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An Open Letter from Doc Brown to Marty McFly

Dear Marty-


Having recently reviewed the surveillance footage of the events of the night you went back to 1985, I couldn’t help but be slightly taken aback by your spurious reasoning of only allowing TEN FUCKING MINUTES to SAVE MY GODDAMN LIFE. Ten minutes??? Really. You actually thought that you could get from the Courthouse to Twin Pines Mall (I’m sorry, I mean LONE Pine Mall now–way to run over a tree, fucknut) in ten minutes. What the fuck did you think that could accomplish? What were you going to do? Vanquish the Libyans with your shortness? Yeah, I said it. YOU’RE TINY. Like Ratatouille (2008 reference), but in a puffy vest . Listen, you little feathered-haired leprechaun, any one of these Hill Valley MOUTH-BREATHERS would have had the good sense to go back, oh I don’t know, AT LEAST A DAY to give me time to prepare for the Middle East extremists and their Summer of Love van of fucking DEATH, what with having a device that has mastered the dimension of TIME and all. And I’m INCLUDING Biff in that group. You are goddamn lucky that I have a compulsive disorder when it comes to taping paper back together. Otherwise you’d have been as useless as Einstein with a Vernier caliper. Mark my words, Stuart Little, as SOON as I get this DeLorean up and running again (thanks for turning my car into a fucking lightning rod, BTW) I SWEAR I am going to go back and convince Jennifer to dump your Hobbit ass so you can go on that dumbshit camping trip ALONE with nothing to do but jam your little meerkat penis into that extra sleeping bag in the back of your gaywad new truck. Then I’m going to fuck her into tomorrow…LITERALLY. How long am I going to tap that skinny bitch? “Ten minutes oughta do it!” You vapid douche.

Thanks for watching me get shot twice,


PS – You’re a fucking CHICKEN.

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  1. Adventureless_Hero says:

    Eric Stoltz wouldn’t have even gone back to 1985, so Doc should chill the fuck out and stop hanging out with high school kids. Get a grant, Doc!

  2. Kyle Frederick says:

    Hello Chris, I really enjoy your Podcast and Television show. I discovered doctor who about two years and I’m obsessed. I would love to get started on star trek, I realize most people would probably say how dare I proclaim I’m a ‘nerd’ without having seen star trek. I was wondering if i should start with the next generation or classic star trek . Thank you for taking time to read this and keep on entertaining.

  3. Matt (The Saint) says:

    Currently watching BTTF trilogy, and just shared this on my FB… pure comedy.

    Also @dingo I am also of the Virtual World of Pasadena, just thought I’d represent!

  4. Brent says:


  5. No, the guy after me is last.

  6. Eric says:

    Not so last, Jason… … Now last.

  7. Jason Bickford says:


  8. windracer says:

    Funny how we’re all coming to read since Wil Wheaton mentioned it on the latest Nerdist podcast. But yeah, good stuff!

  9. Karohemd says:

    Hahaha, nice!
    This should be in an episode of the current adventure game by Telltale Games. 😉

  10. Dingo says:

    Funny shit, Chris. Thanks, Will for bringing it up. BTW, the last time I ran across you (you being Will, not Chris) in person was at Virtual World in Pasadena. Just wanted to up your nerd cred. 🙂

  11. Sean says:

    That is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long long time. Thank you Will Wheaton for pointing this out and giving Chris the inspiration for write such a brilliant piece of history.

  12. victoria says:

    ooooh. ooooh i loved this. there isn’t even a word. i kneel before u. . . . wait that sounds dirty. . . um. . . hey follow me on twitter – calamityjane627


  13. Craig says:

    Excellent observations Doctor. Here’s my band’s own personal screed against Mr. McFly. Enjoy.

  14. Fly says:

    I like Marty’s last name!

  15. tiko says:

    funniest shit ever.

  16. Robert says:

    That wasn’t funny in the slightest. Not even close to being “in character” for Doc Brown. So it just comes off as a lame, expletive filled pile of lameness. If it were in character, it would be a funny joke. This is just dumb.

  17. Valerie says:

    Jeez. the lighting rod thing was 55 Doc’s idea. GET IT RIGHT, DOC

  18. Steve says:

    This is amazing. Thank you. That is all.

  19. Tim says:

    I feel like I have found home. To think, all the years I thought I was the only one thinking “10 fucking minutes?” Thank you for finally giving me peace.

  20. Lauren says:

    My open letter to George McFly/Crispin Glover (who trumped my crush on Doc Brown once I turned 12)

  21. SinCity says:

    Okay, I know I’m reading this waaay after the fact, but Marty went back to 1955, not 1959… Otherwise, great post Marty…
    ROTFL about the FUTURE not leaving a baby trail. Love it!

  22. mackie says:

    tried to put a photo of you with a greenish melodica and cool watch oops