Infinite realities means infinite possibilities, so somewhere out there right now two of our favorite Rick and Morty characters are engaging in a brutal, no-holds barred Blood Dome-style battle. Unfortunately, our interdimensional cable is on the fritz, so we’re doing a tale of the tape-style breakdown to determine who will emerge victorious.

This week it’s the coolest little dude at Harry Herpson High, Tiny Rick! vs. the rat-killing king of the sewers, Pickle Rick!

This week’s hypothetical matchup is brought to you by Shoney’s.

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TINY RICK vs. PICKLE RICK

SIZE

Since both combatants have the same genius brain, their intellect is a push. But they have very different bodies. Despite his name, this is an easy one for Tiny Rick; at around five feet tall, he is considerably larger than a pickle. Tiny Rick also has arms, legs, blood, and a stomach, which Pickle Rick will be the first to tell you really helps.

Advantage: It’s a big one for Tiny Rick.

MOTIVATION

What Pickle Rick lacks in stature he more than makes up for in fighting spirit. He killed a cockroach with his teeth, built himself a body out of insect limbs, then upgraded his appendages with parts from a rat, which he used to violently kill an entire sewer’s worth of other rats. And he enjoyed it. Oh how he enjoyed it. But that was nothing compared to the carnage he unleashed at the Russian compound. After upgrading his sewer-fighting knife gloves to human skull piercing battery-powered lasers, Pickle Rick took out three dozen highly trained operatives.

Tiny Rick helped kill one vampire, Coach Feratu, and then all he wanted to do was be Morty’s wing man, dance, and play the guitar at parties. Tiny Rick was all about being a chill friend and having fun, while Pickle Rick was winning his own Hunger Games as an actual food item.

Advantage: Pickle Rick kills this one.

NAME

“Tiny Rick” is the opposite of an imposing name, but “Pickle Rick” is even worse. “Solenya,” on the other hand, strikes fear in the hearts of even the most hardened men.

Advantage: The legend of Solenya can’t be beat.

ALLIES

Tiny Rick was the cool new student and everyone loved him, including Principal Vagina. If things get out of control and he needs help he can call on all of Harry Herpson High to come to his aid. But how much can you rely on a bunch of inexperienced high schoolers to help you in a battle to the death with a murderous pickle? Those kids would not be prepared. That’s why Tiny Rick’s best allies are Morty and Summer. They’ve seen some things, so they’d understand what they were in for.

But that’s not enough to overcome Pickle Rick’s new friend Jaguar. JAGUAR! The only man to go toe-to-toe with Pickle Rick and survive, Jaguar would easily overcome any assistance Morty and Summer could offer. Just ask Concerto.

Advantage: Tiny Rick has the numbers, but Pickle Rick rides with Jaguar so he gets this one.

WEAKNESS

Tiny Rick’s just a kid (well, an adult consciousness inside a clone child version of himself), who is far from his physical peak. His reflexes aren’t as quick, he hasn’t fully developed his muscle mass, and it’s hard enough to be graceful when you’re still going through puberty let alone when you suddenly find yourself thrust into a body you haven’t used in decades. Also Elliot Smith music totally ruins his will to live.

Pickle Rick is a pickle who you can literally pick up and eat.

Advantage: Tiny Rick.

INNER TURMOIL

Rick turned himself into a pickle to avoid having to go to family therapy. He said he only did it because he doesn’t respect the profession and has better things to do, but he also did it because he’s trying to avoid dealing with Beth and Jerry’s separation, for which he is partly (mostly) responsible. He has seen how his being away affected his daughter Beth, and now his grandchildren face the prospect of a life without their dad. Rick tries not to let anyone in on his real pain, but his separation from his wife and daughter clearly means something to him. Pickle Rick was his answer to questions he didn’t want to face.

Tiny Rick only made himself a kid to help Summer find the school’s vampire out of boredom, but then decided to stay that way to aid his grandkids being accepted at school. But that quickly turned dark, as old Rick became trapped in Tiny Rick’s body. His original songs and dances were really desperate screams for help, an attempt to be rescued before the real Rick was forever consumed by Tiny Rick.

Advantage: Push

The tape doesn’t lie, two of the best Ricks ever from Rick and Morty are evenly matched.

But the Shoney’s winner is….

It’s Pickle Rick!

We would rather hang out with Tiny Rick 100 times out of 100, but Tiny Rick just wants to have fun, and he’s too busy fighting himself to focus on such a dangerous opponent. Meanwhile Pickle Rick is fighting to escape reality, and his pleasure in committing mass murder shows just how much he’ll kill to do that… despite not having appendages.

Pickle Rick would obviously need to have access to some insects and vermin to have a chance, otherwise Tiny Rick would make quick work of him, but this is an imaginary fight between the two best versions of themselves, and when their brains are equally matched we’ll take the more deadly Rick in a fight.

But who do you think would win and why? Tell us in the comments below.

For more Rick and Morty check out how Pickle Rick trolled us all, the science behind Rick’s cockroach brain control, and hear the show’s composer explain a musical easter egg.

Images: Adult Swim