I love heist movies. The planning, the precision, the intrigue; I love them. I know next to nothing about towers save that they’re very tall. The title alone of Tower Heist has me all kinds of curious. Let’s check out this trailer and break it the hell down.
0:05 – 0:15: Another trailer that begins with someone saying facts about something that I’ll never remember. But apparently, living in tower apartments is very expensive. Oh, it’s Ben Stiller talking. And Michael Pena made a joke. Okay.
0:16 – 0:21: It’s the staff of these huge towers that make it run smoothly. Cool, I’m with it, right on.
0:22 – 0:29: Hey, it’s Alan Alda! He’s great. And even though he’s rich, he’s not such a bad guy. He went to school and everything.
0:30 – 0:38: Oh, well, he’s been placed under house arrest, which actually looks pretty good. But it’s Alan Alda! He can’t be a bad guy.
0:39 – 0:46: Okay, he’s a bad guy. He defrauded all those nice staff people, including Matthew Broderick, Casey Affleck, and Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire.
0:47 – 0:50: He even got Ben Stiller’s money. What a heathen. Now Ferris Bueller has to live in a box! I bet these people are gonna heist this tower.
0:51 – 0:58: Tea Leoni, with her vuvuzela-like voice, tells Stiller that somewhere in Alda’s penthouse there’s $20 million. This actually is shaping up to be pretty awesome. Ben Stiller, while not my favorite actor by any stretch, seems to be able to pull of a heroic, semi-dramatic role. There’s probably nothing that’ll ruin this.
0:59 – 1:10: The stakes are very high, there’s surveillance going on, the FBI are involved, and this cast is very strong. Oh, they need some outside assistance to help them. I bet it’ll be Liam Neeson or Clive Owen or Denzel Washington, somebody with a lot of gravitas. I still contend nothing can ruin this.
1:11 – 1:13: Here we go, what amazing actor is going to help them?
1:14 – 1:16: …Eddie Murphy…
1:17 – 1:36: Are they doing the “funny” arguey banter thing? Yeah, I guess they are. This isn’t very funny. What happened to the cool heist movie trailer I was watching?
1:37 – 1:47: Ben Stiller must have an amazing memory if he can instantly recall some guy he used to be in daycare with. Yeah, $20 million is a lot of money.
1:48 – 1:52: Oh, now he’s gonna give a tutorial on robberies? And why is Ben Stiller running? And why is White-Noise-Voice Leoni clotheslining him?
1:53 – 1:55: Adapt to the situation, like when you made “The Adventures of Pluto Nash?”
1:56 – 2:00: Dumb.
2:00 – 2:02: Okay, that never works. Nobody can catch a falling person with one hand. The person’s mass alone means that the force of gravity is much to strong for someone to grab onto them and not also fall or get their arm dislocated/torn off, depending on how fast they’re going. Look, I know it’s just a movie, but it’s been done a bunch of times so they should learn by now.
2:02 – 2:13: Is it bad that whenever Eddie Murphy says anything in any movie, all I can hear is Donkey? I say to myself “Donkey shouldn’t be talking about people getting shot in the face. What would Shrek think?”
2:14 – 2:20: Man, Alan Alda sure is a bad guy. I also don’t think Eddie Murphy has the ability to blend in anywhere he goes. I think he’s ruining this for me.
2:21 – 2:25: Stiller’s okay, I guess.
2:26 – 2:30: Precious: Based on the Novel Going Rogue by Sapphire
2:31 – 2:35: Random shots of things out of context, the trope of any action movie trailer.
2:36 – 2:39: Oh, this sure is a funny buddy caper film. Look how they argue with each other and stuff. So funny.
2:40 – 2:43: Tower Heist… okay, so it’s not exactly what I expected but it– A BRETT RATNER FILM!?!?!?! Goddammit.
2:44 – 2:53: How does she know how to crack a safe? She must be Precious: Based on the Novel Safe Cracking by Sapphire. These people were both nominated for Oscars, you know? Now they’re making pussy jokes in a Brett Ratner film.
