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LYT Review: “John Carter” Sends a Red Stater to the Red Planet

Considering the lackluster teasers and eyesores that have passed for advance posters, it’s quite the pleasant surprise that John Carter wastes no time smacking your eyeballs upside the head with full immersion in one of its many “holy shit” moments right off the bat. It’s a shootout between solar-powered flying warships from the dueling Martian cities of Helium and Zodanga, the latter of which is a massive moving platform kinda like what would have happened had Howl’s Moving Castle been designed by Baron Harkonnen (seriously, if you don’t get those references, look them up. Worth your time. Moving on).  Zodangan leader Sab Thang (Dominic West) has his vehicle get caught in a sandstorm, at which point it gets boarded by mysterious bald people who materialize from the sky, led by Mark Strong’s Matai Shang…

An aside: if you read the character guide that was handed out to many of us press, it’s hard not to burst out laughing when coming across lines like “Sab Thang is the Jeddak of Zodanga,” or “Matai Shang is the Holy Hekkador of the Therns.” This kind of thing can be deadly; The Chronicles of Riddick, for one, never completely recovers from that risible introductory speech by the Necromongers about the Underverse. Not all will agree here, but it’s to John Carter‘s credit that all the made-up words are simply integrated into normal conversation rather than spoon-fed to you. Some have and will complain that it’s too complicated to figure out who’s who; no doubt we can sit back and amuse ourselves watching critics who insisted Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy just needs several viewings to appreciate (or that Tree of Life is entirely comprehensible) complaining that John Carter is convoluted because it has lots of characters with weird names.

For my money, putting out a line of action figures early would have easily remedied this, but for whatever reason, kids are doomed to disappointment that nothing onscreen is available for purchase in smaller, more plastic form afterward. If you can find any of the small-scale McFarlane Prince of Persia figures and an Attack of the Clones Geonosis Arena Playset, that’s as good as it gets.

But back to Sab Thang, Jeddak of Zodanga. Matai Shang gifts him with a powerful new weapon that’s essentially a blue Witchblade crossed with an organic web-shooter and the power of a laser cannon. With this, he can become ruler of Mars, a task that isn’t as hard as it sounds because Mars is mostly dead anyway. All he has to do is take over the rival city of Helium, which is distinct from Zodanga by virtue of being non-mobile and blue.

All of the above is narrated by Willem Dafoe, who also informs us that Mars isn’t what we think we know, and that its inhabitants call it Barsoom. Later, we will identify Dafoe’s voice as emanating from a ten-foot tall green alien named Tars Tarkas, which is odd because Tars is narrating events to which he clearly wasn’t privy. It’s doubly odd when the rest of the movie is narrated by John Carter himself. But unless you’ve already seen the film, this won’t seem inconsistent till afterward.

And then we’re on earth, watching John Carter (Taylor Kitsch) send a telegram to author Edgar Rice Burroughs, his nephew in this telling. Burroughs (Daryl Sabara) rushes to see his uncle, only to find him apparently dead (yeah right, or there’d be no movie) with a journal left behind. This is where Carter’s narration takes over, and for about ten minutes we get to see what a 3D western looks like (pretty cool in the Xpand format, less so in Real-D). Carter is a Civil War vet in a bad fake beard, and hails from Virginia (yes, I know VA went blue in ’08, but it usually doesn’t, and the title joke was too obvious-yet-heretofore-unused not to make), who is searching for a magic cave of gold, but has to punch Bryan Cranston a few times in order to get there. Plus, when he does find it, he also finds one of Matai Shang’s magic bald species, the Therns, and after a brief skirmish finds himself waking up on Mars.

Rather than get thrust into the Helium/Zodanga battle right away – and for those keeping score, Helium’s people wave blue flags, while Zodanga’s wield red – Carter soon finds himself among the most sentient non-human species of the planet, the Tharks, of whom the aforementioned Willem Dafoe character Tars Tarkas is leader. An initial misunderstanding betwixt languages causes the Tharks to think Carter is named “Virginia,” which provides a cheap and always-funny laugh line, though everyone is soon speaking English thanks to Carter drinking the magical MacGuffin juice of something or other.

