Things are coming to a dangerous boil (get it) for our beloved Coven, with both Marie Laveau and a soon to be resurrected Myrtle Snow surely looking to lay the proverbial “smack down.” Another episode is here, and we’ve got some questions that need answering.

-What is the Axeman’s plan for Fiona?

-Who is the new supreme-to-be?

-Where is Steve Nicks?

The answers to (hopefully) these and more, in another edition of the American Horror Story: Coven recap!

Episode 7: The Dead

Part One: Hey Bro

The show kicks off in a flashback, where we get to see a pre-FrankenPeters Kyle singing to Toto at a tattoo parlor (frat boys love singing) and bro-ing out with some of his “brothers,” which includes being generally homophobic and somehow drinking draft beer in a tattoo shop. Kyle explains his lofty life ambitions to his neanderthal (and soon to be dead) frat bros; he wants to become an engineer concentrating on the New Orleans levees. An ambitious, bright young man with his entire future ahead of… oh, never mind. We jump to current day, and the moaning monster that Kyle has become is chained to the floor of the Hogwitches botany lab. Our hero Zoe enters and is obviously freaked out by the howls of FrankenPeters; Also, she has a gun behind her back. Credits.

Part 2: Drive-Through

Madison is alive (and chain-smoking) and narrating, as we learn that since her return from the other side, she can no longer feel anything, which she tries to remedy with a cornucopia of endless binge eating, liberal self-mutilation, prescription pills, and lifted “anonymous brown bottles” from the Hogwitches green-house. Poor undead thing. Back downstairs, Zoe approaches zombie loverboy with a handgun at the ready, explaining why it would be only fair to put him out of his misery (and that he’s kind of an undead murderous monster). Kyle responds in kind by taking the gun from Zoe. Oops. He puts the gun in his mouth to take his own “life?,” but Zoe smacks it away at the last minute and embraces him. Mixed messages, yo. Upstairs in the kitchen, Queenie and her new bestie MMB (Kathy Bates, who was oddly absent last episode) chat over a midnight snack. When the ladies can’t find anything to eat in the house, they hilariously head to a fast-food drive in. Anyone else down for a Queenie and MMB buddy cop-comedy spin-off? The gals bond as they eat their dinner in the car, until MMB starts being all racist and stuff, which would kill anyone’s appetite.

Back at Hogwitches, the now crazy and deformed Cordelia is woken up by a late-night phone call from her Murder Husband, who is like, “I’ll see you soon, babe,” but is sitting in a room chock full of MASSIVE assault rifles. Methinks that was a threat. Cordelia is woken again by a noise and heads to blindly investigate (she’s blind now, remember) when she almost takes a face-dive down the staircase and is saved by Madison. Cordelia receives a vision of her mother murdering the girl, and is visibly shook. Well, visibly for us… ’cause, the blind thing.

Part 3: Gross

Speaking of Fiona, she enters a seedy apartment with none other than the Axeman (or Fake Ray Wise/Fake Anthony Bourdain) for some late night “Hanky Panky,” which is indeed what the kids are calling it these days. The two flirt for a while and listen to jazz while drinking, until Fiona excuses herself for the gross bathroom. She discovers her hair is starting to fall out (a byproduct of the chemotherapy treatment she’s under for her cancer), but fails to discover the very bloody dead-dude in the Axeman’s bathtub. Back in the living room, the flirting ramps up and the two begin to make out, until Fiona has second thoughts and makes to leave. Axeman is bummed about this, to say the least, but manages to entice her back into the room with an invitation for sex. Gross. We hear an even grosser monologue about how good at sex Axeman is, set to an amazingly even grosser flashback montage of his playing the saxophone. GROSSSSSSS. The two go at it, set to the same montage. You know my thoughts.

Back at Hogwitches, Zoe frees Kyle from his shackles, which can only be a dumb idea. She wants to teach him how to communicate, and the two work out a rudimentary speech system. It’s like American Horror Story: Jungle Book! Kyle starts to freak out, and Madison enters the room, not remembering the boy she killed (and subsequently brought back to life). Madison sends Zoe to talk to Cordelia, leaving her alone with the blond-beast, where the two newly alive-again teens share a genuinely sweet and sad moment.

