It’s that time of year again. Everyone is going back to school, and it’s an important time in people’s lives as they embark on a new chapter. Going off to college allows many people a new lease on life, the chance to have a fresh start while giving themselves an education that will last a lifetime. But with so many different things to worry about — proper time management, finding the right look, wooing the opposite sex, staying on top of one’s studies — it helps to have some advice from older, wiser people who have been there and done that. Well, the best I could do on such short notice were Ricky, Bubbles, and Julian, better known as the Trailer Park Boys. In honor of the eighth season of their long-running cult comedy series now available on Netflix, I sat down with Ricky (Robb Wells), Bubbles (Mike Smith), and Julian (John Paul Tremblay) to pick their brains for the best advice in order to give yourself a leg up this school year. You’re welcome in advance, freshmen.

ON FASHION

Nerdist: What sort of fashion tips would you give people in order to look fresh on the first day of school?

Ricky: I would say that I don’t really like college people – I think they’re a bunch of showoffs – but definitely good hair. Good hair is a good thing to have.

Bubbles: Ricky, you can’t just say, “Good hair.”

Julian: “Good hair”?

Bubbles: It’s a back to school tip! You want to get a nice, new set of clothes.

Ricky: Comfortable clothes. A good buzz on. Definitely take a good buzz on with you.

Bubbles: That’s not…

Julian: That’s not the most important thing when you go back to school, Ricky. You want to make a good impression of yourself to other students. You want to wear something nice — nice shoes, a nice outfit.

Ricky: Also a lot of people that are going to college are dumb and probably shouldn’t be going to college. So when you realize you shouldn’t be there, just get out, go get a job. Like me.

Bubbles: So that’s your back to school tip? Quit. Quit school.

Ricky: Well, if you shouldn’t be there and you’re dumb, yeah. Get out and get a job. Start making money instead of wasting money.

ON STUDYING

Bubbles: You know, we haven’t done a lot of studying. I mean, I have. I got my grade twelve. We didn’t study very much.

Ricky: No. It’s not easy to study when you’re super baked all the time, so I guess if you’re gonna study, maybe not get so baked until you’re done. Maybe celebrate and get baked once you’ve done it.

Bubbles: See, I disagree. When I was in school that would help me study. I would focus straight on the words and they’d go right into my brain.

Nerdist: So, would you recommend flash cards?

Bubbles: Yeah, flash cards is a good time when you’re baked.

Nerdist: So, if you learn it high…

Bubbles: Yes! You’ll absorb it better.

Ricky: And find the smallest, smartest person in the class and sit by them.

Julian: The smallest, smartest person?

Ricky: You can see around them and look at what they’re writing down on tests and stuff.

Bubbles: What if there isn’t a small smart person?

Ricky: You’re probably gonna fail. Or I would have.

ON REINVENTING YOURSELF

Bubbles: Just get some flashy new duds maybe. If I was going out and I wanted to stand out, I’d go retro, get some MC Hammer pants maybe.

Ricky: If you really want to make a statement, you could try no pants. Just walk in, and let it hang — no pants.

Julian: You’re not going to go to school with no pants.

Ricky: Well, if you want to make a statement…

Julian: What kind of statement are you going to make wearing no pants?

Ricky: “This is what it is. This is what I got, how you doing?”

Julian: Why would you do that though? It’s stupid.

Ricky: I don’t know.

Julian: Go to school without pants on?

Bubbles: Ricky, he means like, you know, make a statement like, “Hey, that’s a cool fella! I’d like to hang out with him.” I don’t think people will want to hang out with you with your noodle hangin’ out.

Ricky: All right, it was a bad idea. What would you do, Julian?

Bubbles: Did you ever go to school with no pants on?

Ricky: I did once. I definitely made a statement.

Julian: You don’t even know what statement means.

Ricky: Neither do you, so shut up.

Julian: What does it mean? Statement.

Ricky: Oh, you think you know everything?

Julian: You don’t have a f–king clue what statement means.

Ricky: You’re dumb.

Julian: You’re dumb.

GIVING YOURSELF A COOL NICKNAME

Nerdist: A lot of people take the college experience as a time to reinvent themselves. What’s a cool nickname you could try to make stick?

Ricky: Trainwreck? Nah, maybe not.

Bubbles: What was the question? I totally zoned out there.

Ricky: Cool nickname.

Bubbles: They used to call me Flash.

Julian: Who called you Flash?

Ricky: Yeah, who?

Bubbles: Oh, lots of people. Just cause I was so quick back then. I was on the track team.

Julian: You were on the track team? Bubs, you’ve never been on a f–kin’ team in your life.

