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The Prophylactic Princess Primer:
Find the Right Condom for YOU


I’m on a road trip. I’m wearing earplugs. I’m thinking about condoms. Squinting at my screen in the Texan darkness, my little post is turning into an opus. Honestly, I’ve been writing since I cleaned barbecue sauce off my fingers in Memphis.

So this week, let’s just get some basics out of the way.

1st, let’s face it. As much as school health educators have crammed condom use down our throats (if you were lucky enough to get taught the essentials in school) we as a society generally make pouty faces when it comes to condoms.

Rubber rage is a common theme and I get it. “I can’t feel anything!” “They’re too tight!” and “They keep breaking!” are the exasperation I hear most frequently.

2nd, I don’t desire a threesome with a plastic bag as much as the next person. But can we refine the experience a bit? The answer is: Yes! A thousand times YES! The condom of your (or your friend’s) dreams exists! It’s different for each person, but there is hope.

3rd, it’s better to have one than not. The least sexy experience I’ve had with a condom is when my partner didn’t have one. I made him run all the way to 7eleven 3 blocks away. His excuse? You’re the one who’s a sex educator! My excuse? Uh, I had no plans of having sex this evening and you’re the one with the erection.

So until I get back to Cali South, I leave you now in the capable and nerdy hands of Paul Joannides, Psy.D. He’s the author of my favorite sex book OF ALL TIME,  “Guide to Getting It On.” It’s the book I spent many a night at Denny’s pouring over in high school. It’s hilarious. It’s reassuring. It’s fact-tastic.

Here’s Paul in his very first instructional YouTube vid nerding-out hardcore on the subject. It’s a little rough around the edges, but it schooled even me. Be my friend, Paul! We can be condom nerds together! We can do condomlabra craft night and have a montage! Paul? Oh well. Here ya go. See ya on the other side of Arizona.

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  1. That is the best coffee table/night stand/bathroom book to have!! I recently had to strategically place it in one of my boy’s favorite reading spots so he might pick up on a few new moves (on his own of course!)

  2. @Rob – Hmm, interesting. It seems to have been replaced by a shorter, snazzier version. I’ve updated the link. Thanks for letting us know, Rob!

  3. Rob says:

    The video has been taken down, do you have another source for it?

  4. deb says:

    Nice to see another contribution from Sandra!
    Looks to be a much-needed one; based on what I have had to deal with for my job, not many people out there nowadays are being careful enough–I assume it is lack of available instruction, rather than lack of motivation (although I could be overly optimistic there).
    However–it may just be me, but the Closed-Captioning feature did not work for the video segment, even though it said it was turned on (as some viewers may have been)! Soooooooo…no new insights for me!

  5. @Mason – Background: Awkward situations arise when budding adults are taught about condom use without context of what life will throw at them. No one ever mentioned that perhaps a condom could be the wrong size, or neat tricks on how to avoid breakage or slippage. Luckily, I’ve been in fluid-bonded relationships when the ol’ raincoat has failed me.

    Fear tactics are often used to encourage young ones to use them. Most of my time is correcting such holes in education. But I should be more careful in my language so as not to be misinterpreted. Thank you.

  6. Mason says:

    I liked this article, except for the phrase “crammed condom use down our throats.”

    Way to go making the inconsiderate guy from the sixth paragraph run to 7-eleven with an erection. That’s what he gets for being unprepared.

  7. @Lindsay – I’ll have to look up that chapter when I get home.
    @Crazy Lady – Giggle on, Sister! Immature Loser, you are not. Most people giggle. I giggle.

  8. Crazy Lady Wanna Have Your Baby says:

    I love that Book! but I am such an imature Loser, I would Giggle everytime I read the words Penis and Vagina and other words like it. SHM

  9. Kate says:

    to quote Professor Farnsworth, “All of this knowledge is giving me a raging brainer!”

  10. Nick says:

    Ahh… the condomlabra, a must in every home. Also I couldn’t help thinking how cool the wallpaper that he is sitting in front of would look on my iPhone.

  11. Lindsay says:

    Oh my god, I FREAKING LOVE that book. I lost my copy and was beginning to think I hallucinated the whole thing. My friends and I used the foreign sex-related insults all the time.

  12. Dan says:

    Yes this man rules

  13. Gabe says:

    This guy is aawesome

  14. Evan says:

    And Tiny Fucked a Stump.