Part 4: Gross again

We’re at Marie’s bustling hair salon, where Queenie makes a surprise cameo and meets the famed voodoo queen for the first time. Marie tries to turn Queenie against her Coven (and also feeds her authentic Cajun cusine) and proposes a deal; Queenie can join her “coven”, if the girl will deliver MMB (Delphine/Kathy Bates). Queenie has some thinking to do. At Hogwitches, Zoe and weird Cordelia are having a little one-on-one time. Cordelia tells Zoe that Fiona is the Coven’s biggest threat (and especially Zoe’s, with her increasing powers), and tells the girl that her mother was the one who killed Madison. Cordelia decides it’s time to kill her mother. The shaken Zoe walks back to her room, only to find Kyle and Madison “Mid-Coitus”; this is just not her day.

It’s the next morning at Axeman’s, and Fiona is getting dressed from an evening of grossness, when she reveals she knows about the dead body. The two lovers seem to know exactly what each other are (especially Axeman, who claims he’s been watching Fiona since she’s 8 years old. This can’t get any more gross, gang). We flashback to child Fiona, who gets into a fight with an older bully, one who the Axeman’s spirit murdered. Axeman confesses to being a sort of a “fairy godfather” to Fiona her whole life. This episode is beyond creepy, guys. I don’t know. Fiona claims to not believe in ghosts, which is silly, because she’s a witch. The odd couple kisses again until Fiona regains her senses, and storms off in a rage.

Part 5: Talkin’

Spalding wakes up in his nightmare attic, chained to the bed, with Zoe sitting at the foot of it; also, he can talk now and he’s got his tongue back. Zoe reveals she knows about Myrtle’s plot, and that Spalding cut his tongue out of his own mouth. Zoe was the one who found the tongue in a crawlspace, and restored Spalding back to “talkin'” condition (also. she’s gotta be the supreme, right?). Zoe wants to know the truth from Spalding, and Spalding can’t lie; He tells Zoe that Fiona killed Madison. Zoe thanks him by STABBING HIM IN THE HEART and murdering him! WHOA! ZOE IS THE MOST AWESOME!!!

Queenie and MMB have a heart to heart, while Queenie decides what she should do with the ancient mean-lady by asking her the worst thing she’s ever done. We flash-back to MMB in olden days, where she is chatting nicely with one of her female slaves, who she promotes to her new hand-maiden. Later that night, MMB applies her blood makeup while the girl is made to watch, and reveals that she has murdered the young lady’s newborn baby for this particular supply. Back in current day, Queenie is, like, “Yeah, that’s pretty bad.” Her decision seems to be nearing.  Meanwhile, Fiona is upstairs popping pills (cause she’s Fiona) when another clump of hair comes out of her head. In another bathroom (it’s a big house), Zoe washes Spalding’s blood off of her when she’s confronted by Madison, who is acting awfully bitchy for a girl who just had sex with Zoe’s dead boyfriend. Madison brings Zoe into a bedroom where Kyle waits (and theoretically won’t die from sex with her), and we can only assume a three-way ensues.

Part 6: Queenie is a meanie

The Axeman finishes a set at a jazz club to find Fiona waiting for him. Bad decision, lady. Queenie and MMB are outside and headed for a hair-style makeover. Uh, oh. We know what this means. The writers do a great job of making you actually like MMB right before we know the inevitable is coming. MMB is led into Marie’s salon, where she’s immediately confronted with her ancient foe. MMB pleads with Queenie, who is like, “Nah, I’m a bad guy now” and Marie’s henchmen swarm on Delphine (MMB) and lock her away in an iron cage. Queenie is handed a hand-sickle by Marie and makes her way to her now ex-BFF. We cut to Marie applying a fresh coat of blood makeup. Damn.

Final Thoughts:

Loved the MMB/Marie/Queenie stuff, loved the Zoe/Spalding stuff… liked the Fiona having sex with Axeman a whole lot less. Fun episode, but not the best. The show however, still is. Can’t wait ’til next week! See ya then, my coven.

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