All right. Enough plot summary. Trust me, there’s a lot more to go. Burroughs hasn’t really been squeezed into typical movie three-act structure here – it plays out a lot more like a cliffhanger serial, or a book with chapters. It’s a bold move to get a more faithful adaptation, and a good one, but does risk the whole Lord of the Rings “too many endings” complaint from lame whiners. This may be Disney, but little is toned down – there are a whole lot of people and creatures dying onscreen, but they bleed blue, which somehow makes it family friendly in somebody’s eyes. One notable concession that would have had to be made with any studio – the characters aren’t as naked as Burroughs had them.

The humans of Mars were red-skinned in the text – here, that is achieved by giving Caucasians many red tattoos in a Celtic design style. Could be that even a casual mention of “red skin” risks being offensive, though racial subtext is in there – Carter, being the only “white” man, is thought by Barsoomians to be an ape, as those are big and pale in their land; given that the hero fought in a pro-slavery army, the irony is surely intentional when he himself is placed in chains by oppressors of another skin tone. Likewise, those who look will find populist critiques of modern government (how little it must have changed since Burroughs’ day), with the Therns pulling the strings of political power much like we imagine corporate donors do in reality, as mass casualties and eventual environmental Armageddon are the outcome they care naught about, shape-shifting constantly to distract all but the most observant.

Have you seen this done before? Yeah, there are echoes of familiar films, themselves inspired by the original books. No Star Wars fan can fail to semi-recognize terms like “jeddak” and “banth.” But you haven’t seen it all put together this way – Dafoe’s Tarkas is an instant classic, with a moral ambiguity and character arc befitting a classic heroic yarn. And the hero’s journey is not the usual, predictable simplicity of “identify the bad guy, lose a fight to him, storm the fortress, the end,” that we so often snooze through. Indeed, not every loose end is wrapped up, leaving plenty for further sequels that probably won’t happen, alas.

One misgiving: Princess Dejah Thoris ought to be so beautiful as to make John Carter drop everything to fight for her, but we have a problem here: Kitsch is even prettier than actress Lynn Collins. Collins gives Dejah a smart sexiness, but Kitsch, as tough as he can play, still looks like a fashion model, and his perfectly blow-dried hair doesn’t help. Both give fine performances, but I’m betting anyone truly bisexual picks the dude here.

That aside, John Carter is a science-fiction epic worth cheering, one where however much they spent, it all went to throw amazingly huge and awesome things onscreen in the service of a story that some are actually calling too complicated. It isn’t, but a second viewing will reward anyone who doesn’t have the capacity to remember a shit-ton of made-up words and names. Those airships in 3D, though? Gorgeous.

And so you know, dear reader, I have read three of the books, but none of them was about Carter himself, just his offspring. I liked them at the time (age 13, I think), and yet was disappointed that every one ultimately boiled down to being a love story (yes, monsters held my attention more than girls, even at 13). So maybe I’m unduly happy that this one isn’t, at heart, JUST a love story. Maybe you’ll be mad about that. Me, I love the battles. And the four-armed dudes.

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  1. I throughly enjoyed the movie Read a “critic” review saying it was a flop. He is an idiot. It was great

  2. LeetheGirl says:

    I’m sorry but if I may, the comment about the princes’s looks is just stupid.

    Why would anyone, bisexual or not, pick Cart over her? Sure he’s pretty, but aside from that he’s the most bland element in the entire film. I would understand if you prefer your eye candy to keep their mouths shut but surely you’d at least like for them to show the odd facial expression.

    I know I’m knit-picking here, but finding fault with not placing an actress that hotter than the male lead is… yeah, it’s stupid. At least ONE of them can act.

  3. Reed says:

    @”Sir Funkytown…” I don’t think anyone would say that the script is strictly GOOD, but that’s it’s just good enough that it doesn’t get in the way of the cool stuff. And, if you thought Episode I was confusing… Yikes. I don’t even know what to tell you. That is, at best, a matter of taste, as some people prefer a complex plot. And it’s, at worst, more a flaw of the audience than a flaw of the plot.

  4. Robin Burks says:

    It’s so weird. All of the mainstream critics seem to just want to hate this movie, but myself and my friends – we all loved it. It just goes to show that you can’t trust the mainstream critics, right? I don’t know why they went into the movie wanting to hate it, but they’re wrong.

