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My Vagina Is Not The Reason I Hated Red Dead Redemption

Look! Swimming horses! Magical!

I really, really hated Red Dead Redemption. Like in a “omg I am so bored I could eat someone’s hand off-not mine because I like having hands-but I am a little hungry for a hand snack” kind of way. And don’t think I am unaware of the cannibalistic nature of that sentence in relation to the RDR people-eating sub plot. BECAUSE I TOTALLY AM AWARE.

Look, I know everyone on the planet loves this game and I wanted to love it, too. There are virtually no Western themed video games, let alone any open world ones, something which always seemed weird to me because who doesn’t like Westerns? Besides your mom?

And yet here we are living in this Western-less video game world, subsisting on African zombies, fancy lad snack cakes™, and whatever little morsels of not Western themed shooters gaming developers have deigned to throw our way. So when RDR was announced, of course we all got raging nerd boners and salivated trail dust and thought dirty thoughts about The Unforgiven , High Noon , and Blazing Saddles and then the game came out and I. Was. Bored. Out. Of. My. Mind.

But-and here’s the thrust of the thing-no one else was bored. Thanks to a super scientific research project I conducted on Twitter, I would guesstimate about 900% of RDR players are very happy with the product which leads me to conclude I am either crazy or stupid or SMARTER THAN EVERYONE. I even asked game journalist Earnest Nex Cavalli for his thoughts on the game. Here’s what he had to say:

“There are few settings as innately masculine as the Old West. World War II will grow hair on your balls, life in Europe during the Dark Ages qualifies you for a tire rotation and side of beef at Firestone and training as a ninja in Japan circa 1470 will totes score you some mad geisha tail. Yet, for some reason, game developers just don’t use the Old West as a setting. That’s why it’s so refreshing to see Red Dead Redemption treat the era with such affection. By transplanting Grand Theft Auto’s game play basics to the unfamiliar landscape, RDR‘s creators leave players free to enjoy the more entertaining aspects of life in the dusty frontier: namely, shooting cattle rustlers, tying women to train tracks and failing, repeatedly in all of my efforts to use a rattlesnake as the single most awesome lasso known to man.”

AHA! MASCULINITY! Is my vagina to blame? Is that why I was so turned off by the game? Because my vagina doesn’t care? Let’s think about that for a second, pee on it, and then light it on fire. While I greatly respect Nex’s opinion and way with words, I must vehemently disagree with the idea of “Boys Only Fun” being the major draw of this game. I love Westerns. My vagina definitely loves westerns especially that one with Russell Crowe and Sharon Stone and Gene Hackman. I am meh about GTA but not enough for it to greatly influence my feelings here. I’m not  immune to the naughty excitement of hogtying a lady in order to gain valuable information leading to more fun in-game play. What I don’t like is riding, riding, riding my horse all over the place for hours on end without encountering a single fun thing to shoot at or advancing the plot in any way. ALSO WHY CAN’T MY HORSE SWIM? Horses swim in real life. They ford things. Like rivers. WHY CAN’T MY HORSE FORD? Ugh.

To sum up: I did not enjoy Red Dead Redemption. That game owes me fifty bucks and a fording horse.

Learn more about what Kiala hates here!

Image: Russian Horse Guard, 1914

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  1. Tam says:

    I agree with this review. I borrowed the game off my brother after my friend recommended it. At first I thought it was stupidly easy (for example, the aiming system) and mind-numbingly boring. Just as well it has awkward controls to make it interesting. I rode that horse around for weeks, hoping the game would stop repeating itself (ride to one side of the map, do a gay little quest, ride to the other side of the map, do another gay little quest etc.) until finally I couldn’t play it any more. Most repetitive game I’ve played in a long time.

  2. Alli says:

    Oh, please. I have a vagina and I enjoy this game. I’ve put so many hours into it, beat the single player campaign so many countless times, it’s ridiculous.

    “What I don’t like is riding, riding, riding my horse all over the place for hours on end without encountering a single fun thing to shoot at or advancing the plot in any way.”

    Riding, riding, riding your horse all over the place for hours is what they did in the old west. I think Rock* were aiming for realistic. Besides, haven’t you heard of stagecoaches? Lol. I actually find it fun to ride around on a horse. I would prefer that over what GTA has.. driving cars around. Boring! And it’s an OPEN WORLD game, what do you expect? I have a feeling you didn’t even play the game for very long. There is so much to do. You can do missions, side missions, or challenges… and in multiplayer there’s even more to do.

    I think it’s kind of stupid the horses can’t swim.. but you know, I’d like to think Rock* just got lazy with the animations.

    But.. that is just what I think, and my opinion. Not everyone is going to enjoy the game.

  3. Sunshine says:

    Aw, man, I can’t decide between a water polo joke or an Oregon Trail joke. You’re making this too difficult.

  4. Emmy says:

    Was “The Quick And The Dead” the one with a young Leo DiCaprio in it? If so, I definitely liked it and so did my vagina.

  5. ohsnap says:

    The Quick and the Dead was a HORRID western. Tombstone is a better example of a good western. If you’re not a fan of GTA then it should have been obvious that RDR was not going to be your cup of tea. That’s like saying you were “meh” to Modern Warfare then complaining you didn’t like Bad Company 2.

    Different strokes for different folks.

    Some other things: I don’t know how much programing background you may have, but a water system to give you the ability to swim with or without the horse would have added a crap ton more money and time onto the game. On the subject of riding: It’s a WESTERN (GTA You drove everywhere) there’s bound to be horse riding involved. And you can fast travel all over the place. Camp sites and stage coach rides are not hard to come by.

    Do you play many “sandbox” games? I would suggest you stay away from them as you don’t appear to be a fan of the genre.

  6. mandacost says:

    If they could make a video game as badass as the Quick and the Dead for us western lovin’ nerds, I would be crazy into it. A shame that GTA with horses is all we have.

  7. Kiala Kazebee says:

    Yay! I converted you!

  8. Brady says:

    Alright, your list is definitely worthy. Previous comment redacted.

    I’m from PDX too, we should get down on some home-team MW2 matches.

    Also, I’ve been looking for that Simpson’s Driving Game at every CD Game Exchange I can think of. The one for GameCube. So, so good.

  9. Kiala Kazebee says: