We all know what happened to Luke Skywalker, and Han Solo’s fate is no mystery (see: Luke’s sister); If anyone is looking for Boba Fett, we’ve got a Sarlacc pit we can point them to. With the 30th anniversary of Return of the Jedi (my personal favorite Star Wars film), I got to thinking; What happened to all those various unsavory characters hanging around Jabba’s palace? What did life hold in store for these oft-overlooked aliens? Luckily, I got a hookup in the record keeping department on Coruscant and am here to report on the fates of some of the lesser known folks on Tatooine. Where are they now? What did life hold in store for them? I could have looked all of this up, because as we know EVERY Star Wars character has a full history and extensive bio, but I’m lazy and kind of like to imagine where these folks would have ended up if I were in charge of the franchise. Prepare to find out where that is, young padawans (or Sith-lets; no judging).

BIB FORTUNA

At the palace: Acting as Jabba’s majordomo (butler), Bib Fortuna was in charge of all the daily goings on at the palace; from greeting visitors at the gates, to serving as Jabba’s Huttenese translator, to certain “unmentionable” tasks (someone had to help bathe Jabba). Throughout, Bib remained as two-faced as a Twi’lek can be, simultaneously serving Jabba’s every whim while also plotting the crime lord’s demise.

Post-Jabba: After the devious Hutt’s death, Fortuna made a play to take over Jabba’s palace. Said coup lasted all of five minutes and ended with Bib alone and on his ass in the hot double sun desert. After wandering for what seemed like weeks, Bib made his way into Mos Eisley spaceport in search of a new life-path. While no job opportunities availed themselves, Fortuna contacted a local photographer and got a set of headshots made up (he did some modeling in his youth). Fortunately for Fortuna, hair-care magnate Jean George JetPacker happened to be in Mos Eisley holding auditions for a new “face of the Jetpacker haircare line” and, in a seemingly fated chain of events, Bib finds himself transported from a lowly “second-hand man” on a desert wasteland to the hottest hair model the empire has ever seen. Bib spends most of his days luxuriating around his Bespin penthouse or traipsing the universe  as an in-demand fashion model.

 GAMORREAN GUARD

At the palace: One of many armored guards that patrol the palace, this particular Gamorrean Guard has a skewed sense of loyalty. While he was absolutely devoted to Jabba, he had little or no concern for his fellow guards, as evidenced by his raucous laughter at the death (by Rancor) of one of his compatriots.

Post-Jabba: After the assassination of Jabba the Hutt (by the coward Leia Organa), the Gamorrean guard found himself guarding no one for the first time since training academy on Gamorr. Lonely and without purpose, he manages to stow away on a transport ship bound for Theed, the capital city of Naboo. With a new ruler on the throne (RIP Amidala), the guard quickly avails himself to the “Royal guards,” and while a Gamorrean has never held such a position, this particular one’s resume (and former employer) speaks wonders for his experience; Plus, he brought his own axe. This guard spent the remainder of his days in dutiful service to the throne of Naboo, while still managing to laugh out loud at the unfortunate death of any of his cohorts. You can take the Gamorrean out of Gamor, but…

 SALACIOUS B. CRUMB

At the palace: Everyone’s favorite Kowakian monkey-lizard, Salacious could be found relaxing on Jabba’s throne, serving the palace as a court jester. While his sense of humor tended to lean towards the cruel, he could muster a laugh from the humorless Hutt, and that’s all that mattered to him.

Post-Jabba: Thought to have died in the explosion of Jabba’s sand barge, Crumb was actually blasted free from the wreckage and wound up a little crispy but not much worse for the wear on the desert floor. After managing to amuse a band of nomadic Tusken Raiders, Crumb was given transport to the Mos Espa spaceport, where he set up shop as a “street comedian”, busking for the various alien creatures that passed through the busy hub. Crumb quickly made a name for himself with his off-kilter brand of “comedy,” and it wasn’t long before scouts from the big Genosian talent agencies got word. Crumb was given a 10-year, multimillion credit deal for a late-night variety comedy program entitled Crumb Time!, which went on to win many awards and established Salacious as one of the most popular comedians in the galaxy. Crumb’s rise to the top was chronicled in his hit memoir The (Monkey) Lizard Laughs Last.

BARADA

At the palace: Jabba enslaved this once proud Klatooinian and forced him to work as head mechanic of his massive fleet of vehicles. While unable to leave servitude, Barada was treated very well by Jabba and even given his own droids. He was driving the skiff that was to deliver Luke Skywalker and company to their deaths when a lightsaber blast sent him to his seeming demise via the gaping maw of the Sarlacc.

Post-Jabba: The Sarlaac is big into the “slow-eating” movement, hence Barada and his new roommate Boba Fett had plenty of time to get to know each other while they were being digested by the stomach fluids of the Sarlacc. The two became fast friends out of necessity and lack of options, often whiling the day away by swapping stories and laughs. Escape seemed insurmountable and the only possible means of exit, Boba’s Mandalorian jetpack, was damaged in the mastication process of the great beast. Without tools, Barada took on the repair as a pet-project, never thinking anything would come of it. One lucky day though, a blaster rifle was somehow digested by the Sarlacc and Barada managed to remove the necessary components and finally fix the jet-pack. On the morning of their planned escape, Boba Fett woke up to find that his good pal Barada has beat him to it, and somehow left during the night. Boba Fett was enraged, which just may have been the motivation the bounty hunter needed to free himself of his fleshy grave. (Long story short, he escaped and killed Barada because HE’S BOBA FETT AND HE’S THE MOST AWESOME EVER!!!)

MAX REBO BAND

At the palace: What was once a popular touring pop-band became Jabba’s enslaved personal musicians, being forced to perform nightly at the palace (and occasionally some road gigs, such as the attempted execution of the rebels over the Great Pit of Carkoon).

Post-Jabba: The band barely managed to survive the destruction of Jabba’s sand barge, and though they all survived, the same cannot be said of their musical instruments and equipment. Out of work and stuck on Tatooine, frayed nerves got the better of the Rebo Band and when lead singer Sy Snootles called it quits, the rest of the troupe followed suit. After years of solo projects and “reinventing themselves”, the various members of the band agreed to reunite for a one-time-only concert back where it all started, at a small dive-bar somewhere in the boondocks of the Outer Rim. In typical pop-group fashion, the reunion was not as short-lived as intended, and the Max Rebo Band reunited for good, continuing to tour smaller venues all over the galaxy for years to come.

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If you want to find out what actually happened to these characters in the expanded Star Wars universe, check out Wookiepedia, which is the online headquarters for any and ALL Star Wars info.

Dig my choices? Have a better story for where these characters spent the latter half of their days? Want to just talk to me about Star Wars because I’m lonely and love to talk about Star Wars? Leave a Quemment, email me or say hi and howdy on ye olde Twitter Machine.