Hi there! This is a recap. That means all of the spoilers. Are you OK with that? Cool — then read on! If not, get outta here and never come back (until you’ve watched “Sacrifices of Crisis”). Got it? Good/don’t say we didn’t warn ya.

First thing’s first: can someone, please dear lord, get Felix a door that actually locks? Like what the what, kids, that place has some major security issues. And that’s certainly not a good look considering all that’s going down in the second episode of season three of Orphan Black. Not only did “Sacrifices of Crisis” not hold back in terms of vague developments and intriguing questions, it also had its fair share of shocking moments — like the fact that holy cats, Seth got shot by Rudy. Is he dead? Does this speak to their glitching? We’ve got so much to discuss about those Castor boys tonight.

But first let’s talk about Team Hendrix.

Oh Alison, Alison, Alison — girl, you are nothing if not resourceful, aren’t you? After declaring herself a candidate for a wee local politics position, Mrs. Hendrix has decided to utilize her pre-sober knowledge — and Ramon — to secure herself a bit of a backing. That’s right, Alison Hendrix: Soccer mom, political player, drug dealer. Is there nothing this woman can’t do? It’s super-risky and almost assuredly going to backfire but for now it’s pretty ingenious, right? I mean it’s also technically blackmail but this is Canada, people are too nice to call it out for what it is, right? MAYBE?!

Sarah, meanwhile, is living in a fantasyland of Cal’s making — the dreamy home, the toys for Kira, the general attractiveness level that is Michiel Huisman (Defcon WHAT) — and so far no one is happy about it. Mrs. S wants Sarah to run, Paul told Cal the Helena barter was to give Sarah time to run, basically everyone is all “Hey Sarah, get the hell outta dodge.” But you know she won’t! Nor should she: leaving now would almost certainly ensure her sestras’ deaths. Besides, WHY ARE THEY SO SCARED DON’T THEY KNOW FEMALES ARE STRONG AS HELL? Has no one here watched Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? I MEAN JEEZ.

Thankfully, after everything that went down in the episode, Sarah listened (at least a little bit) and sent Kira on her way with Cal to Iceland. Here’s hoping nothing goes epically wrong there! Since we now had our Cal suspicions confirmed: he wasn’t taken advantage of in regard to his inventions, he was a bit of a war profiteer, and he’s on a couple of people’s watch lists. But why are people so interested in Cal? And is this going to put he and Kira in danger? MAMMA’s NOT HAPPY, Cal. You keep that little miraculously invincible clonebaby SAFE do you hear me?

Perhaps the most interesting aspect of the evening, though, was the Castor boys’ storyline. We learned a lot about them tonight and I don’t just mean their penchant for freaky-deaky three ways. Also how weird must it be to not only have a threesome with your brother but for him to then have your exact same face? These Castor boys are MESSED UP, y’all.

But regardless of all that sexual deviance, one thing is fairly clear: Seth is not OK. For several weeks, it was revealed, homeboy has been “glitching” like crazy, which seems to be a neurological thing — and part of why they’re out there in the open hunting the Leda girls. After being given a logical reasoning stress test and orders to return to base from Paul, Rudy ignores them, opting to instead head to Felix’s and finish what they started: the hunt for Duncan’s alleged tissue sample of the Castor original. “I’m not going to stand by and watch it happen,” Rudy said to Seth at one point. Everyone says the tissue samples and the genomes were destroyed buuuuut if we’ve learned anything about this show it’s that its players lie. A lot. Like all the time.

Which is exactly what Cosima’s doing in the name of playing the game. GO SCIENCE! With Delphine back in Europe playing Rachel for DYAD, everyone’s favorite scientist was meeting with Dr. Nealon trying to gauge what it is they do or do not know. But one thing is for certain: they are clearly hiding stuff from the clones. When Scott arrives with inexplicably great blood work numbers, Cosima posits a more spiritual component, much to her own chagrin. Unfortunately, we’re erring on the side of believing that the DYAD was purposefully pushing Cosima to the limits — her treatment not a treatment at all. After all, Leda also started as a military experiment and we know their genes have been messed with to be kept “infertile,” but what if that was only one part of a larger truth, right?

