This week, we’re doing something a little different here at Nerdist’s Orphan Black HQ. Call it restless mind syndrome or refer to me Captain AntsyHands, but given how easily monotonous writing a recap can be, I’ve decided to take a leap this week (and if it works out, continue it from now on). So, you guys: welcome to The Clone Club Diaries. Given the myriad bizarre, shocking, and insane things that go on in this weird world of clones, a more creative approach seemed necessary, particularly after last week’s premiere and this week’s “Governed By Sound Reason and True Religion.” Over and over, I caught myself pondering, “Gosh, I wonder what the clones are thinking and feeling right now?” So, naturally, I’ve taken my well-oiled creative license and done just that.

So what happened to the Clone Club this week? Plenty! Read the girls’ “entries” below to find out what’s going on.

Alison
Of all the roles I was born to play, possum is certainly not one of them. Surely Felix should’ve realized that by now, right? And furthermore, how does he expect me to do that? Especially now that I’m all alone?! You know, I really think I’ve reached my wits’ end here. It was bad enough when I’d killed Aynsley and thought she was my monitor. At least then I’d been rid of the watcher. But now? Now I can feel the universe swallowing everything around me and I am helpless to ebb and flows of its tides. I was wrong, so wrong. About everything, all the time.

How am I supposed to keep going when I now know it’s Donnie that’s my monitor! My whole life is a lie! A terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad lie. And I don’t even know the half of them, I bet. Heck, for all I know, Sara from the play could be in on it, too. Fudge and crackers! This is a disaster. A disaster! Oh, God, what am I going to do? Who can I trust if Felix is off with Sarah, Cosima doing… well, actually, I have no idea what she’s doing. But it probably involves that French girl, and we all know she shouldn’t trust her, either! That’s how they get you: they use love and they feed off your emotions. They are creepy, emotional watcher-taker-manipulators. It’s as if I’ve lived my entire life as the emperor who had no clothes! Have I been delusional this whole time? It’s as if I just realized that I’m naked, sitting out in front of the world while everyone around me laughs and schemes and keeps me in the dark and all I can do is…I don’t know. Exist? Pretend I can keep it together? Try? My word, what a mess.

I guess it was foolish for me to think that sobriety was ever in the cards. Oh, thank goodness Ramón is here with my new helpers.

Helena
It has been weird few days. After Sestra shot me, I go to hospital. Tall skinny brown-haired one took me, though, says we are family. I hear Tomas is dead now. I am mostly sad and also glad. I like this new place. I get to sleep all the time, eat some things sometimes.

Cosima
OK, so I might be making the worst decision ever, but I just gave in to Dr. Leekie’s proposal. I’m officially one of them. An employee of the DYAD. Which, I know. I am well aware I’m diving head first into a veritable shitstorm, but how else can I learn any more about who and what and why we are? After weighing all the pros and cons, there really wasn’t any other option than to embed myself and investigate from the inside. Without the DYAD’s information we’re nothing more than lab rats. Besides, my best asset has always been my brain. Might as well put it and my monitor ties to work. Right?

Besides, everyone already knows I’m sick. Rachel Duncan confirmed my suspicions about that. Which, wow: can we talk about her for a minute? Meeting her for the first time was a trip. I thought Alison was uptight but, whoa. Clearly on the spectrum of our behaviors, I was way wrong. Man, environmental factors in the evolution of a species are fascinating, aren’t they? She didn’t seem too keen on my sexuality, which felt a bit odd to me. How can you be judgmental about anything when you’re a freaking clone?! Right? Her backstory’s gotta be fascinating and would explain so much of that. Must ask Delphine what she thought of her later. But I’m getting a little bit starry-eyed and ahead of myself. Back to the point.

If we’re all looking out for ourselves, I know I owe it to myself — and frankly, to the rest of the clones — to figure out what is wrong on a molecular level if we have any hope of surviving this. That’s why I had to take the job offer — without the DYAD’s capabilities, we’re as good as dead. What if it’s incurable? Regardless of my reservations on the matter, there’s no denying that Dr. Leekie’s network is undoubtedly vast, and he’s incredibly intelligent to boot (though I think I managed to fool him on that whole “did you know that Sarah was going to come here pretending to be you?” thing. Close call). if there’s hope for us at all (if we’re all susceptible — which I imagine we are), it’s the DYAD and I that have the tools to figure it all out. This might be our only shot. If you can’t beat ’em, might as well join ’em until you’ve gained all the information that you can and hopefully find a way to free us from all of this, right?

