The promise of new Game of Thrones episodes may be enough to keep us warm through these cold, Westeros-less winter months, but like the Night’s Watch, we’ve sworn to protect you from the sad, presentless wastes that lie beyond the Wall. Having consulted with the elite shopping Maesters of Nerd’s Landing, we’ve assembled the greatest Game of Thrones gift ideas this side of fermenting your own bottle of Dornish Red. So, no need to scratch your head like Hodor this holiday season because we’ve got you covered like archers at a Red Wedding. By which we mean you’re going to kill it as a gift-giver this year.

TOYS/COLLECTIBLES

Funko POP! Game of Thrones figures – For those with an empty spot on their desk or a serious vinyl toy addiction, Funko’s adorable POP! line of vinyl figures is no pretender to the throne of “Cutest Game of Thrones figures”. Be forewarned: collecting these things can quickly turn into an addiction, so treat it like you would doses of Milk of the Poppy.

Dark Horse Jon Snow & Ghost statue – Jon Snuh may not know anything, but we know a killer piece of sculpture when we see one! You’d have to be as dead inside as a White Walker not to melt a little bit when you see Jon Snow and his faithful direwolf Ghost together. Unless, of course, you’re Ygritte, then you have every right to be pissed. Limited to 695 numbered pieces.

Dark Horse Tyrion Lannister statue – No one puts the “imp” in “pimp” quite like Tyrion Lannister. Now, you can commemorate his heroic defense of King’s Landing with this limited edition statue featuring Tyrion bracing for Stannis Baratheon’s attack at the Battle of Blackwater. Limited to 3,000 pieces, this is a must-have for the GoT fan that always pays their debts.

Dark Horse Iron Throne 7″ replica – Sure, it’d be great to have an actual life-size Iron Throne in your living room, but would it really mesh with that whole Mid-Century Modern vibe you’ve got going on? We didn’t think so. It’s far easier to split the difference with this insanely detailed 7″ Iron Throne Replica. Plus, then you can buy 5 hamsters and have them duke it out for the crown of your affections.

Dark Horse White Walker bust – I know what you’re thinking. “Gee, Dan, that’s an awful lot of Dark Horse figures on this list!” Well, to you I say, “Good eye!” and trust me that you’ll appreciate it down the line. And, hey, this White Walker statue is so detailed it’s scary! Like being a fat guy on the wrong side of the Wall and looking up to see a horde of lifeless murderzombies scary! Nothing says “get the hell away from my desk, Reginald” quite like this sneering, frozen barbarian from beyond the pale.

GAMES

Fantasy Flight Games Game of Thrones – The Board Game, 2nd Edition – Hands down my favorite board game of 2012-2013, Fantasy Flight Games’ Game of Thrones – The Board Game, or Game of Game of Thrones as my friends and I call it, is like Risk on methamphetamines. Battling for control of Westeros against 5 of your friends, you must use tactical prowess, backroom diplomacy, and your insatiable lust for power to conquer your opponents and claim the Iron Throne for yourself.

The game has a steep learning curve, but it’s well worth the time you’ll spend referring back to the rule book and scratching your head once you manage to capture Winterfell as Ser Loras Tyrell to sneakily win the game while your friends look on in stunned horror. They have print-on-demand expansion packs too for those of you who have read through A Feast for Crows and A Dance with Dragons.

Fantasy Flight Games Game of Thrones – The Card Game – From the madmen who brought you Game of Thrones – The Board Game comes another way to go head to head against your friends in the wilds of Westeros without playing one of the dreadful video game adaptations. Billed as a “Living Card Game”, this CCG lets you and up to 3 other friends build custom decks to play out your bloodiest power fantasies without any of that pesky real-life murder.

CLOTHING

FencingNArchery Stark Siblings t-shirt – I first encountered the fine folks of FencingNArchery while walking around the High Line in New York City on a hot summer day. I was immediately taken with their clever Game of Thrones twist on the classic street culture design. I was taken further by the sheer volume of Game of Thrones shirts they offer, but it’s hard to beat a classic like this Stark Siblings tee.

21CenturyClothing “God of Tits and Wine” sweater – For those of you with enough self-confidence to fill Blackwater Bay, might I recommend this jaunty little number from Etsy’s 21CenturyClothing? Those in the know will get the reference, everyone else will be like, “Hey, I guess that guy/girl really digs on tits and wine.” Considering all the reputations one could have, that’s not a bad thing to be known for.

BOOKS

Game of Thrones 5 Book Boxed Set – This is an absolute steal right now at $29.97 for a mass market paperback boxed set of every Game of Thrones book to date. Those of you who want a little more structural integrity to go along with George R.R. Martin’s narrative integrity can shell out $54 for the standard paperback edition or $119 for the hardcover edition. The important thing is that you get into that rich, minute detail and worldbuilding that would probably bore you to tears if it all wound up on the TV show.

Game of Thrones: The Graphic Novel, Vol. One – For those of you who are visual learners, Dynamite has just the thing for you – a graphic novel adaptation of George R.R. Martin’s original novels. That’s right – it isn’t just a rehash of the TV show – it’s adapted straight from the books by Daniel Abraham and illustrated by Tommy Patterson. Throw in the making-of extras and process pieces in the appendix and you’ve got a graphic novel fit for a would-be King.

A Feast of Ice and Fire: The Official Game of Thrones Companion Cookbook – Hungrier than the Hound after a long day of decapitations? Want to feast like Khal Drogo at a Dothraki wedding? Pick up a copy of A Feast of Ice and Fire and you’ll be able to put out tastier treats than Hot Pie. Hopefully they skip over the bowl of brown that Ser Davos Seaworth and Gendry were so fond of though…

DVDS AND BLU-RAYS

Game of Thrones Season 3 – Limited Edition Box Set – Just need season 3 to complete your Game of Thrones home entertainment collection? Pick up this limited edition Blu-ray/DVD/digital combo-pack box set housed in a gorgeous, durable statue commemorating the season’s key art and engraved with that old Valyrian phrase “Dracarys” on the back for just $89.99. Plus, the discs are kept in a hidden compartment! A hidden compartment! It’s like your very own whodunit in the palm of your hand!

Game of Thrones Season 1 and 2 Box Set with 3 Limited Edition Funko POP! Vinyl figures – The best of both worlds! You too can just be Miley Targaryen by snagging this two season box set for just $89.99 – a Valyrian steal – you get the Blu-rays, DVDs, digital copies and exclusive Funko POP! Vinyl figures of Khal Drogo, Danaerys, and Rhaegal! Seriously, I don’t know why you’re still reading this and not frantically buying it.

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The best part? You don’t even have to leave the house to buy this stuff. You can send off your messenger ravens and let the Hodors of the world do the heavy lifting.

Do you have any other Game of Thrones gift ideas? Let us know in the comments below!