Clink. Clink. Clink clink clink. Stab. Sad face.

With a bleeding finger, I dump thirty or so snarky red pins onto the glowing glass counter. In the case, a variety of delicately carved wooden insertables lounge gracefully in the florescent breeze. I am hunched, like a monk at her sand painting. I am searching.

It’s 10am and this is my ritual. The sex store is open for business. Reggae has been engaged. It is now time for today’s flair.

As I dig, this is my internal monologue:

“What shall it be today, Sandra, hmmm? ‘For Novelty Use Only’? …Nah. Too cutsie. ‘Fellatio is for Suckers’? No. Never. Waaay too sex-negative. ‘Bargain Booty’? Well… I’m not a total whore. Oh! I know. This one. Yes. Perfection.”

***

When I come to work, I know I’ll be inundated with intimate questions, dramatic stories, crank calls and colorful coworkers. Depending on my mood, I may throw myself arms wide open into this crazy abyss, or mentally speed-walk away from the oncoming insanity with hunched shoulders and nibbling rebuttals.

This is my world. Welcome to the emotional barometer cheat sheet.

The Educator

Gestalt: Calm down! We’ll get through this.

Emotional Etymology: I’m teaching a class tonight. This is my game face.

Behavioral Pattern: Oversharing

Favorite Customers: Arguing couples, terrified newbies and confused boyfriends

The Flirt

Gestalt: I wish I weren’t at work right now so I could be researching.

Emotional Etymology: I’m probably ovulating.

Behavioral Pattern: Saying “whole enchilada” with arched eyebrows.

Favorite Customers: The genetically endowed.

The Enthusiast

Gestalt: I love my job!!!

Emotional Etymology: I got enough sleep last night.

Behavioral Pattern: Talking in exclamation points (i.e. Did you know this is the only FDA approved sex toy??? Yeah! It prevents cancer!)

Favorite Customers: Bachelorettes, tough guys and the freshly divorced

The Problem-Solver

Gestalt: Let’s get this done, people!

Emotional Etymology: I just came back from vacation. Your extramarital affair is extra boring right now.

Behavioral patterns:  Avoiding eye contact and only asking yes/no questions

Favorite Customers: Anyone in a hurry, or on their cell phone.

The Medusa

Gestalt: No, coffee won’t help this face.

Emotional Etymology: It’s not your fault. It’s my alarm clock, my parents, and my uterus. But I still hate you.

Behavioral Pattern: Hanging out at the medical counter, just hoping for hardcore types that “get it.”

Favorite Customers: Unless you actually have a CBT question, I recommend you step away.

***

Clicking my selected pin into place on the left side of my cotton tee, I enjoy how deeply satisfied I am with my choice. It reads: “Vag: It’s What’s for Dinner.” Yeah, this is a day for sass.

My daily ceremony done, I cast my gaze out onto the mirror ball lit landscape. Bob Marley wails serenely. Ah. Now let the fun begin.

***

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Image: 20th Century Fox