Everybody loves Game of Thrones. From all the headlines, tweets, memes, and GIFs, you’d think every single person alive watches it. Hell, my dad calls me every Sunday night during the season to ask what I thought of the episode. Here’s the thing though: I don’t watch Game of Thrones. I never have. It’s not because I’m against it, I just missed it when it first was getting started and now I feel too far behind. It actually seems like a pretty great show. It’s just the fact that everyone talks about it so much, I feel like I know everything about the show. I’ve seen all the headlines and your tweets (your spoiler filled tweets, jerks) so I feel pretty plugged in. I think I’ve got a pretty solid handle on the whole “Winter is Coming” thing.

Some little dickhead.

First of all, I know Game of Thrones takes place in medieval times, sort of. It’s set in place called Westeros that is apparently ruled by children. I mean, there’s that little blond king you guys all hate. I think he died, because everyone was super happy one Monday and now nobody talks about him anymore. I don’t know much about him, but just looking at him makes me what to punch him in the face. There’s also a little queen lady who is sassy or something. You guys like her. I’m guessing a lot of the turmoil and violence of Westeros is due to the fact that the place is run by 10 year-olds. Where are all the adults?!

Little sassy mouth.

Oh, that’s right, the adults are dead. I know in Game of Thrones a lot of people die. There’s Ned, he died. Rob totally died. That guy who plays Aquaman now? Totes dead. I think some guy named Hodor died from a door or something? Unclear on that one. The point is, don’t get too attached to anybody in Game of Thrones. Every Monday morning there’s a headline that says “______’s Shocking Death!” Even if I wanted to start the show from the beginning, I know everybody dies. Except John Snow, who everybody thought was dead but it turns out he’s not dead. Also, his name is Snow on a show where the tagline is “Winter is Coming.” Seems a little heavy-handed. I’m guessing he won’t die ever.

A bunch of dead or soon-to-be-dead characters.

There’s also a bad guy who looks little like Martin Short’s character from The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause. This dude is clearly hardcore because he hangs out with the guys from Mastodon, so you know he doesn’t mess around. From the looks of him he has ice powers or something, too, but they couldn’t call him The Ice King for obvious, Adventure Time related reasons. Apparently, the Not-Ice-King is invading Westeros and only the people who guard this big wall can keep him from coming in. The wall is in the middle of an eternal snowstorm. It’s literally always snowing there. Again, the show always says “Winter is Coming” but there’s freaking snow and ice everywhere. Make up your mind, George R.R. Martin!

Martin Short in The Santa Clause 3: the Escape Clause

Then there’s the elf. She doesn’t seem to interact with anybody else; she just lives in the mountains and desert being an elf. Also, she’s apparently naked a lot as explained to me by my gross dad. As far as I can tell, she’s the only elf and she may or may not have been married to Aquaman who is now dead. So, maybe she’s like the Queen Elf or something? A widowed Queen Elf? She also has a pet dragon, but it doesn’t seem to do much. It just chills with her, being a dragon. There’s lots of memes of them just chilling.

An elf and a dragon, chilling out.

Finally, there’s the wizard, played to perfection by Peter Dinklage. I assume he’s a wizard because nobody else appears to be a wizard and there has to be a wizard. He seems to spend a lot of time just looking pissed off and probably casting spells when nobody is looking. From what I can tell, you guys think he’s pretty cool, another clue that he’s a wizard (you guys think wizards are super cool). I think he might have killed that little blonde douche who was king? Maybe, hard to say, but it seems like something a wizard would do. Never trust a wizard, especially one who is always pissed off.

A pissed off wizard.

I’ll admit I got a little confused when other networks started launching shows clearly meant to capitalize on the success of Game of Thrones. I spent a few weeks thinking that Game of Thrones was having a weird, Highlander themed season only to discover it was a completely different show called Outlander, which I assume is about immortals battling to be the only one. Black Sails also confused me for a bit, but that one is a little more straightforward. It’s about pirates, right? Pretty sure that’s right.

Not a Game of Thrones character. I think.

The one thing I’m not clear on is what exactly the “game” in Game of Thrones is. It could be some sort of medieval form of soccer or maybe a joust or maybe something really cool I don’t even know about. Or, perhaps it refers to the deadly game of betrayal, lust, and greed being played by the characters as they battle for power and control? Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll be spoiled for me in a tweet or article headline soon enough! Excited to see how this whole thing ends! My money is on the wizard.

And we’re pretty sure that tubby eunuch is a merman:

What is Game of Thrones though, really? Let us know in the comments below.

Images: HBO; Starz