bloody time sodding off with Sherlock. I’ve got a new family to think about, and he’s barely holding on to “erratic weirdo uncle” territory as it were. Maybe you should ask him, eh, what HIS resolutions are because let me tell you! Lemme tell you — I’ve got a few suggestions.

* = By “sat down” we mean “we sat down at our computer and made all of these up.”
** = Again, written.
*** = Their hypothetical, totally not real, wholly made up answers that we made up. Mostly because, well — these are characters created by someone else’s imagination and not at all actual human beings that exist. Just saying.

What do YOU think your favorite characters would do well to do on the resolution front? Leave your suggestions in the comments.

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  1. Kiri says:

    This is beautiful. And I don’t mean to get too political in the comments, but regarding JW’s resolution to ‘spend less bloody time sodding off with Sherlock,’ it’s important to set goals you can actually achieve, so he may want to just go ahead and cut the following words: