Spoiler Alert: the following recap contains major spoilers from Wednesday’s episode of The Magicians, “The Cock Barrens.” It is a recap, after all! Don’t say we didn’t warn you …

All hell has officially broken loose in Fillory, and no, I’m not just talking about how dick-shaped rocks played a major part in this week’s episode of The Magicians. “The Cock Barrens” was definitely an hour that set up where all the characters and stories will be heading in the back half of season two, but that doesn’t mean it was all filler. In fact, we actually got a whole lot of important information while Margo proved that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned is not just a well-known phrase. Let’s get recapping, shall we?

Quentin was desperate to finish Alice’s niffin reversal spell that she had been trying to use on her brother before she died, but he needed to find her first. Everyone was convinced he was just going crazy with grief, and he started to believe them. Since he wanted to pay his respects to her parents, he showed up at her memorial back in the real world, and that’s where he finally found Alice, still a niffin and definitely not dead like everyone thought. But she was definitely weak and needed his help.

Niffin Alice led him to a spell that would help her Ka, her soul, finally rest, and so Quentin convinced her parents to do the spell, but they both couldn’t finish it because they couldn’t face those emotions. They each broke down in various ways, leaving Quentin to fend for himself. That’s when niffin Alice showed up looking more powerful than ever, and laughed in Quentin’s face. She was just playing with him the whole time, and only wanted to emotionally torture her parents. She’s actually trapped inside Quentin’s tattoo on his back, and ominously told him they were going to have so much fun together. That can’t be good!

Meanwhile, in Fillory, Prince Ess from Loria made the castle disappear with everyone inside of it, and held them all hostage in Loria with his army until Eliot and Margo agreed to split the Magical Wellspring… and if Margo agreed to marry him. She was not having it, until she hooked up with Ess. Then she was all for it. Apparently he’s got some skills in the bedroom.

But when Penny’s dream hopped into Margo’s mind while she was asleep to help track down wherever the castle disappeared to, he realized something was fishy. With Margo’s astute observations that the rocks outside looked like dicks, Penny tried to travel to Loria, but the castle was nowhere to be found. That’s when he realized the Lorians were just screwing with the Fillorians, and they only used an illusion spell to make everyone think they were kidnapped when they never actually left! Margo called Ess’ bluff and exposed him and the Lorians for the liars they are, and furiously declared war on all of Loria. Eliot was not enthused.

And back in NYC, Julia and Kady finally tracked down the woman who banished Reynard 40 years ago, Dana. Kady was off following a lead on how to take care of Julia’s pregnancy, so Julia went by herself to get information on how to banish Reynard again. But Dana revealed the only way to banish the god was for Julia to have her magical demigod baby and harness the energy from its birth like a tiny nuclear reactor for the spell. That’s how she banished Reynard all those years ago, and she’s been using a Haxenpaxen to make herself invisible from any and all magical creatures ever since. She made sure her demigod baby was safe and will never know the truth about who he is. But Kady showed up just in time to save Julia from Dana, and they escaped with the Haxenpaxen, leaving Dana exposed. Reynard found her almost immediately … and I’ll let you take a wild guess as to what he did with her. Yikes.

MAGICAL MOMENTS:

– Alice’s mother really is a piece of work. It’s no wonder why Alice grew up the way she did with parents like that.

– Fen finally confessed about her past with Bayler to Eliot, and he was not happy about it, to say the least. But he just started to like his wife, so he’s not going to just have her killed for treason. Diplomacy is complicated, y’all.

– Penny’s newly forged friendship with the royal Fillorian mapmaker is my favorite thing ever. More of this, please.

QUALITY QUOTES:

Eliot, to Quentin: Why don’t we get you back to the castle, huh? Get some rest? Some food? And hey, there’s an entire kingdom’s worth of problems to distract you … We really are beset.

Kady’s toast with magic methadone: To all the heroin I am not taking.

Eliot: Ho-ly s-t. The walking plot twist returns.
Penny: Hi. I need something.
Eliot: Shocker. Hey Fen, look who it is. Unc-ey Penny. That’s right, I knocked her up. No big deal.
Penny: Uh … congratulations?
Eliot: Like I needed more people calling me daddy, but yes. Thanks. We’re … thrilled [sigh].

Penny: You got a royal botanist or something?
Eliot: We did, but apparently he sort of got eaten on the job.
Penny, lauging: By what, a plant?!
Eliot: [Stares].
Penny, rolling his eyes: I. Hate. This. Place.

Margo: Did he just call me a virgin?!
Eliot: Bambi, let me, please.

Margo: No, you’re not leaving me in a castle full of barbarian frat bros.

Eliot: You could have been a little diplomatic.
Margo: By agreeing to marry a complete stranger on the spot?!
Eliot: I did it!
Margo, pausing: That was different.
Eliot: You’re right. This would only really be equivalent if Ess was a girl and you found pussy, you know, interesting in a sometimes you like Thai food kind of way. And now it’s all Thai food, forever, until you die.
Margo: No. He’s a man who seems arrogant and entitled and unclear on the concept of consent. I can’t imagine what could possibly go wrong.

Penny: Where are you?
Margo: Loria, some canyon with these purpleish rock things.
Penny: Rock things?
Margo: Dicks, okay?! They look like dicks.
Penny, laughing: Full scale, or half?
Margo: Honestly? It’s a variety pack out there.

Ess: Scouring the room for a weapon? You have a look in your eyes, that’s all.
Margo: It’s called resting b-h face.

Kady after smelling the Haxenpaxen: Oh god, what’s with stink master flash?

Margo: You f-ked with us.
Eliot: Mm hm. Yes he did.
Margo: You f-ked with our castle.
Eliot: Amen, sister.
Margo: And now we’re going to put our Jimmy Choos so far up your ass, you’re going to taste next season.
Eliot: Exactly … whatever that means.
Margo: Because the High King and I hereby declare war on the kingdom of Loria.
Eliot: Yes! Wait … really?!

What did you think of this week’s The Magicians? Tweet me at @SydneyBucksbaum!

Images: Syfy

The Magicians airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on Syfy.