[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPgGELDc1bE&w=615&h=461]
A couple of weeks ago, I took it upon myself to answer rhetorical questions posed by pop music. Well, after that, I had an influx of unanswered song questions e-mailing me, calling me at all hours of the night, and knocking on my door, disrupting my beauty sleep. So, to appease these abstract concepts, Iâm back to answer some more rhetorical questions from popular music.
Who Wrote the Book of Love? â This is a silly question, Monotones, because you know full well that it was you that wrote the song âBook of Love,â in fact youâre singing it right now. You wrote the song in which you ask who wrote it; how meta can you be?!?!
Have You Seen Her? â Yeah, go ahead, be less specific, please. I donât know who the hell youâre talking about. Am I supposed to know? I know quite a few women, so maybe, like, initials would help. Do you have a picture or something I can look at?
Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind? â Yes. Well, no. Maybe.
Do You Believe In Magic? â Lots of questions today, eh, Lovin’ Spoonful? Well, thatâs a tough question. If weâre talking about the David Copperfield/Criss Angel kind, then absolutely not. If itâs the overall mystery and wonder inherent in the universe, then I suppose I do have a certain inkling toward believing in metaphysical magic. Oh, it was the kind âin a young girlâs heart?â Then, sure.
Do You Love Me? â As a friend, I guess.
Who Do You Love? â Certainly not that guy.
Have I Told You Lately That I Love You? â Alright, seriously, take a hint! NOT INTERESTED!
Do You Ever Feel Like a Plastic Bag? â What? Seriously, Katy Perry â WHAT?!? No! Iâve never felt like a goddamn plastic bag. Ever. Regardless of how much blowing in the wind it does. Really great metaphor, though. You know what else floats aimlessly and ineffectually in the wind? Feathers, leaves, bubbles, and the piece of paper on which you wrote the lyrics to this stupid song.
Hey Joe, Where You Going With That Gun in Your Hand? â Just no urgency at all in that question. I bet Joeâs the kind of guy who walks around with a gun all the time. âOh, Iâm just going to shoot my old lady. You know, I caught her messing around with another man.â This just sounds like a bi-weekly occurrence where these guys live.
Who Can It Be Now? â Instead of just obliquely wondering, howâs about you look through the peephole? Thatâs why doors have peepholes. Come on, Men At Work, youâve got to be more proactive here.
Who Are You? â Iâve always liked this one because The Who seem absolutely desperate to find out who this person is. By the end of the song, heâs like, âLook, seriously, Iâm done playing around; who the fuck are you?!â The answer they never get, of course, is Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On the Bedpost Overnight? â Uhh, probably. I think the more pressing question is, âhow much faith do you have in the cleanliness of your bedpost?â
Whatâs Going On? â Oh, just writing a thing where I pretend questions in songs are posed directly to me. Itâs a pretty funny premise, I think.
Life on Mars? â Are you offering? Do you have some on you? Sure, Iâll take a bit of life on Mars, why not? Just a half, though. Iâd also like an ounce of Ziggy Stardust and a gram of Jean Genie.
Whatâs Your Name? â Kyle Anderson, and Iâm done with this for now.
I believe the answers to “Who Wrote the Book of Love?”, “Who Do You Love?”, and “Who Can It Be Now?” are all Archbishop Desmond Tutu (who, by the way, gives a fuck about an Oxford comma).
Archbishop Desmond Tutu FTW!!!!!
Okay, the answer to The Who’s “Who Are You?” made me laugh out loud. In public. Thanks for making me look like a weirdo.