Diamond Select has just unveiled a first-look at their action figures for the new The X-Files miniseries, and based solely on these toys, I’m going to try to guess the new plot. Ready? Possible spoilers (purely by accident if so, but still…)

An alien punches Scully in the face, caving in her cheek and throwing off her sense of equilibrium, so that every time she walks, she teeters slightly off-balance, including into Mulder’s face once, splitting his lip. Mulder is so depressed by this turn of events that he stays awake for 30 hours drinking beer, falls asleep in his clothes, then decides that shaving is for losers. Also he travels on a commercial airline at some point, hence the decision to wear easy slip-on shoes without laces. Except he’s on the No-Fly list for about 65 different reasons, and they end up both having to hitchhike to Area 51.

Yes, that will definitely be the plot…when I play with my toys on the living room floor. And then they’ll fight Grimlock from Transformers.

Mulder will come packed with office floor and wall accessories (that’s real; I’m not making that part up), while Scully will have a desk and chair, though I’m not sure if she can sit down in that skirt. More importantly, Diamond also has the rights to classic X-Files, but whether or not those figures show up probably depends upon how well these hangover versions do.

Expect these figures to hit comic stores sometime this summer for $24.99, by which time you’ll know if you like the new season or not. And if Diamond’s usual pattern follows, there’ll be cheaper versions at Toys”R”Us later on that do not come with the office furniture.

Are these the X-Files figures you’ve been waiting for? Or is the truth still out there? Are you that one collector who wants Doggett and Reyes more? Don’t let your case be silenced — speak out below!

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Image: Diamond Select

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