THIS IS WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT!! Well, if you don’t listen to my podcast (and why don’t you, by the way?), I guess you don’t know, but if you do, THIS IS WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT: Portlandia: A Guide for Visitors. My co-host Drew and I were enthralled with this and laughed about it probably more than was proper on a podcast, but it’s really great. First and foremost, please point out to your best friend that this book is printed on 130% recycled paper in a peanut-free, smoke-free plant by local workers in a friendly and fair environment, free of sudden noises and unnatural light.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7VgNQbZdaw&w=640&h=360]

Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein, the creators and stars of Portlandia, put together this amazing and hilarious comprehensive guide to the city, complete with maps, local advertising inserts, and pictures. There’s a list of symbols to signify what’s what: Vegan, Freegan, Sea-gan, Clothing Optional, Polyamorous, Dog-Friendly (NO CATS), Cat-Friendly (NO DOGS OR MICE), Mouse-Friendly (NO CATS OR ELEPHANTS), Regionally Sourced Waitstaff, and House-Sourced Food (Born/dies on plate).

There’s a whole section for dog owners and for dogs, including detailed maps of dog parks. My dog was super impressed with the Multnomah Romping Grounds, the oldest in Portlandia, “founded by dental floss baron Asa P. Oraglide and christened with a glimmering gold stream of urine by his bulldog Mick Nipper. Features include a 24-hour squirrel concierge and stick storage lockers.” WHAT MORE COULD A DOG WANT? Unfortunately, “There is currently a 25 year waiting list, so insiders advise applying shortly after your puppy’s conception and freezing the fertilized embryo until further notice.”

One of the most useful aspects involves the official car of Portlandia: the bicycle. Spyke and his comrades drew up the 9 Official Bike Rules of the Road, and there’s a great guide for getting around by that or, if you’re not up to biking, on foot.

A pro-tip: Artist Living on the Frontier Properties in Northwest Portlandia is probably where you want to be. Super cheap rent, you can tell all of your friends that you found a hidden gem, you were one of the “lucky ones” and got your apartment from an Eastern European woman who didn’t understand the value of property.

Don’t worry, guys. Whatever you’re looking for, it’s here. So pick it up, watch Portlandia, and figure out where you fit in!

Subscribe to my podcast, No Math Allowed!, on iTunes. Why not? Follow me on twitter @jessicasayswhat and email me at [email protected] if you’re so inclined. Happy biking!