Hi, I’m Kyle Hill of Kyle Hill’s Fairy Forest Removal. Do you have a rainforest infested with tiny magical creatures? Are your machines powered by too-disturbing-for-the-children-of-1992 black goo voiced by Tim Curry? Are your workers suddenly shrinking down to the size of mice? Then Fairy Forest Removal is for you!

We’ve got machines that cut trees, grind trees, basically eat whole forests. They can rip through ferns, charge through gullys, and make short work of that pesky fairy problem. Land clearing technology has come a long way since the ’90s, and I’m ready to pass along the best prices on to you!

We’ve got excavator mulchers. Look at this thing, it eats rainforests for lunch:

We’ve got specialized mulching heads:

Pesky fairies will have a hard time dealing with the Slashbuster:

Need the job done quick? How about a disc mulcher?

You don’t just have to destroy fairy homeland, you can still use that wood! How about a harvester head that can strip and cut whole trees in seconds?

Pollution-loving goo beast getting too close to sensitive equipment? Try out a helicopter-mounted set of buzzsaws!

And when you’ve finished the job, make sure there isn’t any usable land left for magic seeds with a disc trencher:

That rainforest will never know what hit it, so head on down to Kyle Hill’s Fairy Forest Removal for all your evil deforestation needs!

What sort of ecosystem would you destroy with these impressive tools? Let us know in the comments below (you MONSTERS)!

—

Image Credit: Twentieth Century Fox