2:55: Sharp-eyed viewers (or people who have a pause function) will notice that Eddie Murphy is a producer on this movie. That explains it. Movie ruined.
Okay, so that was fun, wasn’t it? No? Yeah. Until next time, the YouTube window is closed.
-Kanderson enjoys the safety and luxury of lots of new TWITTER followers. Oblige him.
Would have been a lot better if he had been singing “Roxanne” in the prison cell. #reggie
@fronties I look at my words you quoted and I am unsure where “give it a chance” transforms to “absolute home run.” Maybe we are using different versions of the English language, or perhaps only one of us understands the written word. I don’t know but anyhow, I don’t think this a guaranteed home run. Anyhow, I stand by it. Murphy was great in 48 Hours and Trading Places where he played a very similar part. This is a part he is good at.
“Murphy’s character makes me remember 48 Hours, which I have fond memories of. I will certainly give it a chance.”
If a current movie makes you reminisce about a past film that you enjoyed, then the current film must be worth a shot, right? Any film critic will tell you that all a movie needs to do is remind you that the lead actor has been in other, better films that you’ve seen and it’s an absolute home run.
Man, black people are SOOOOOOOO good at stealing stuff.
Also, I would really like Ben Stiller to do a for real serious role where he’s not a buffoon. He’d be great! That’s what really bothers me about a lot of Stiller roles. I couldn’t enjoy any of the Meet the Whatever movies because I’m just so disappointed in the stupid white male trope. And now he’s participating in a Black People Steal Stuff movie. Super. Can we quote Simon Pegg from the podcast? “If a movie is racist, or sexist, or bigotted, and you don’t notice, then you are agreeing with that.” (paraphrase)
Luckily I live in a town with stupid racists in it, so some of them will probably enjoy it. Damn you Eddie Murphy. You were best as an animated Ass, stop being a live action one.
“I know someone who is the best a stealing stuff”
Enter -> 1st black guy in the movie
reaaaallly?
anyone notice this film is full of white people fighting over money – and the two black actors play a criminal and a maid…? not impressed.
The pool…caught that too huh?
Maybe. If I’m drunk. And it’s on netflix streaming. And then probably for about ten minutes.
The 20 million is hidden in the pool
I haven’t seen a live action Eddie Murphy movie since Pluto Nash (really bad) but I loved him in his early stuff, and I’m hoping this will be good.
GUYS I THINK HE DOESN’T LIKE EDDIE MURPHY
::Sigh:: Hipster nerdist.com making fun of stuff again. I know, I know you think you are funny like MST3K, I remember last week when you compared yourself to that. Whatever. Anyhow, this looks pretty good and Murphy’s character makes me remember 48 Hours, which I have fond memories of. I will certainly give it a chance.
My first thought was “HEY! Eddie Murphy isn’t in a stupid kid’s movie! Things are looking up!” Parts looked good, other parts looked kinda dumb. I’ll probably rent it. At least it’s not “Due Date”.
Aw come on. It looks like the least worse Eddie Murphy movie in a long time. And I LIKE those arguey-banter buddy movies. I will probably watch this when the opportunity arises, I will part with no cash to se it, but if its netflix or library or a friend has it, then yes I will see this, laugh a few times and then forget about it.
I was actually pretty into it most of the way until I saw Brett Ratner’s name. Rivaled seeing M. Knight Shamalamalamalyan’s name at the end of the Devil trailer.
“These people were both nominated for Oscars, you know? Now they’re making pussy jokes in a Brett Ratner film.”
This made me lol
but seriously this movie looks horrible I guess Ben spent all that Night at the Museum 1&2 money
Actually this looks not bad. I thought it was going to be more serious but it’s basically Alda as Madoff/his 30 Rock Character vs. Eddie Murphy with a team made up Broderick and Stiller. There are worse permises that make it in to movies.
I feel like this movie fell through to our universe from some alternate reality where Brett Ratner was given the reins of Ocean’s 11 in its early stages instead of Soderbergh.
Atleast Chris Tucker’s not in it…that we know of.