    I’m so happy to see a positive review of it. I typed up my own last night (still need to edit it, though) and personally, I thought the film was spot on.

  5. Huge waste of time!
    Do you know why Episode 1 was shit?
    A shit script and a confusing plot.
    Same with MIB 2
    Same with John Carter.

  6. mechas8n says:

    Thanks. A Review from someone who went into the film loking to watch the film. Not with baggage about every other film released for the last 100 years. I saw the reviews where the guy said “Well, its just Star Wars crossed with lord of the rings”. I just wanted to hunt him down and punch him for being an idot. You do not require punching. That is a good thing.

  7. Cory – please explain how you found it homophobic.

    I’m a straight guy, and I said I think the guy is prettier than the girl. I apologize if you think that’s bashing same-sex attraction in any way. Seems to me I’m acknowledging the possibility of it.

  8. Mike says:

    Something to note for the First John Carter book (I haven’t read the others!) The Therns didn’t make any overt appearances in the books version, so the entire storyline was subtly changed.

    For the better I think, though! The other meandered a LOT more. “Look! We found an enemy tribe’s hatchery! Yoink.”

    There was also telepathy all over the place, which ERB himself pretty much stopped referring to later in the book since… It doesn’t make for good stories if everyone can just read your mind.

    I’ll say this though; if possible, there was even MORE airship combat in the books!

    I liked it. Good movie overall!

  9. cory jameson says:

    “but I’m betting anyone truly bisexual picks the dude here” nice line. However, I don’t know what’s wrong with your gonads but Lynn Collins looks really hot in this movie. That’s not to say Taylor Kitsch isn’t a good looking guy, but the way you phrase your criticism borders on using a homophobic rant to get your point across – which, unfortunately, is NOT unusual for NERDIST.COM or the MANY podcasts it links to.

    All that aside, THIS WAS AN AWESOME MOVIE. I recommend eveyone go see it. One of the best science fiction movies in years.

  10. DreamSmith says:

    I just got back from seeing it, and believe me, Dejah is PLENTY gorgeous. Seriously, I love a movie where, scene after scene, I’m busy just drinking in how beautiful the female lead is.
    And yet, as you say in your review, Collins manages to be more than eye candy. There’s strength there too, and a good deal of dry wit.

    As much as I like wild fight scenes, I really did come away from this seeing it as a love story, and a surprisingly good one at that. You really buy into the way John is shown losing himself to this woman, little by little, until at the end he’s willing to throw everything into trying to save her. He claims, at one point, to be committed to saving Barsoom, but that’s an obvious lie even as the words leave his lips.
    He’s committed to saving HER; the planet just gets to come along for the honeymoon.

    Excellent movie, I’ll likely go back to see it in 3-D.

  11. joods says:

    I grew up reading and re-reading all of Burroughs’ Martian books. I hoped all my life to see a good rendition of it on the silver screen. Finally! Of course, I can follow all of the ‘made-up’ words!! They are in Barsoomian!! Jeddaks, Tharks, Apts–how exciting!! And don’t forget, they’ve been watching us here on Jasoom for centuries through very good telescopes….I’m hoping the series will be re-published for a new generation–it’s the standard for good adventure!!

    I remember taking the paperbacks to class in high school and reading them behind the books we were supposed to be reading. That was in 1972! I’ve reread the series several times since, and most recently last year.

    The reason Dejah Thoris has such wonderful hair is because she is the most beautiful woman of two worlds according to John Carter–and the whole movie is from his view point and his soon-to-be-BF Tars Tarkas. So, a little bias I guess.

    The reason Kitsch is so good looking is because John Carter was probably the most handsome guy of two worlds as well. The book character had black hair and blue eyes, though. I always kinda thought of John Carter would look like Tom Selleck or something, lol!!

    Hey, in the ’70’s we used to people watch at the lake, and sit there looking for John Carter….

  12. Reed says:

    YES. I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m so glad to hear a reviewer identify what this movie is all about, and recognize one crucial thing that skeptical moviegoers often fail to: Cool ships are cool. Good effects are good. Awesome aliens are awesome.