I still can’t shake the feeling that there’s got to be a way to get my hands on that original genome — even if Rachel sorta forbade it. It’s completely illogical, though. How can I give all of the possibilities a fair shot without looking at the possibilities and hypotheticals that the fully sequenced, original genome provides? And how can they be so sure that this is a byproduct of the cloning process? I’m a scientist, man — I need the whole picture, not just part of it. This organization should recognize that most of all. The findings could point in vastly different directions depending on the information provided by the full genome.

Like the fact that Sarah was totally off the grid growing up — um, what? That would’ve certainly be helpful information to have. And how was she? I thought we all had monitors. There’s something weird going on there — how could she, as a child, escape all of this and evade them for years? Man, I really wish she was around so we could discuss it. From a biomedical research standpoint it seems fishy that the DYAD somehow lost one of their subjects for all of that time. How could such a colossal fuck-up happen under their now-proven insanely watchful eyes?

Sarah
It’s utter shite that Fe is making us do this, for the record. Writing down what happens as if it’ll mean something someday. He’s secretly sentimental, that silly tit. But after the past few days I’ve had, I’m more than fine with puttin’ up with that crap if it means we’re all back together. Finally: me, Kira, and Fe. Against the world. Finally, we can run away, put the DYAD, Mrs S., the lot of it, behind us until I can get back to Art and get this all sorted out. I don’t care what Fe says: I’m glad Art’s in Clone Club.

What I’m most upset about is Siobhan. Who does she think she is? Tearing down the house, making it look like they got sacked when she knew I’d be trying to find them. She could’ve made it worse! And whose side is she on, really, anyway?! Nobody who’s all good knows how to put people through airlocks, that’s for damn sure. More like kidnapping, I’d call it. After all that’s what getting stuffed in the trunk of a car at a seedy motel is, innit? “There’s always a high price to pay for righting wrongs,” she said. What kinda shite is that? What did you do, Mrs. S? What did you do? I know you were lying to me about that picture, about knowing what Project LEDA is or was. I still don’t fuckin’ trust her.

And neither does Kira, which was the biggest red flag of all. My poor little monkey; what did she put you through? After Kira told me she didn’t think S’s secrets were all that good, I knew. I knew we had to get the hell out of there and fast. It already felt surreal to be back with the birdwatchers (I hadn’t seen them since we first got here from the U.K.), and what a lot they turned out to be. I was shocked, to be honest, that Siobhan shot the big guy and then let us through. I can’t get a read on her actions at all. Maybe she is on our side, but I can’t take that chance right now. Not with Daniel, Rachel’s bloodhound on our tail, and Ang dying to know what this is all about. She’ll be stickin’ her nose in the wrong business in no time.

No, we’ve got to hide away for a few days, so I can think up a new plan. But honestly, I haven’t the faintest what we’re gonna do…

—

Theories, Thoughts, and Things:
– Ang is totally going to bungle this investigation for Art, isn’t she?
– I’m cool with the explanation of how Helena survived, ‘ish. What about you?
– Raise your hand if you think pregnant Helena is the WORST idea you’ve ever heard!
– Mark (creepy sex nightmare Prolethean): totally going to be the one to impregnate Helena. Ooh, dear.
– I LOVED that this new sect of Proletheans is far left of Tomas. That their spiritual beliefs are tempered by science not only makes them a scarier, bigger threat, but the “old world religious wingnut” thing has been so overplayed at this point.
– Alison’s community theater is doing, hands down, THE weirdest show I’ve ever heard of. Bit too on the nose, guys.
– I’m worried that Sara (Alison’s friend) is somehow involved, because I’m an insane conspiracy theorist sometimes. Government plant? New DYAD monitor since it feels inevitable that they’ll have to replace Donnie?
– I still think Mrs. S is half of the original DNA that created the clones. The more Sarah and her interact the more I see it.

So, whose side is Mrs. S really on, you think? Let us know in the comments!