Hello, everyone!  Today we’re going to take a look at the new Denzel Washington/Ryan Reynolds actioner, Safe House. Spoilers: It’s not particularly safe.

Trailer it up!

0:05-0:07 – One whole second’s worth of a look at where we are. I don’t know where we are.

0:07-0:10 – Brilliant CIA operatives seem to be a dime a dozen in Hollywood.

0:10-0:14 – And they always go rogue. If as many CIA operatives went rogue in real life as they do in movies, we’d all be murder-death-killed.

0:14-0:16 – Multiple agents?!?! Don’t they have a better screening process for CIA people? Just once I’d like a trailer to open by saying, “He was one of the most brilliant CIA operatives we’ve ever had… and he continues to be so and has never killed anyone or anything like that.”

0:16-0:20 – In all honesty, movies have made me severely afraid that someone will attack me and snap my neck before I have a chance to defend myself. Screw bulletproof vests; I want a snap-proof scarf.

0:20-0:24 – He walks into an American consulate like it’s the first day of school. Nerdiest backpack I’ve ever seen.

0:24-0:30 – Ryan Reynolds seems to have relocated to Cape Town, in an effort to finally get over the cancellation of Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place.

0:30-0:37 – I’d like Mad Eye Moody to be my boss, even with the faux American accent. Also, everyone communicates via cell phone in movies now. Must make scheduling very easy.

0:37-0:41 – If I were him, I’d decorate the safe house to look like the TARDIS. Make it more interesting.

0:41-0:50 – “Will our mystery guest enter and sign in please!”

0:51-0:53 – “Tobin Frost” is a name that only exists in action movies. Also, Robert Patrick is an actor that only exists in action movies.

0:53-0:58 – Yay water boarding!!!!

0:58-1:02 – This may seem like a bad thing, but they were in fact ONLY supposed to blow the bloody door off.

1:02-1:08 – Ugh, don’t you hate it when your house guests don’t clean up after themselves? Or when an armed group of mercenaries comes to your house looking for them? Just so irritating when you’re trying to make a roast.

1:09-1:13 – I don’t care if he is the greatest CIA operative of all time, anyone who says “Time’s a wastin'” is a real dick in my book.

1:13-1:22 – Ryan Reynolds hasn’t lowered or shot his gun for half the movie trailer. He just likes to point it.

1:22-1:26 – The BMW will always win in a car chase with a decapitated guy in a convertible pickup truck.

1:26-1:30 – Really? There isn’t protocol for getting attacked by 6 guys in cars? I’m really losing faith in the CIA.

1:30-1:46 – They were invited. Oh, that’s right, I did tell Mrs. Assault Rifle that her sons could come for dinner. I’m so forgetful.

1:46-1:50 – Prediction based solely on who is in the film: I think we’re lead to believe Brendan Gleeson is the bad guy, but he’ll turn out to be okay, because really it was Sam Shepard, and then, at the very end, we’ll find out Vera Farmiga was also bad but hid it better.

1:50-1:54 – Right after it cuts here, Reynolds starts singing a Kylie Minogue song. Washington laughs.

1:54-2:00 – The editing for this sequence was simply, “Gun, Death, Actor, Repeat”

2:00-2:02 – He has turned… into a pumpkin. He’s very sleepy.

2:02-2:09 – “No One Is Safe.” Dangerous House would have been a better/more stupid title.

2:09-2:12 – “You can stay blind, or you can open your eyes.” That’s all Stevie Wonder needed to hear. Good advice, Mad Eye.

2:12-2:18 – OBLIGATORY DISCONNECTED ACTION!!!!!!

2:18-2:27 – He deafened him with violence.

2:27-2:33 – It opens in February, which, as we remember from This Means War is where studios send movies to die. Good luck with that one.

-Kanderson thinks Batman should move to Cape Town. He also loves bad jokes and TWITTER followers.