Ricky: That was Melissa that nicknamed you “Flash”, and it wasn’t because you were fast at runnin’. You were fast at somethin’ else, way too fast.

Bubbles: I can get down fast, yes. Like a sewing machine.

Julian: You talkin’ about bangin’?

Bubbles: Maybe.

Julian: Bubs, you’ve never banged. Ever.

Bubbles: Yes I have!

Ricky: What’d be another cool nickname besides Flash?

Bubbles: I don’t know. What’d they used to call you, Ricky?

Julian: “Stupid”.

Ricky: Nope, no they didn’t. They called me “Smart Guy”, but I don’t remember what the other nicknames were. “Fire”. They called me “Fire”.

Bubbles: “Smart Guy” was your nickname for a while?

Ricky: Yep, that was what they called me for a bit…

Julian: And “Fire”.

Ricky: And “Fire”…because I burned the gym down.

Julian: That’s a great nickname, Rick.

ON IMPRESSING THE OPPOSITE SEX

Nerdist: What’s your best piece of dating advice as people enter the new school year?

Julian: Date strippers. They’re cool. If you’re dating other women, banging other women — strippers are cool. If you can find a stripper, keep her.

Ricky: Bubblegum.

Julian: Bubblegum? What the f–k you talkin’ about? Bubblegum? That has nothing to do with the question.

Ricky: Well, if you smoke a lot, you should carry bubblegum.

Julian: We’re talkin’ about bangin’ chicks; we’re not talkin’ about bubblegum.

Ricky: Finger exercises.

Julian: As in fingerbanging?

Bubbles: Ricky…you can’t talk about doin’ finger exercises while you’re getting ready for the school year.

Nerdist: Well, you don’t want your hand to cramp up while you’re writing an essay.

Ricky: That’s right.

Julian: No, he’s talkin’ about fingerbanging.

ON TIME MANAGEMENT

Bubbles: Get a watch, first of all. That’s always number one. Get a watch so you can tell the time.

Ricky: And learn how to read it.

Bubbles: It’s just a clock, Ricky. It’s a little wrist clock. You can read a clock, can’t you?

Ricky: What about that thing where there’s like a whole month on a page?

Julian: Calendar.

Ricky: You can plan stuff if you had one of those, I would say.

Julian: It’s a f–king calendar. That’s a given.

Bubbles: I should just teach you how to use a sundial, Ricky.

Julian: He doesn’t know how to tell time on a watch. Big hand, little hand — did anybody teach you that, Rick?

Ricky: The digital ones are easy. They just have the numbers, you know exactly what time it is.

Bubbles: Just like Flavor Flav.

ON SPRING BREAK

Nerdist: The school year may just be starting, but people are already looking forward to spring break. Where should people be planning their trips this year?

Bubbles: Wherever they make those Girls Gone Wild videos. That’s where I’d be heading. Boobs. Everywhere.

Ricky: Yeah, or a place where smoking whatever you want is legal. That’d be good.

Bubbles: That’s not really a spring break destination though, is it?

Ricky: It should be – I don’t know.

ON THE PERFECT BURRITO

Nerdist: What would be inside your ideal burrito?

Bubbles: That’s a great question.

Ricky: Meat.

Bubbles: Depends on are you high or are you not high? If I was high, I’d have different things in my burrito.

Ricky: Pretend you’re high. Extra cheese, meat…

Bubbles: Gummi worms.

Ricky: Gummi worms?

Bubbles: You’ve never had gummi worms in a burrito?

Ricky: No, that sounds actually f–ked. Maybe good, but f–ked.

Bubbles: Bologna. Slow-fried bologna, mustard, gummi worms.

Ricky: Maybe a bit of honey mustard or barbecue sauce. Pepper.

Bubbles: Chocolate bars.

Ricky: Onion.

Bubbles: Peanut butter cups.

Ricky: Bubs, that’s getting really sweet.

Julian: That’s a f–ked up burrito.

Bubbles: You just wait until you try it. Then I’d take chips and crush them up to make it crunchy.

Julian: There’s no f–king way I’d eat that burrito. It sounds disgusting.

Ricky: Onion rings would be good. Donair meat.

Bubbles: I bet you those Epic Meal Time fellas would make that for us.

Ricky: I’m hungry. You could get like an In-N-Out burger and put that in a burrito. I bet that’d be good.

Bubbles: Why wouldn’t you just eat the In-N-Out burger? Why would you jam it in a burrito?

Ricky: Because this is about making a delicious burrito.

Bubbles: Oh…

—

There you have it, folks: words to live by…or not.

Trailer Park Boys Season 8 is now available on Netflix, and you can catch the guys in Swearnet starting on September 12.