For many people, the week between Christmas and New Year’s is like the road closure of weeks. It’s annoying, it’s inconvenient, it’s probably going to slow you down considerably, and everybody just wants to get past it as fast as they can. This is because, while Christmas is generally a time of joyful reflection and warmth, New Year’s Eve is the dearth of human existence masquerading as a time to celebrate.

Has anyone ever had a good New Year’s Eve? I certainly haven’t. And neither, it seems, has John Oliver. Though he’s still on holiday hiatus from his show Last Week Tonight, Oliver has nevertheless given of his time to tell us precisely why the final night of the calendar year is such a refuge for human garbage and depravity, and how to get away from it.

H/T: Vulture

If you needed any more reason to love Mr. Oliver, or to think that he should be in charge of all decisions, then that three minute video is it. He’s correct about everything, not least of which being that The Boondock Saints is a terrible movie. (It is, you guys. It’s fine for when you’re a freshman in college, but as soon as you see a Quentin Tarantino movie, you should forget all about it.) Heed all of John Oliver’s advice and lie, lie, lie your way out of having to go pretend to have fun.

What are some of your worst New Year’s Eve memories, OR what did you do to make the evening fun even in the face of soul-crushing despair? Let us know in the comments below!