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Google State University

Everyone has heard of The Information Super Highway, aka the Internet. You are on it right this very moment. How many people really use it for information, though? I don’t mean price checking Look Around You (available now on dvd, finally) or seeing how many episodes of Battle Bots aired. I’m talking about real information. Life saving information.

I woke up the other morning to my roommate, Mike, crying outside my door for help. Since he doesn’t have insurance, the hospital wanted to charge him over $200 to remove his stitches. I wouldn’t stand for it. I see myself as a protector of the people, so I offered my assistance in exchange for a free meal at the Souplantation. He wiped his tears, sucked up his snot, and agreed. Thanks to Google, you can now call me MB M.D.

It didn’t take me long to figure out the complexities of cutting some threads and pulling them through human flesh. Lacing your shoes is harder. Without any troubles, I found an abundance of free tips written by real doctors, who, to the best of my knowledge, don’t travel through time. Their knowledge now filed into my mental trapper keeper, I sterilized my tools and got to work.

I quickly realized that wearing a SARS mask would fog my glasses. A choice needed to be made: the glasses or my mask. The mask won. Mike couldn’t really wash his foot for a week so it smelled like the inside of a tauntaun

Two minutes in and I was halfway done. I could have charged $50 per minute at this point. Dumb move on my part. He even used a coupon at Souplantation. I got hustled.

Speaking of Souplantation, I needed a snack.

After snacking, I decided to play through a chapter of Alan Wake.

Mike didn’t think I was taking it seriously. He’s the one who turns down the music at the party. I gave him a glass of milk to calm down and got back to it.

A few minutes later and I was done. Simple. I saved the day and got my soup buffet. All is well. No need for amputation. Although, I wonder if Google could have taught me that too?

The moral of this story is to use the Internet to discover new, useful information and help people. Oh! Also, doctors suck and overcharge for ridiculously easy procedures. OH! Aaand I need to shower and shave before I let someone take pictures of me.

Got a story of Google heroism or day-saving intelligence? Share it already.

Digital hugs.

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  1. Jacob says:

    if only you lived in canada… VIVA FREE HEALTH CARE!

  2. Erik says:

    To keep your glasses from fogging up while wearing the SARS mask, bend that little metal strip tight around your nose.


  3. andoran_g33k says:

    At first I thought those stitches in the first picture were some sort of weird insect o.O

  4. I just bought a house 1o months ago and the internet has provided me with TONS of information reguarding plumbing, electrical work, and gardening tips. Also, while providing me with this information, the internet has also been saving me thousands of dollars by teaching me to make minor repairs to the house by myself, instead of calling a professional. Also, my wife removed my stitches last year so we wouldn’t have to go to the doctor to have them taken out, also saving us hundreds of dollars. We called the doctor first, he said it was cool, and that most people are sissies.

  5. Sean T says:

    And you did it without a Sonic Screwdriver!

  6. AmberKitty says:

    Love your post – just today my husband used wire cutters and needle nosed pliers to get a fishhook out of my forearm – no joke. This is after the firemen and attendant EMTs said they couldn’t help and I had to go to the hospital (i.e. have insurance). Yes; I’m watching for infection and no, I haven’t had a tetanus shot – the kids thought it was cool to see a firetruck up close, though! I blame the 70’s era Pocket Fisherman…

  7. Liana S says:

    Now you can take up your own practice, and when people ask for credentials you can just send them this link!

  8. Liana S says:

    You’re a hero!

  9. Matthew Burnside says:

    Briznye: Nope. Just a regular cotton pad used as a vessel for rubbing alcohol.

  10. Trevismellon says:

    Do you think I could use google to take out my own kidney? I need a bit of money…

  11. Keely says:

    Color me impressed! 200$ for stitch removal is outrageous!! but then paying anything seems outrageous to Canucks.
    Not having need to use the internet to self teach medical procedures (given my proximity to free medical care), the best I can come up with is my recent dependance on it to learn me how to fillet a brook trout… I had a whole, right out of the water, brookie on my kitchen counter and no clue what to do with it.
    Thankfully Google and Youtube banded together to walk me through it – the end result was an excellent dinner, and very little wasted fish.
    Not life saving (in fact life-taking if you consider the Brookies perspective), but I was pretty happy with the outcome and my interwebs assistance.

  12. Briznye says:

    Do I spy an Oxy pad?

  13. Geoff says:

    Gotta say, your roommate placed an unhealthy amount of trust in you. That said, good work.

  14. You’re a regular Doctor Quinn Medici– err. Good job!

  15. Shane says:


    Frozen burritos are awesome…

    And now its time for some late night swimming and hookah. Odd combination I know. Don’t be jealous 😛

  16. Shane says:

    You’re a hero! I giggled at least 2 times while reading your post. It helps that i’m a little drunk but whateves. Good job!

  17. CassiCost says:

    I am so amazed and inspired by this. I’m kinda jealous that you had a roomie that was willing to let you try to use the internet to fix them.
    Also, shame on the freckle haters.

  18. Heather says:

    The moral of this story is to use the Internet to discover new, useful information and help people.

    I thought the Internet was for porn?!?!?!

  19. Matthew Burnside says:

    Sounds like a challenge. I will need two volunteers.

  20. I’ll be impressed when you transplant an organ.

  21. I changed the brakes (rotors & pads) on my car using instructions printed via google.

  22. Matthew Burnside says:

    Luanne: I should have mentioned that he got the stitches in Cleveland during a trip. He needed them removed after returning to LA.

    People: Back off the freckles. Kid’s got character.

  23. Sarah Clark says:

    As someone who sutures (and removes sutures) on a daily basis, I can say A+, great job! And the mask, though unneeded, is adorable and really sells the ‘back alley surgeon’ look. =P

  24. Klaus says:

    Yikes, those freckles. Ws he standing behind a screen door during a shit fight or something?

  25. Luanne says:

    Usually taking stitches out is not billable; whoever sutured his leg should have removed them as part of the original procedure at no extra charge… good job, though!

  26. Joscelyn says:

    look at all those freckles. What a freak.

  27. Eric says:

    I took out my own stiches from my hip with the internets help.