God help us...

1993, Year of Our Lord.  The Chicago Bulls completed their first “3-peat” and  Steven Spielberg made a couple little indie flicks called “Jurassic Park” and “Schindler’s List”.  Everybody remembers these great moments in time, but fail to remember the family comedy romp “Cop and a Half”.  But “why?” you ask.  Look at the poster.  Oh wait…now I get it.  Only a couple of window-lickers like my brother and I would see that poster and then proceed to watch a movie that features every child’s favorite things: old people jokes, catch phrases and racial tension.

Starring Burt Reynolds and introducing Norman D. Golden II. In Hollywood, “introducing” means you’ll develop a drug habit the size of Pangaea and never make a successful movie again. (see Todd Bridges, Danny Bonaduce…)  I don’t even know where to begin describing how much I loathe this piece of shit movie.  Yes I do.  The plot.   Devon Butler (Golden) is an eight-year old boy who dreams of being a cop. He watches police TV shows, knows police procedures, and plays cops and robbers with his friend Ray (who can “piss 8 feet” as conveyed in this disturbing clip). One day, while snooping around in a warehouse (according to a poll taken in 1993, www.idontfactcheckanything.com states that 9 out of 10 kids prefer snooping around dirty, old warehouses and/or foggy shipyards at night rather than playing Nintendo), he witnesses a mob hit. He goes to the police, who want the information, but won’t give it to them until they make Devon an honorary cop. ( Cop: Devon, do you realize the seriousness of this situation?  You are withholding information that pertains to a mafia-related murder investigation.  People’s lives are at stake! Devon: Can I be a cop? Cop: Of course, little buddy!) The police then pair him with veteran cop and child hater (how convenient) Nick McKenna (Reynolds), and the two team up in a comical series of events to find the killer. (see also: Galena Elementary’s Third Grade production of “Se7en: The Musical”) During their adventures, the two partners (through a series of fart jokes and people getting hit in the balls)eventually come to a mutual understanding in order to bring the killer to justice. Truly heartwarming.

And the Academy Award for Best Director goes to… Henry Winkler for “Cop & 1/2”  Wait. WHAT!?!?  The fucking Fonz directed this cinematic abortion?!  Well, at least teen heart throb/ “Blossom” co-star, Joey Lawrence didn’t do a song for the end credits.  Wait.  He did?!  Well, at least my brother and I didn’t watch this movie 9 times in one day.  What?!  We did?!  Fuck!