Just when you thought The Expendables had been expended, Sylvester Stallone, who is about to have his 67th birthday, and 65 year old Arnold Schwarzenegger are back with yet another action movie about guys who have passed their prime. When all you can make are movies where you’re “too old for this shit,” it’s probably time to take a step back. But, what do I know? I’m just a nerd at a computer. Let’s dissect the trailer for the prison break flick, Escape Plan.

0:00 – 0:10 – Ah, the familiar hum of a thriller’s trailer.
0:10 – 0:14 – You don’t maybe want to try a different reading of that line, Sly? You sound like you’re reading it phonetically.
0:14 – 0:16 – The prisoner with kaleidoscope eyes.
0:17 – 0:21 – One of those three things is Play-Doh. The importance of Play-Doh cannot be overstated.
0:21 – 0:23 – Was there a pause in there? I heard “Nawinalayuh.”
0:23 – 0:26 – Men his age definitely need a routine.
0:26 – 0:30 – No! She blew up that beautiful mid-90s Oldsmobile! I hope it was worth it!
0:30 – 0:34 – That’s completely unbelievable. Where would there be a pay phone?
0:34 – 0:39 – Vincent D’Onofrio doing a very good Paul Giamatti impersonation.
0:39 – 0:44 – Ah yes, a privatized prison system. Those always work out so well.
0:44 – 0:50 – “Our tech guy can most often be found in da club.”
0:50 – 0:53 – I bet the warden’s name will be important later in this trailer.
0:53 – 0:57 – What are the odds these two things are connected?
0:57 – 1:04 – They put him in a giant, live-in Tetris game.
1:04 – 1:06 – “But you may call me Jesus.”
1:06 – 1:12 – Oh, whaddya know? The name of the warden IS important. Also, nice of them to hire a group of krump dancers as guards.
1:12 – 1:17 – This top of the line prison for men over 50 is more violent than you’d think.
1:17 – 1:20 – “I’M the governor around here!”
1:20 – 1:25 – Jeez, I hope they include a complete screenplay with ticket so we know what the hell these two are saying.
1:25 – 1:27 – No argument here.
1:27 – 1:31 – Forced tanning?! These people are monsters.
1:31 – 1:35 – We now return you back to Pants Suits & Sweater Vests already in progress.
1:35 – 1:40 – So far Amy Ryan is the only one who speaks like they don’t have an impacted molar.
1:40 – 1:43 – Why ever would someone want to bury you, guy who professionally breaks out of prisons?
1:43 – 1:48 – Or you could escape and just got have a nice shrimp scampi.
1:48 – 1:51 – “The other three W’s can go straight to hell!”
1:51 – 1:55 – I didn’t realize Arnie and Sly were that close in height. Not a joke, just a truth.
1:55 – 2:03 – WHOA! Completely uncalled for dig against vegetarians! They’re probably too weak to do anything about it, but, man!
2:03 – 2:05 – Again, he’s there BECAUSE he escapes from prisons, so maybe that’d be the first thing you think of.
2:05 – 2:10 – Now they’re in Das Boot all of a sudden.
2:10 – 2:13 – But what if he doesn’t get out but Stallone does? That’s a pretty empty threat.
2:13 – 2:19 – VIOLENT MONTAGE!!!! (Guns were a bad idea, Warden Christ.)
2:19 – 2:25 – “Yes, I will certainly go warn him of your intentions so that he has time to prepare a response.”

Well, that looks a bit on the crap side. What do you all think? Let us know in the comments below!