And Dr. Nealon’s whole speech about making “hard choices” regarding medical treatment line seemed to point to that when he looked at her and said that, for a chance, he and she are now making those choices together. COSIMA KNOWS, you guys! She knows something is up! And it’s nice to see her playing detective for a bit. I’m sure they’ll learn soon enough who these original donors were and just how genetically altered they all are — both male and female.

Over in Whoknowswhereistan, Helena is getting treated like the pregnant queen she is — ha, ha, ha! Juuuuust kidding, she’s getting waterboarded. Because, you know, how else are you supposed to make sure your li’l baby boxtroll has really shaken off those “it’s my clone in a box!” blues than with the inability to breathe? Right? (Ugh the military just seems like the worst, doesn’t it?) Thankfully she’s got her scorpion friend and a dream of mangoes to keep her fighting for survival. Because we — natch — do not trust Dr. Coady or Miller (the clone). This “stress test” — is that really all it was? I highly doubt it — felt like it told them all way more than they were letting on. Besides, they took samples during the waterboarding exercise and they’re filling Helena’s head with ideas that Sarah was the one to sell her out. At least she has her creepy scorpionfriend to keep her company.

The Helena stuff was particularly interesting as it pertained to the boy clones. She, like Rudy and Seth, was forced to take that weird logical reasoning test. Is putting the clones through the ringer a way to see how much the clones can take mentally? We know the Leda ladies are incredibly strong and have overcome an unreal amount of danger (physical, mental, and otherwise), so it seems to point to their genetics having been altered in a way to make them resilient and resourceful. After all, Dr. Coady did say that Helena overcame “her fate” and that she wanted “to find out how,” which felt incredibly ominous.

It’s like when Rudy shot Seth (AWW SETH! NOT SETH! Poor, dumb Seth). It seemed so emotionless when Rudy shot him, didn’t it? Which was felt diametrically opposed to how sweet and caring and comforting he was towards Seth after, leading at least this particular recapper to believe that maybe Seth isn’t exactly dead. I mean, hey, we all saw the insane number of bullet holes on Rudy’s back; what’s to say these boys weren’t just raised and bred to be soldiers but were created to be super-soldiers, able to sustain and heal from extraordinary circumstances. Like superheroes but less invincible (while still being pretty invincible). It sure would explain Kira’s, well, everything. And that whole brink-of-death, return-to-life thing that happened to Cosima.

Castor was considered an almost supernatural warrior horseman. And the Castor clones were purposefully raised as ghost soldiers: is it really that big of a stretch to think — with their mythological Greek codenames — that the clones were created to be more than human? To be able to withstand going to lengths farther than any regular human would or should?

I mean, it takes a special sort of tenacity to be able to deal with burning a tattoo off your skin with a blowtorch. JEEZ, Mark! Oh, and WHY AND HOW IN THE WORLD did Cal recognize the tattoo?! Sarah only just heard of it from Art, sooooooooo…! Oh jeez oh gosh so many questions.

Other Stuff and Things:
– Three cheers to Felix for literally keeping EVERYONE together and alive and taken care of — Saint Felix of the Rimbaud! (Can someone make a fan art of that in the style of his paintings? Please and thank you!)
– The return of Art: YAY! Now holyjeez someone disclose that he and Beth had an affair already becauseimeanCMON.
– “There’s no rubber mulch it’s like the 70s!”
– “Fist me.” “Fist you?” “That’s the saying.”
– “Don’t doubt our stones, we have ample stones.” DONNIE! STAHP! You’re killing me/I love you.
– “They tampered with you.” – Rudy. WELL YEAH.
– I sincerely hope Kira is safe in Iceland. Do we think there’s a Bjork’d-out Icelandic clone we’ve yet to meet? OH PELASE SAY YES. Tatiana Maslany doing her best Bjork impression is everything I didn’t know I wanted until right this very second.
– WHAT IS MARK’S DEAL? I probably trust him the least of all the clones to be honest. Is he burning off his tattoo because he’s a rogue agent or because he’s trying to stay deep undercover?

What’d you think of the episode? Let us know your thoughts in the comments!