A beautifully written Valentine’s Day card doesn’t come into being in its final form. It takes a wordsmith working on it with great care, constantly searching for just the right words, all in order to help you express the love that lives in your heart. Like any process, it has to start somewhere, and based on where these cards began it’s a good thing it doesn’t end there.

In another edition of the segment “First Drafts” on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, the host showed that the Valentine’s Day cards we all buy look a little bit different in their first iteration. Sure, a card with a butterfly on it that says, “You make my heart flutter,” is a nice sentiment to share with someone special, but that really isn’t the case when it originally said, “Let’s be friends until you turn into something prettier.”

I mean, it’s definitely better for everyone involved with a card that has an owl on the front when it ends up saying, “You’re a hoot,” and not, “You’re an owl.” (Unless you date an owl. In which case you probably are also an owl, so I doubt you are buying a card anyway. I mean there’s just no market for that card.)

I don’t want to give away all of them, but I will say the first draft of that pizza card would probably get someone a sympathy date.

In honor of the best Valentine’s Day card ever, right here in our comments section, write the funniest first draft you can think of for Ralph Wiggum’s “I Choo-choo-choose you” Valentine for Lisa.

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Image: CBS/YouTube