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GAME OF THRONES Recap: The Sorrows of Valyria

The night is dark and full of spoilers, fair friends of the Realm. Which is to say if you have yet to watch Sunday night’s episode of Game of Thrones, “Kill The Boy,” we highly suggest you turn away from this very informative lil recap tout de suite. Don’t say we didn’t warn ya, ya gooses.

There’s that Game of Thrones we know and love! Full of twists and turns and a few life-altering changes for some of our most beloved and hated. Bets have long been off as to where Benioff and Weiss are taking us this season (save for a few dreadful inklings we’ll expound upon later), but one thing is certain: we’re in for a truly bumpy — or should we stay stony? — ride. During Sunday’s “Kill the Boy,” (gulp), the fifth episode of the season we were treated to a heck of a lot of grim reality.

But first let’s start with the one nice thing!

Down in Meereen

After last week we were certain Grey Worm was dead alongside Ser Barristan. As it turns out? Not so much! But while Barrstan slept with stones upon his eyes, Grey Worm dealt with his mortally-wounded pride, deliriously ashamed about being afraid during a fight in which he most certainly should have been afraid! I mean, hello: dudes with masks were all astabby-stab! But Missandei in all her adoration would not bear witness to such negativity from her favorite eunuch, so she — finally! After all this time! — kissed the soldier, leaving him unsullied no more (well, almost).

But Dany was in a far more precarious position, having lost the only councilor with a bit of balanced sense to him. With the Sons of the Harpy still at large, the time for drastic choices may well in fact be now. So, naturally, Dany in all her infinite justice thirst had the leaders of the noble families (including Hizdahr zo Loraq), brought down to the dragon’s dungeon. Because how else do you show your neglected children that you still love them than by lavishing unexpected toys upon them? (Toys they can eat, at that!) “A good mother never gives up on her children,” she uttered right before pushing one of the elders out into the open and onto Viseron and Rhaegal’s proverbial plate. Buuuuuuut call us crazy, a good mother also wouldn’t lock her children in a basement, either. Is she crazy like her father The Mad King before her? To allow such heartless cruelty?

Will that Dany EVER learn?

Well, it seems as though she might have, actually, thanks to Missandei and her infinite wisdom. After taking a bit of Real Talk from one of the few people she can probably truly and intimately trust to be honest with her, Dany heads down to the dungeons, concedes to Hizdahr that she was wrong, and agrees to reopen the fighting pits to free men only (no slaves), casually dropping that she would also then marry him to provide at least the picture of stability and unity to all of Meereen.

Upon The Wall

Up on The Wall, we’re all converting to Team Stannis the Mannis and, well: we 100% did not see that one coming. You see, Stannis isn’t exactly warm and cozy — but he’s proven this season there’s more to him than doing “what is right.” He’s trusted Lord Commander Jon Snow without question, shown us his true love of Princess Shireen (Shireen!!!), and even commended Samwell Tarly on his reading and White Walker killing. With winter very nearly upon them, the time to march south to take Winterfell is now.

But that doesn’t mean everything at The Wall will be all hunky-dory now. Ha. See, Lord Commander Snow concocted quite the plan: to free Tormund Giantsbe, and the Wildings, to collect the rest of the Free Folk North of The Wall and bring them south, where Jon Snow would provide them with the lands they frequently pillaged to set up homes and help in the forthcoming fight against winter.

…All of which goes over like a ton of obsidian bricks with the majority of the Night’s Watch, even Jon’s mini-me (and storyline foil, clearly), Olly. Though to be fair, Tormund was super not on board, either (but at least he was more civil about it).

We also got a bit of interesting stuff with Aemon Targaryen, the maester of The Wall. In particular his little pep talk to Snow regarding his decision to set the Wildlings free. “Half the men hate you already. Do it … You will find little joy in your command but with luck you’ll find the strength to do what needs to be done. Kill the boy, Jon Snow. Winter is almost upon us. Kill the boy and let the man be born.”

Which, uh, sounded really creepily foreshadowing and ominous to us. Anyone else?

Over in Winterfell

Much to Podrick’s seeming chagrin, he and Brienne are watching over Sansa from afar, slowly letting the townspeople know that a Stark has at last returned to Winterfell. Pod was all, “maybe she’s better off,” but Brienne — like the rest of us — was all, “LOL NOT WITH THE MURDERERS OF HER FAMILY SHE’S NOT.” Luckily, we’re fairly certain that Sansa’s soon to have an ally on the inside as well: Theon/Reek. The two have finally been reunited under Ramsay’s smug and psychotic eye as he tried to keep control over a situation he quickly found he has none. Because — TWIST OF ALL TWISTS — Lady Walda, Roose’s wife, is pregnant and they’re pretty sure it’s a boy. Uh oh! So much for that legitimacy, Ramsay — your days may be numbered (though knowing you, you’re fairly likely to simply push Walda down a flight of stairs to induce a miscarriage) as the current “rightful heir” to the North.

But at least you have that tricky schemer Miranda by your side, eh, Ramsay-boy?

And Out Upon Sea/Down in Valyria

Of course the worst/most stressful part of the whole evening was saved for last: doing it “The Mormont way!” which we might as well confirm now means “very hastily and with much danger” because HOOO BOY that scene in Valyria. Which, first of all: how amazingly unsettling was that? If Game of Thrones ever wanted to do a horror movie, they most certainly could with the Stone Men covered in Greyscale in Valyria. And the bait-and-switch of Tyrion seeing Drogon for the first time only to then see this (look to the top left)?

ALL OF THE HEEBIE-JEEBS, MY FRIENDS. ALL OF THEM. And while we’re glad Tyrie has finally seen that the power of Dany is really-real for real-real, we’re terrified now that he’s basically traveling with a slowly transitioning zombie made of stone. YIKES BIKES. Also R.I.P. (in due time), Jorah Mormont. We hope someone mercy kills you and you feel no pain.

Stuff and Things and Other Loose Ends

– Anyone else not-at-all surprised that Ramsay Bolton was born of rape and murder? Of course he was. I bet they baptized him in the blood of helpless, dead orphans, too, just to really cement the deal.
– “A Targaryen alone in the world: a terrible thing.”
– Shoutout to the Citadel’s library! We hope when we finally see it (we’re sure we’ll see it), it’s more glorious than the Beast’s in Beauty and the Beast! (Tell us there are talking teacups, too please oh PLEASE.)
– “I’m sorry I don’t know things.” – Gilly, confirming her status as the person I most relate to on this show.
– “Keep reading, Samwell Tarly.” – STANNIS THE MANNIS
– “You remember what happens to people who bore me; you’re not going to bore me are you Miranda?” The hate-fuck is real between these two.
– Anyone else ready for Stannis to GO TO WAR with Roose? STANNIS THE MANNIS, STANNIS THE MANNIS? (What’s happening to us? SO MUCH HAS CHANGED.)
– I am SO WORRIED about Jon Snow, you guys. Too many things that could be loosely construed as positive have happened to him and all that “kill the boy” stuff just felt too on the nose, right?

What do you think lies in store for us this season? Let us hear it in the comments.

GIF Credit: Vanity Fair

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