Fox Mulder and Dana Scully enter the twenty-teens in the new The X-Files miniseries, but Jimmy Kimmel’s perception of the show remains firmly rooted in the early-to-mid ’90s, whence it began. The large cell phones, the days when the idea of democratic governments spying on everybody seemed like pure paranoia, and (best of all) the Mulder-Scully will they/won’t they sexual tension.

As we all know by now, they, uh, did. But not quickly and passionately enough for Kimmel, whose insistence on living out his fantasy of being an X-Files character includes that most crucial aspect of any terrible fanfic—an extremely contrived sex scene.

Don’t lie; you’d do the exact same thing if you could. And you think it’s every bit as glorious as we do. Especially since David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson seem to be up for absolutely anything.

Skip to the 3:55 mark if you just want to get straight to the lip-locking action, but if you’re an X-Files fans, odds are you’ll want the foreplay, too. Like, lots of it. Look, just under four minutes of lead-up is nothing compared to nine seasons and two movies.

Now, can we do a follow-up in which Mitch Pileggi as Walter Skinner joins them for a threesome? He was considered a real hunk to all the nerdy ladies back in the day.

What’s in your X-Files fan fiction? Who would you “slash” Jimmy Kimmel with? And how did we make it out of that skit without an anal probe joke, anyway?

Your truth, however out there, is welcome in comments below. Unless it’s really terrifying.

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image: YouTube/ABC