Just in case shit hits the fan this Halloween, I want you guys to be prepared. Know your exits! Have bottled water! Make sure you get a crossbow and probably don’t ride a loud motorcycle everywhere? And if it’s not zombies, protect your neck! Don’t stay out after dark. You know, the basics.

Luckily for you, Roger Ma cares a lot more. Enough, in fact, to give you two whole manuals in case of emergency. The Zombie Combat Manual and The Vampire Combat Manual, to be precise, just in case you need to take down any sparkling, blood sucking heartthrob jerk-offs or rotting, evil corpses. We all know how to mow down a zombie with a shotgun (don’t we?) but what about your basic level fitness routine, guys? Are you keeping that up? What if you run out of ammo?! GUYS, I WORRY.

The Zombie Combat Manual covers strength, endurance, accuracy, agility — things you need, and even better, weapons evaluations and where you might find them. Then, should you find yourself without weapons, there are very effective hand to hand combat techniques and illustrations to help you stay breathing. I mean, they seem effective; I’ve never had to employ them. There’s a really great way to calculate the walking dead’s average pace too, for you math nerds.

The Vampire Combat Manual is just as thorough and wonderful as the zombie one, and maybe more so because he doesn’t treat vampires like sparkling, fluffy love bunnies. They’re monsters, intent on sucking you dry! Be vigilant, they’ll employ a bunch of techniques, like seduction, deception, and attacking you from above. Enemy assault tactics for vampires are much more intense than I imagined. Do you know how to ward them off with hand to hand combat? Yeah, sure, if you have a stake you want to stab them in the heart, but do you really know where to point that thing? Does fire work? You need to know! Roger will tell you.

I have to say, these are pretty great for learning how to get out of sticky situations where undead hordes are waiting to kill you and all you have is your wits, maybe a weapon but usually your fists. Me? I’d be dead in a day.

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As always, you can find me on twitter @jessicasayswhat and check out my podcast: No Math Allowed! to hear a lot more about books and the weird tangents we travel. Happy Halloween, bookworms!