Hello! This is a recap. Which means it’s full of spoilers! So if you don’t want to know what happened turn away now. Or leave us alone in the comments.

HOLY DOODLE HERE WE GO, FOLKS!

Sestras, take heart and gather ’round, because the Season Three premiere of BBC America’s Orphan Black was not for the faint of heart. I mean, how could it be with those first three minutes of deluded perfection rendered completely, gut-wrenchingly false, right? Whatta punch to the gut. Still, even with all of our feelings getting crushed into dust and tossed around erratically, we couldn’t be happier to be back with the Clone Club, and the series did not dally in its Season Three premiere. Far from it. Those Castor boys are going to make a mess for our Leda ladies!

But first, let’s recap, quickly, where we left off last season: basically, everything’s in freefall. Sure, Cosima was saved (or something?) by Kira and her just-can’t-seem-to-die magicability and/or spiritual connection to the clones, but that was pretty much the only good thing to come out of it. Ethan Duncan killed himself, leaving a cipher to solve and making things far, far murkier than ever before. Alison’s got a dead man buried under her garage (R.I.P. Dr. Leekie), Sarah’s just discovered that Mark the Prolethean was also one of a few, Helena was shoved off into the government’s greedy arms by Mrs. S, and Rachel got a pencil to the eye.

So naturally the episode starts with a dream sequence: in Helena’s mind palace of attempted sanity (though that chatty scorpion of hers would likely say otherwise), wherein her sestras are all together and Cosima is all healthy because science, and there’s bread and cupcakes and ox liver for everyone!

♫♬ Ooh wouldn’t it be nice? ♫♬

Unfortunately, “nice” isn’t exactly how things are going to go for the clones. The arrival of Castor was a surprise to DYAD — according to Delphine, who we’re admittedly trusting far less now that she’s semi-Rachel. I mean we were wary of her before but now we’re terrified of her, too. Sorry Team Cophine! — but they’re not without a mission. Scarface a/k/a Rudy worked the straight-up ominous route when it came to breaking things down for Sarah. “Count your sisters,” he asserted, sending Sarah down the path to discover that Helena’s been given over to the military faction responsible for Castor’s upbringing …thanks to Mrs. S.

And oh, how not-good that whole situation goes over. It was bad enough that Seth (another boy clone! Welcome to the trip, as they say) absolutely beat the crapoodle out of Mrs. S, but now Sarah’s pissed at her, too. And rightly so: S had no right to bargain for her and the Leda girls’ lives with Helena — though it’s hard to say if that insertion of hers will help or hinder their quest for answers. (If this show’s track record has anything to do with it, probably a bit of both.) Thank goodness for Felix or this whole family would be in shambles.

I can’t help it, though: I am seriously in love with Seth’s mustache and goofy faces. It’s all very Hey! Whaddaya know? Badabing! Say hi to your mother for me! but not:

It seems as though the Castor clones have not arrived for some sort of genetics identicals picnic, where they meet their long-lost sestras, swap stories of clonedom and laugh and laugh and laugh. Haaaa. They’re looking for answers — Ethan Duncan’s research, mainly. (Genome is the new black.) But they clearly have more information on their origins than the Leda gals do, what with all of Rudy’s inferences and saying of ominous things in French. These boys are dangerous, loose canon types thanks to their rigid upbringings and self-awareness.

Seriously though if you can translate that line, please let us know in the comments, because what we heard was “sellez trois” which roughly translates to “three saddles” which doesn’t exactly feel right, does it? But but but wait IF THERE IS A THIRD ARM OF THIS EXPERIMENT YOU GUYS.

…OK so we’re getting ahead of ourselves. WOOPS-slash-weird/new/different. It’s a conspiracy show what do you want from us?! …Anyway.

Let’s talk about that cloneswap!

We all love a good clones-playing-clones scene, don’t we? Well this one thought it was an idea so nice they’d do it twice. With Sarah as Rachel and in a twist: Alison as Sarah, all in hopes of tricking Topside cleaner and generally scary-face-haver, Ferdinand. SUPER NOT SURPRISED he was into getting choked during sex with SarahRachel.

Speaking of Rachel, though: let’s get back to that poor thing. If Delphine’s cold — and frankly, disgustingly inhumane — interrogation methods are any indication, poor Rachel will be humanized in no time. Sorta like what last season was all about with Helena. Only this season all you need to do is swap out “cornea” for “corncob” and press a thumb into an eye and we are already on board with saving Rachel.

Becauseimean DAMN, Delphine! We thought it was off when she called the clones the DYAD’s “product” to Ferdinand, but now we’re super-certain that there’s something majorly amiss with her. She definitely loved and had feelings for Cosima — no doubt — but she’s also a bit too gleeful in her assuming of Rachel’s cold-hearted-bitchitude, ya feel me? It might just be her “making it personal” as she mentioned to Rachel in the recovery room, but it’s a bit much to be so maniacal with such aplomb, no? So fun for our general anxiety!

Oh, right, which reminds me: Delphine has ended her relationship with Cosima. In a hallway in between meetings while looking for Sarah. HOMEGIRL IS ON A ROLE WITH THIS STUFF TONIGHT, HUH? And it’s far from helpful given poor Cosima’s current existential crisis. After being pulled-from-death by Kira (via fever dream of Delphine because insult loves injury), our crazy scientist is a bit out of sorts.

Thankfully, our girl still has her head on straight, not giving up on her quest to decipher the, uh, cipher, and figure out their DNA. It’s a race against the clock for both clone groups it seems — at least if those weird freak-out moments of Seth’s were any indication.

Oh and by the end of the episode, Helena was still in a box talking to a loony tunes scorpion.

Other Stuff and Things:
– Helsinki. What do we think was the deal with Helsinki? Why did they kill 6 clones? What was so bad it was worth killing 32 people (collaterally speaking) and 6 clones?
– LET’S MEET CRYSTAL! (Y’know, the clone Rudy almost killed?) Can we, can we please?
– And while we’re at it: WE MUST MEET ALISON’S MOM. MUST. Her store Bubbles already sounds amazing and perfect.
– That “you’re made of the good stuff” line from Rudy was way creepy, huh?
– Susan Teller being real: did ANYONE see that coming? Like at all?
– To be honest, I’m more surprised Alison wasn’t already in politics, but I’m glad it’s happening now. IT’S THE PART SHE WAS BORN TO PLAY!
– “You’re being tested again.” — what does it mean, creepy riddlin’ scorpion?
– “Nothing is benevolent with these people.” TRUER WORDS, Fee.
– What a lovable goob that Scott is — up there with the Donnie Hendrixes of the world.
– Oh and WHAT THE FUCK ROLE DOES PAUL HAVE TO DO WITH ALL OF THIS?!

OK, Clone Club: what’d you think of the premiere? Let us hear your thoughts in the comments!