Well, the secret is out, folks. Time to step into reality and realize that Lorde, that New Zealand musical teen nymph, is actually not what she seems. At all. In fact it’s all been a ruse dreamed up by some music industry executives. The truth? Well — if you can handle the truth — Lorde is actually Stan’s dad, Randy. From South Park. That’s right: it’s an old dad that’s actually the voice of Lorde. Really.

For too long we’ve been kept in the dark regarding the realities of Lorde. It was a simpler time, to be sure, when we believed that a teenage girl could so accurately and resonantly touch on the emotional vortex that is growing up for this current generation. But unfortunately the veil must be lifted. Nothing gold can stay, not even if it has a yellow flicker beat. Also because it’s just not fair to Stan’s dad, Randy. But don’t just take our word for it, see for yourselves.

Well, that settles it, world, now doesn’t it? We just have to accept that sometimes things are not always what they seem. Sometimes what we perceive to be talent, charisma, exciting newness, and generally great is actually nothing more than a by-product of some seriously impressive ProTools work, done by a sad dad in the women’s bathroom stall at work, later co-opted by a bunch of record label executives to make money. Seems legit.

Life is cruel but silence is crueler. Welcome to the world, Real Lorde a/k/a Stan’s dad.

Do you think Randy could also potentially be moonlighting as other pop stars?